website statistics <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d38049538\x26blogName\x3di+totally+hate+titles.\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dBLACK\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttps://lesbiantv.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den_US\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://lesbiantv.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d-9081095949337619917', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
Sunday, May 27, 2007

a long-due post

i know, i am sorry i havent been blogging religiously because everyday is a torture for me and i dont know where is my mind, soul & heart. gone with the wind, perish as dusts. i mean there are people who are angry with me, upset with me, bearing a grudge against me, who doesnt care about me and i think (sheryl l, if you are reading) the cards are right and i certainly need another reading.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EUNICE!
23/05/07

(24/05/07 pirates of the caribbean, it was so long, i felt asleep when calypso turned into crab or smth)

photos from eunice's 18th birthday party!
(warning, pictures are just gore like saw and for those who are interested in eunice, sorry this is just going to be sore for you but dont worry, eunice can still be yours.)






(there are more people than in the pictures like 20 of them in a terrace house)

so eunice is a happy happy girl with her birthday because she knows that she has many many friends who love her and cherish her like mad dog wuff wuff! and she is happy to smoke with her ciggs without fearing getting caught! LOVE YOU EUNICE TAN!

to passerby: sorry, no eyes of giselle. in fact i havent seen her for a week in school at all and i think she has a girlfriend already. you know you kinda skip school for girlfriend.. i guess? and i never really had an intention to ask about it.

i kinda missed her, but never really had an intention to text her or call her to tell her that.

so 21st may, it was her birthday as well. braved my heart, and sent her a text but as expected she would never even budged. this should make her parents proud because her parents have succeeded into having what they hope to see and there you go, celebrate or smth.

honestly sometimes i depise her so badly to a point that i thank the highest heaven that we broke up because i would never want to be with someone whos so weak in her own defense and unable to stand up to herself and for herself. she might be star tracker since she is swelling good in running away. obviously she will never give me the closure that i ever need but i am fine i know i am going to be fine.


i am actually missing my classmates! they are so funny! i promise to go school very often and i will just study my ass in school till late.


i have gained like probably 78234783428734 kg after this week! i have been eating and eating non stop non stop non stop like mtv's non stop hits! i ate macdonalds like no tomorrow, i go for supper like fat never existed, and i just mahjong-ed very little & lost like 7 dollars to yishun?! (its a name for a person, not a town or smth) I NEVER LOST THIS MUCH BEFORE, ok got, when i was like 16 or 17 but 7 dollars, ok fine it isnt that much, call me auntie or smth but 7 dollars can buy two bowls of bak chor mee!

ok i am not going to tempt myself any further.

i am just someone who lost her ability to love & to resist temptations and only today i realized how evil temptations are, but there are certain degrees to it, but obviously i have been tempted to the maximum and regretting is not in the choice anymore. i think i might be losing friends or a friend that i love so much, i have no words to offer i have nothing in fact because in my defense, i am speechless & all tied up. i wish i could try to explain things but maybe somehow someone else would able to tell you things. i am going to allow time to do it.

i love you.
i am sorry.

Labels: , , , ,

Friday, May 18, 2007

run way

fingersmith says:
you have a crush on ME is it

emily - i like rainy days says:
hahaha... pls... 我比飞机场还要直

EMILY IS SO FUNNY!

Labels: , ,

Sunday, May 13, 2007

morning momsie! & giselle!

(we almost went in to the room because we didnt have STDS then we realized, its STUDENTS.)

