Pouts

Saw this again.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

my dear friend, onxy shouting mate, school song singing partner, tohtuck connection, julian, is leaving mi. ( upset ) which means sports day will not be so fun anymore, no one else to sing school song with. ( pouts )

so this, to dedicate to julian xie xiuyi ( i mean yishua, wait no, yixiu )

for all those times you stood by me ( when i'm ronely in tohtuck canteen )
for all the truth that you made me see ( the cracks on the stairways of tohtuck blocks )
for all the joy you brought to my life ( double chin twist ! )
for every wrong that you made right ( sure, watching naughty video when we skip school )
for every dream you made come true ( you always appear in my dreams, but only guest appearance )
for all the love i found in you ( the love for you-know-what )
i'll be forever thankful babe ( babe, as in that pig babe )
you're the one that held me up ( remember when i was crying VERY badly months ago )
never let me fall ( you only touched my breasts )
you're the one who saw me through, through it all ( okay la, this one quite true )

you were my strength when i was weak ( you brought free food for me so i wouldnt starve )
you were my voice when i couldnt speak ( msn audio conversation when i still dont have the mircophone )
you were my eyes when i couldnt see ( tohtuck tour guide )
you saw the best there was in me ( future ceo of the biggest investment company in singapore )
lifted me up when i couldnt reach ( to change a lightbulb if i had no ladder )
you gave me faith cause you believed ( 'sometimes believing is all we need' )
i'm everything i am beause you loved me ( not really, really )

you gave me wing and made me fly ( with free pina colada )
you touched my hand, i could touch the sky ( i can touch the sky, but you did not touch me )
i lost my faith, you gave it back to me ( when i'm so faithless )
you said no star was out of reach ( when i'm so faithless )
you stood by me and i stood tall ( thats you, and thats my hair - tall )
i had your love, i had it all ( must fight with maine )
i'm grateful for each day you gave me ( you are going to be a nurse but you are not god )
maybe i dont know that much ( about sex )
but i know this much is true ( sex guru )
i was blessed because i was loved by you ( dont let maine read this )

you were always there for me ( bejeweled ! )
the tender wind that carried me ( the only tender thing is your big ass )
a light in the dark shinning your love into my life ( your colourful braces while clubbing in a very dark environment )
you've been my inspiration ( now no more, no more year 3 in new campus )
through the lies you were the truth ( brace yourself for the next bracket )
my world is a better place because of you ( 'because of youuuuu' )

WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME.

( sorry jp and nic, next time then i type a very sentimental entry for you guys, if you guys ever like join nursing or something )

it was really funny and sad at the same time but she dont write things like this anymore, maybe i should try to leave again like somewhere then maybe she will have the inspiration to write again. except i dont think she would be able find any name to fit into Maine's. my best friend has been taken away from me by stupid csi, dumb xfiles, or worse annoying mmorphg (whatever!) game, seriously not forgetting her stupid beauty sleep which doesnt make her any more beautiful than she is to me ( okay dont hair stand but) and she is really funny and i love her.

ok bye.

Wrench, please.

This late morning was met with despair. I drew the curtains a little to see if there is a procedure going on but I saw a mother hugging her 21 year old daughter so tightly and both of them sobbing in such devastation that they never realized I saw them. I bit my lips so hard because that scene was so heart wrenching and so wrenching, it was really heartbreaking.. News broke to them that her daughter has confirmed of carcinoma of the ovaries. Only 21, with a life so long infront of her, knowing that she could never have children in this lifetime and having risk of carcinoma spreading to the rest of the parts of the body. I could see the devastation in that red beady eyes of her mommy, sobbing tremendously while her daughter is in the showers. I think this would mark the first time of such feelings in the hospital because I never had such overwhelming feelings before. Maybe I could relate the despair as a woman and as a woman of such age. I dont know why but carcinoma are really somehow common nowadays but... it was just that scene that broke my heart and the fact that she is only a year older than me. It really dawned on me that life is really short and full of surprises. Maybe life is just another transient happiness that we can never get a good grasp of it and it might just slip by us before we know it.

I know one day this blog will include of all my testimonials, wills, caretaking and arrangements. I dont know what I can expect from this lifetime but I will make it and take it anyway. We cant run away from what has destined from us, some might be destined but some might be in our own control. I guess it takes time to learn what is in our control and what is not.

In fact I will not control having fun!



My tickets to the land of the rising sun, Japan are confirmed. I am taking JAL which rumours has it that the air stewardesses are the hottest, and I was fantasizing bringing home a japanese girlfriend! Like long black silky hair, with bangs, porcelain face with big eyes and seductive smile, body like Angelina Jolie, legs like Karen Mok..

... Ok i am snapped out.

buses and trains

i thought i was going to die of hiv/hepatitis or whatever blood borne transmitting diseases because i took myself for granted thinking that blood wouldnt spilled at all while removing the drip and i didnt even have blue sheet or gauzes with me, only the stoppers for both plug and drip. how naive and complacent, blood spilled all over my hands and i was really stunned because i saw fresh blood staining my hands and i felt my stupidity all over again. after settling all the trauma, i quickly washed my hands more than 5 times with so much antibacterial soap that my hands are coarse. i was so scared that the patient might have some hiv/hepatitis virus and i quickly flipped the notes and realized she is just a patient waiting for abortion. not to be skeptical, but my senior had blood on her hands and few days later the blood on her was a hiv positive and she had it because of some micro cuts that you could never see but luckily there was a vaccine i think. i was really scared that i stuffed like 3 pairs of gloves in my pocket and i think it has severely reminded me well.

not as if cruelty of life hasnt remind me of anything, i am not a girl not yet a woman who has an undergoing education, who has no driving license and not to mention wont have a car (failed basic theory twice, shut up already), who has no money (okay maybe a little), who has a very ambigious future, who has dreams of being a nomad and a wandering spirit, a-girl-not-yet-a-woman who perpetually sticks her ipod into her ears even when she is with her friends and i dont know, very eccentric. and i do understand why girls would never look into my way because i cannot provide security, luxury or security or security or i just cannot provide anything and i am too tiring to be with, just like you try catching wind and before you 吃风(jiat hong, eat air), you 放屁了(fart already).

but i really like walking so much because that is one thing i am damn good at after running (i hate running) i am really good at brisk walking, because i have been trained to lead big groups in brisk walking like really quick thats why my friends hate it when i walk endlessly like bringing them through chinatowns, or i would want to walk from cineleisure to hard rock cafe and walking is really therapeutic and it is free better than your car (with erps, parking seasons, car insurance, petrol, cash card, car installments?! i dont know, is there more?) seriously i rather spend it on 花车 (hearse) kidding, i rather spent it on a cab i get to be the boss ..

1) uncle, aircon 开大大 (turn up the aircon)
2) uncle, 我要听987fm (listen to 987fm)
3) uncle, 不要讲话，我要听railio (dont talk, i want to listen to radio)
4) uncle....

i can pay the cab drivers and i often tip them with the changes and i picked jill up from home to a party with a limo, i mean how cool is that? cabs are like cheapo but they are a good deal and i am not saying i would splurge on cabs because i still prefer buses and trains and cabs are of last resorts when i am late or i am feeling so lazy but it would always be because i am lazy hence i am late :) anyhow my analogy is of a cab to a car, not monetary challenge more like a par on. but i know having a car is an important gauge for luxury and authority and it is a confirmed shoo-in for girls and this part i lose already but it doesnt mean i dont like car rides from friends ok. (love you all) 我爱我的朋友们!