ho ho ho, happy momsie's day! i have no special plans because momsie isnt in singapore & not like anyone knows that she's a married woman & a mom of a 20 y/o. i know she would kill me if i had sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card that screams, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" to her office, she would ruin my life like how i have ruined hers but i know she loves me so much because she has already accepted me and i think it came a long way with alot of screamings, cryings, threats to suicide, and denial. i think my momsie emerged out better than i thought she would be, well she's the only hope i have left to deal with dad. back then, it was so hard communicating with momsie because she refused to accept me and she kept crying and begging why wouldnt i try to open up to her, and why would i just keep things to myself, and i felt so bad because it wasnt because i didnt want to, but because she wouldnt accept it and she would probably never understand what i was going through (no, not teenage angst) and sometimes, people just refuse to listen. often, i relied on my friends and myself alot to get through things and i think my mom felt left out in my life and i used to blame it on her for leaving me alone for all 13 years of my life and never really took care of me and she was never really there for me, and i never felt like i had a mother who would bring me to the swimming pool or even to the playground to horse around. it was really bad, struggling just to scrap through days like that.. it was as though you had a mother but who never really acts like your mother. BUT BUT BUT right now, everything's so cool, everyone wished that they had my MOM, how cool is that? we are like friends, we are like really close, i would sometimes skip to her room, and tell her which girl & which girl i went out with and how i thought about them, although mom roll her eyes very often, but she still listens and ask about them! just how exactly only a few days ago , she knows that something was wrong, and she came into my room in the middle of the night while i was sleeping, (she likes to call out when i am sleeping to check if i am sleeping) and immediately i burst into tears, i burst into so much tears she was so terrified and i was like, " i saw xxx and xxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx" and i cried so badly that she was furiously running through her mind to search for things to tell me, like " xxxxxxxx isnt worth it stop crying, i didnt know she was like this, ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"

pause.

i love my momsie because SHE IS THE COOLEST WOMAN ON EARTH, MARRIED OR NOT, FALLOPIAN TIED OR NOT, she is indeed the coolest woman on the earth,
check that sentence out,
" .. ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"
i really love my momsie very much and i am glad we came through for each other and i know i never felt this strongly towards my mother before and i know we are going to be okay. and i know she will never read this blog, i will freak out if she does, but i want the world to know that i love my mother and she is the other woman that who's always waiting for me at home.

sorry no pictures of my 37 y/o (she likes to think so, but she's like 43 only!) hot mom because there are enough men going after her & i dont need lesbians to go after MY MOM, i will kill any lesbians going after my mom! ( yucks, i cant even imagine my mom going lesbo, totally YEEKS!)
well, love you momsie! :)

(god, this is a total mother's day entry, which is the first in my 20 years.)

ok next. SO.. "giselle" & i, we had our 3rd date in school again!


we had tea! i know i know, i love tea! (sue, stop looking at me) it was really good, and i really really love talking to her, and it was never enough and she's rather funny in her own subtle way! she has this boundary, as though it is waiting for me to intrude but like the usual me, i dont know if i should move in or if i should just wait for her first move, i have no idea! shit, i am so good reading at people's signs but i couldnt read mine, and it sucks. i really want to know her so much more, and i think she wants to know more about me too! we sat together in our last lecture together, and it was comfortable and i realized i could focus better! and i totally told her,
" i think you should sit with me everyday because i focus better without having my conscience wanting to turn around & smile at you, wondering if you'd text me, thinking if you are okay. and right now you are sitting beside me, i feel so relieved."
ok corny but it works ok, although she didnt reply me (we were writing notes to each other in her notepad, just like next to each other - you cant talk in lecture halls) i know she smiled to it. i dont know, if i scored but at least i am truthful & sincere (monica says i have to be myself & be sweet & sincere!) it was a great 3 hours that made up the rest of the 4 days that i didnt see her at all, and my attendance at school is fantabulous! my classmates were so wowed at my determination to stay even if all of them left school earlier, i hate to say this but it was for "giselle" and a little of school and i really focused!


ok ju, slow down, move back a little. i dont know what's going to hurt me again, and i dont want to risk anything.

i had a little oracle card reading yesterday night with a couple of chong's friends. so i did ask questions, and it was pretty accurate & it was quite uh freaky.

1) will an ex-girlfriend come back to me?
might/or not because you two are not communicating or miscommunicating right now, and both of you need to talk and LISTEN to each other and whatever it might lead, it might be a friendship or more, we dont know, but the cards can only tell for the present, not the future, so try to talk & listen first, take the cards later again.

(i'd want to, but she doesnt want to)

2) has someone appeared in my life that i can settle down with?
yes, he/she has appeared, the signs are not obvious yet and obviously you have yet to let go of something thats holding you back, and maybe it will soon be obvious.

(see freakish?)

3) why did almost all of my relationships fail?
basically you are someone who's very romantic & fun loving but you are hot tempered and your jealousy tends to control your partner and it drives your partner crazy to exasperation but other than that, you are a good lover.

(okay totally true except for being hot tempered?! am i? i think i am rather spiteful & revengeful thats all.... )

i have more questions but these are more relevant to my subject chats today. i think it is super freaky to see how almost accurate it is and i actually know my problem is, and i am going to work it out within myself, and i am going to make the next relationship that i am going to ever have, the longest & the best. i know, i am tired of running around, trying to fall in love, trying to keep the balance, trying to be sane.

all i just want to have, is to be in love, and insanely in love with my partner and all i want to do is to go home to someone at the end of the day, someone that i could talk with, someone that i could make dinner for, someone who just loves me to lie in her arms, someone who would love me almost forever and takes care of me like her baby, someone who would slow dance with me almost every evening (we can have alternate days choosing music). and someone, who wouldnt love someone else.

to always have the fact that your partner might be in love with someone else, kills me & my complete mood and inspiration to have a relationship. this isnt about trust, or faith, but if you truly love someone, you wouldnt even give signs & hints or any slight evidence of the fact that you are straying and there is infact someone else, and your heart is completely mine.
i like seclusions, and i know i am going into seclusion & retreating from this scene, if i am going to be in relationship & of course i am never going to be stupid enough to be in a relationship with someone who obviously loves the scene.

i dont know. i'd just have a dog & a cat 2 room hdb with chong.

on very lighter note, sue gave me spencer! it is super adorable! thanks sue! you're such a sweetheart! :)


some pictures of the week!








and some people that i have been missing very badly.. (that should take a hint)







aiya, i cannot find the rest of your pictures without me looking decent in it and i promise to search for them more! chong, dont be a bitch and say that i dont miss you or anything, because i am meeting you almost everyday god hahahahhaha love!

and i really miss my long hair. i am sorry for this long entry, and i promise i would stop thinking so much about good stuffs that might happen to me, because i dont know if i deserve it. i think it is just another trap another attempt to ambush me and put me back into the cycle that i have always been. i am never going to let it happen to me ever again.

dont look back.

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

well, i'd try.

... i couldnt find the words that i want to speak and maybe i am hardly allowed to speak because there are people are who are scrutinizing me then again, in fact i dont give a fuck about it, if they have to read about it, then let it be. i mean it'd be good if they'd start from CARING & LOVING for that one person that they are trying to read about than starting on me and maybe they will start to be better parents.. people. and oh, people do do away with biasness for boys.

ok i have so much to say ok, i had a second date with "giselle"on monday. ( the one in white duh!)


sigh she really has the most amazing eyes ever and i'd just want to look into them forever! it was a great date i think i'd just leave the details to myself before anyone spasms (looks at cheryl) but i am sure alot of people would want to hear this little juicy gossip.
"giselle".. i'd put it in this way, she kinda rejected me because she has someone in mind and she was so frank and truthful in her words, and i really thank her for that. at least she's truthful and she sticks to what she wants, she's so much more than anyone could ever want.

i think i might just found her. the kind of girl that stays almost forever, the kind of girl that loves you and goes right back home to you at the end of the day, the kind of girl thinks that seclusion amongst lovers is okay, the kind of girl who wont even mind staying at home for the whole day catching dvds. she's so real, so real that her eyes tell you that life's so bitter. i think i have so much more to learn. she works & fends for herself, she has a house of her own, she has a car, she has 5 dogs & 3 cats, she has a job & she is studying. till this point, are you impressed already?
wait till you talk to her. no she's no rich beauty, she's a hard working cinderella! i feel ashamed already. ya like, who are you to even try to go after her! (and you'd definitely know what house you need to have to have so many animals in your house!)

(but i think i am still going to stick around) she intrigued me so badly, i just want to bring her home to mama. i hate to say this, but i want her so badly! she is like a rare specimen that i want to own. then again, i am not ready for it, because firstly she's much older than i am and besides after dating carrie whos only 23 is not enough. (and "giselle" is much older than carrie) and i dont know what to do with older women and they intrigue me & intimidate me as well.

argh, i am going to end this subject, i am getting frustrated as i type in i realize i havent seen alot. it makes me younger than i feel that i am already.

so "a midsummer night's dream" was still on last sunday with carrie! it was a not-bad thing for me although i have yet to read the text but it was quite funny! i dont want to be an idiot and try to discuss things like how they play was interpreted. so we had a really long talk and i really love talking to carrie.

talk talk talk talk, i love talking gosh, and i was talking to jasmine & huilee about goals in our lives and how his brother is so impressive and to tell you the truth i was fucking impressed and i think i need to have a better life than what i have now. everything just fell into place talking to them because i just needed a push i guess..

they are true about how one should plan their life ahead and even doing family planning! how one couple should plan in the first head and work towards their goals for whatever they want. sigh i always had goals & objectives, but someone would come along and smash them and now i remain goal-less floating away like a driftwood.

but two thing still remains,
1) i am still going to be a nurse
2) at 30, backpacking in asia

i am going to look for a job & look forward now.

and i am about to be a child sponsor of a child in mexico or costa rica.