i have always asked my friends if they would date themselves and most of them would go like, nooooo i am disgusting .. but i would always be confident enough to say yes i would date myself because i know i would want to date myself and i dont want to list out a bunch of vocabularies to describe myself and i might just start a flaming session on my tagboard hee 你知我知就好了!( you know i know can already) actually if only there is someone out there who behaves, think or act like i do who is completely dramatic and just hopelessly annoying but annoying in a cute way :)

i have to admit, appearance do come first but hand in hand with a certain factor that draws me to them i cannot explain this factor because it really goes with a gut, i like anything that is beautiful (to me at least, who cares about your opinion!) but if you are just a face without anything else like especially wit, sorry, audition's over. i know i sound a little conceited and i know i am not that peculiarly cute (but still cute i think) and i know i have more so much more inside and my friends are always,

handsome and beautiful people never had personalities but God is fair, God gave you personality man!!!!!

so annoying, really. 不用绕一圈来shoot我嘛! (no need to beat around the bush)

anyway i am a gemini rabbit.

chiobu

nabei look at charlotte, so hot! confirm 追到天涯海角 (woo till the end of the earth) anyhow sorry havent been updating cos my desktop is really screwed up but be patient i am cumming soon!

Major Peristalsis

(this should look familiar)

most of the shots are taken by cheryl and it is beautifully taken with such definite colours. i sent the classic into the workshop cos the winder's broken and it is going to cost another 200sgd :( on a brighter note, i am getting my canon eos 300d next monday! i am on spending frenzy! i am really broke, plus there are so many birthdays this month which is totally crazy. birthday dinners, farewell dinners?! kidding me my lao peh dont print money (i wish) ok tomorrow free dinner at ding tai fung celebrating emily's 20th! friday go jalan jalan! crew, we have yet to watch 881 (monica are you reading this IF YOU ARE, MAKE PLANS ALREADY) saturday go on board games frenzy i think. lately i am just cheryl/carrie frenzy, 3 of us make good stand up comedians and i think we should perform in the bustling orchard rd and tell jokes to earn some money afterall laughter is a form of medicine! life is good, life is good although i have not been sleeping well at all, i was rather disturbed in the night not upset, just disturbed.

tmr would be the last day of exams! i am going to dash for the last 100metres and i would be free (yeah right) and i am starting work (again!) next week and i wish may good things come along and faster!

plug of the day (still)
what does HSBC stands for?
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HO SEH BO CARRIE!

damn it i cannot stop laughing fucccck.
(i blogged really early today so i can study today without having reasons to come online again)
(if i am online later, .... )

Sexcited.

Nikon F Classic SLR 1959
First line of SLR from Nikon

Exams are here and it sucks but it will be cool when I am totally in year 3, I would be like 师姐(senior) in my school and walking looking really aloof (actually alot of people do think that i am very aloof because i dont smile at acquaintances alot..). :( in fact come to think of it i am rather aloof even meeting up new people, everyone needs to warm up isnt it? but i think my spontaneity is still there!

I was studying at the airport last night from 9pm to 6am a grand total of 10 hours but i think i studied for only 5 hours and the rest of it we were gossiping and talking about our dreams/lives. And i think it kinda scares me to know that i would be alone (with/without partner) when my parents pass on, and it makes me tear from time to time knowing that i am all alone surviving in this house (probably, still hoping to move to Carribean) and i would go crazy not being able to overcome that loneliness and i think i should overcome it now by being more independent ever. although my parents leave me alone all the time, but it is not the same because you know somehow they would still come home to you. I think i am going to write a letter to my momsie, hopefully not sounding unfilial but I think she should know what I really want in life and how I need her support.

Anyhow regarding the Vietnam trip, I have canceled it and I think instead I am going back to Indonesia to visit my maternal grandmother with my momsie or maybe just bali , quote momsie, "you can go and backpack there while ma is doing business okay! actually i quite like backpacking too i like mountains & tribes, i think we should all move back to bali and live on a mountain and plant alot of vegetables." love momsie! it is hard being an only child and its not always presents, toys and desires! to my momsie, i am always 15 or sometimes only 10 and always her baby sucking her nipples. she likes to remind me how i used to suck her nipples and how i refused to let it go. T_T

Anyway, remember 'giselle'? omg we totally ignited the fire again okay maybe we didnt but we were grinning at each other while doing our papers! wow i miss those intense moments but we dont talk much at all anymore but really missed whatever intriguing moments i had with her before.

sigh, i think i am going through LBD. (lesbian bed death) or like LRD (lesbian relationship death)

Top 10 reasons to stay single.