Labels: , , , ,

Sunday, May 06, 2007

spell boey's first name.

d-a-p-h-n-e

i am starting to hate daphne because she hardly talked to me, call me or even text me anymore.
all she does is to stay at the loser NUS library and study or maybe in her girlfriend's dorm like totally domestic partnership. i dont know why but i am just missing her so badly out of a sudden and so badly i had to blog about it, honestly i dont know when was the last time i saw her. oh yeah probably at PLAY, and we had a really ugly photo taken and i was still with kim.
but i miss d so much now telepopmusik makes me sad and i know she will never ever read this entry so its okay i will bitch about her? aww, i'd never bitch about my darling d then again, that she doesnt call or text anymore. i think her current language is french and the only few french words i know are, bonjour, bauguette(or is it italian), merci, je'taime (which i dont even know how to pronounce?) yes i am sure you got my point, oh how about creme brule? its french right?


sigh i have flabby arms, i think i am going to do push ups till death do floor & me apart. anyway do you think i could that ZAP ZAP on my flabby arms so i dont have to do push ups? this is a very restless sunday because i am supposed to watch "midnight summer dreams - shakespeare" with liauw but apparently i am super nice which she can go with S.

so i am kinda like stucked at home waiting for my giselle to call/text or anything but hey she's working today, did i mention that she's a vet nurse already? and i dont know if i should just plunge and i think kim just deleted her friendster account again for the i dont know 3rd time or maybe she changed her name again hahahha

and talking about kim, i am better now and i think kim is the most amazing woman i have ever met and nothing could beat her kind of love and kim has never meant to hurt me and she never wanted to at all. her detemination to quit me and as well for me to quit her, left me speechless because i never thought that her bruality towards our love, could be actually love towards us. she had to go, she has no choice but to quit us and to save us more heartaches and allowed ourselves to go cold turkey and i supposed we have made it. although we no longer talked, or have any form of contacts, i miss her still. she is amazing and i hope the man who she might marry or girls/boys she might date, would love her the way i do. and i would never have this chance to tell her that i'd always love her, that she'd always be happy, and i'd always love her..






i wont forget how we wanted to go to sentosa and have a nice picnic but it was raining and the cable car queue was super long and it pissed kim off ahahaha and ended up eating carls' junior on the roof of vivocity! we even bought home fluffy slippers & towels so that we can sit on them. how about, "step this and you die!" "step on the blue ones!" "step on the green and red ones!" "dont step on the line bitch!" how about long bus rides while you read your scripts and id pretend to be your prince or even the gardener? how about at rehearsals you'd be like, "bay get out of here i cant rehearse when you are here you distract me!" how about picking you up at work and getting you delifrance of your favourite choice, and you'd be like texting me, "hmm i feel like kissing you now you are looking so hot across!" how about you picking me up from school, and we got locked in the toilet and we had to yell our way to get someone to open the door for us and you were in your favourite dress looking amazingly beautiful! how about those days that you were in san francisco and we were fighting over stupid stuffs and you were web-caming.


how you'd chalked up bills just to talk to me in the cold and whined and how ive waited patiently for you to fly home! but you flew back for us on our 2nd monthsary! it was the best present santa could bring to me because you couldnt take it when i tried to sing like a million times of "all i want for you is christmas!" remember how i scrimped and saved for our christmas dinner at fish tales?


we were practically screaming our praises for the swordfish and the mash potatoes! hahha i cant believe it, i love you so much i know it sounds so silly but it was really good and remember our trishaw ride? you said, it was most romantic thing ever except that it messed up your hair and we had drinks over @ harry's and you started your camera frenzy and starting taking ugly shots of me!


we fought so much on the days (e.g. where to go and what to do and how to do) and we would just refused to give in to each other and we would end up with about a millions of "whatever" or "yeah okay" hahaha i cant stop grinning how freaking silly and how in love we were.

remember we went grocery shopping for new year's dinner! and how you complained i've gotten too much too much food for 4 person! and how you loved those cheap grape sparkling juices. and i was like, lets buy more! and i loved the way you looked at me when you were ordering our roasted chix.

how we would rush to bathe together and you'd be like get out i want to dress up! and you'd be like honey! get in NOWWWWWWW! and you'd asked me if you looked fat or ugly. BABY YOU DONT FUCKING LOOK FAT OR BAD OR UGLY NOW MOVE IT ITS ALMOST 12!
we had our first countdown in the cab with cheryl & melissa, remember how we would tease them to death and they'd just roll their eyes. and how we woke up in the morning and we tip-toed to the room that they were sleeping together and we would just chuckled and wondered if they had sex (FYI, no)

and how i wanted to sleep more and you wanted to go out and you wanted to do smth and you were so fucking bored and how you tried your first cigarette and you choke & almost died of swollen airway and how you ran out of the house after slamming the door at me and i found you jumping into the bloody pool and until the guard chased you out of the pool and i saw you walking so fucking wet and i yelled KIMBERLY CHOW so loud that you were so startled. i got so worried after you ran out of the house and i got so mad seeing you getting so wet and so happy while i was so so so so angry that i was going to explode. and we had great sex after that hahahaha oh god i love my baby.

remembered how we sat down in MI and tried to do our homework in the end we brainstormed on the places that might be good to make out and you told me how much you loved me.

i dont know how i managed how all these out but to remember how much you told you loved me it breaks me all over again, great i thought i have gotten you away. maybe i did, but i have missed you badly.

i dont know if you would be reading this kim, i dont know if you'd be or not, but i want you to remember all these that we've been through and there are so much unmentioned ( like your prada bag & my phone dropped into the singapore river!) i just wished that you'd know how much i've loved you. and would probably still love you!

p/s: mommy says hi!
pp/s: it is a boring sunday.
ppp/s: giselle called yesterday! god our first weekend call..

Labels: , , , ,

Saturday, May 05, 2007

scrap your left knee?


yeah scrapped.

on a lighter note, i have another anniversary to celebrate for this month.

p/s: IAME sounds ugly, but lets call her giselle, oui? :)

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Good day!


i am sorry i just have to post a photo of me having really bad eye bags and looking so fat and ugly and just so unappropriate. but IAME is at the back of my head.

NO, NOT THE BLUE ONE, that is jasmine! (one of my spies) literally, at the back of my head.

:)

i whined (albeit horribly & too much) about IAME (once again, its Intriguing And Mesmerizing Eyes) for the last few days, it is a good whine. because you always end up waiting for good things to happen.

IAME and I had a tea date today! I know, i know, so much for "she's not interested in me anymore!" but i dont know if she is .. but it was a great tea date in school after punching myself so many times. I dont even know how to write this down because it was so wonderful i found myself drifting in classes dreaming of talking to her again and i really just want to talk to her again and look into her deep brown eyes and i am willingly to be lost in them. i found myself caring little more than anything towards her and it feels so darn good.

and i am going to see her tomorrow again and i know it is not going to stop here.. yet. you know what they say about never to expect and you'd never fall? and i think my problem is that i expect way too much all the time and i end up with nothing so maybe this time i'd just play that nonchalant annoymous and pray a little for something more and i'd be satisfied.

darn those eyes, kept lighting up.

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

dont talk about eyes anymore.


eunice says that i look good only when my nose & mouth isnt in sight. she is the best friend ever! (ya it is totally drown in sarcasm)

ANYWAY!

juju had her another first - NEW FLASH! juju went up to a girl and asked for her number! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. Nope, she wasnt on beer/drugs/balls/galls and in perfect sane situation with a boost from her friends, she finally went up to this girl who she thinks have a pair of fucking mesmerizing eyes!

And this isnt the best part.

IAME (Intriguing and Mesmerizing Eyes) gave her number to ju!

i know i know i know, i am such a brave heart (insert roll eyes) and che was like MOVE MOVE TEXT HER NOW but i am an absolute shy creature

and we were just texting for awhile.
and she isnt interested in me because she stopped texting me.

i am not good at this i really am not good, maybe i am right i should stop trying because i am destined to be alone this lifetime and i have accepted it.

not as if i want anything.
(but its not so bad to hope right?)


feist is back with a new album! reviews say that she would be able to put me back into love. i'd like to see how though.

Labels: , , , , ,