Top 10 reasons to stay single and still be happy while life goes on.

1) You dont have to account to anyone except for yourself and maybe for some of you, your parents which is completely normal and reasonable. i.e late night outs without anyone breathing down your neck with millions of texts coming in like,

a) Where are you now? What time are you going home?
b) Who are you with? Are you out with that bitch *Sally?
c) I miss you darling, can we talk on the phone?

2) You definitely dont miss the quarrels or disagreements which would probably end up in a time-out or worst, a breakup.

3) And definitely dont miss those heartaches, pathetic sobbings, ranting and raving on whys and those emotional turmoil.

4) You get to spend more on yourself and maybe a few more rounds of drinks for your friends as well (friends dont make you cry or heartache in that context)

5) You dont have to fuss over someone like if she has eaten today, or if she has taken her medicine if she is sick.

6) You can do whatever you want like even spending the whole day watching 流星花园 and finish the entire season without anyone texting you asking you to talk to her on the phone and annoying texts like, "why are you ignoring me", "are you cheating on me?", "stop watching your stupid shows and talk to me NOW."

7) It is better than to be in a open relationship although you might have someone to go home to at night but why not bring someone new home every night? ;)

8) You can leave your phone anywhere in the house and you dont really care about it.

9) You dont have to worry about anniversary/birthday/important dates or about forgetting about them. Or songs that have to be reminded of them and later on you have to delete those songs to prevent yourself from crying.

10) Why not?

I know when you are in love everything's so different, but just too bad I am not in love. Falling in love means so much to me and it is such a great deal that it is not easy falling in love again. The older you grow, the harder it is to fall. I am not old, only 20 but felt as though I went through a lifetime of emotions and I am not sure if I want to be sucked into this whirlpool anymore.

I love woman and I love women.

A friend from hell.

hehe.

Beautiful evening smell.

Talking about priorities, I think I have failed again. Srsly, exams are in like 2 days and I am still sleeping around/moping around/blogging and watching Meteor Garden 1( 流星花园) and if I am not doing all these, I would probably be playing rounds of mahjong in real time or online. I seriously have no idea where the fuck is my panic button after these 20 years. I have more than 10 chapters to cover, this is worse than hell.

Hmm.. I shall speak with caution. So I dont know if everyone knows but yesterday was the starting of the Hungry Ghost Festival (七月/鬼月) ala the Lunar Calendar's 7th month where all the ghosts (they are hungry ones, which would include your ancestral?!) would be set free from the Hell at a certain timing every night (if i am not wrong, it is 930?) and they would be roaming around the street scouring for food which you would see Singaporeans being the typical kiasi (scared of death) burning millions of (recycled) incensed papers, incensed money, joss sticks and lay about a few dishes (chicken, pork, vegetables etc) on the ground praying for peace and blessings. Singapore revolutionized from typical white chicken to KFC, normal pork to sweet & sour pork. Aiya now easier to tabao(take away) then to cook? Folks are away and no one is doing this ritual for this house but I am not your skeptics. Although it would have seemed a little eerie now and then but aiya I am giving myself spooks thats all... okay I lied. I was telling Che how scared I was to walk to petrol kiosk to buy cigarettes and I rather smoke expired cigarettes.. Maybe I wasnt scared but it was really far. But it was rather scary to see most of your neighbours are burning all those incensed papers praying, I can literally feel all the brothers (兄弟) moving around like dispelled air.

So kids go home earlier okay? Dont hang around outside too much and dont turn around if someone calls your name in the wee hours! Try to stay at home to have sex, play your psp/dslite, watch Meteor Garden, wank yourself or smth. I wonder if New Zealand has such culture, Dakota, be good.

woman who says:
i feel particularly happier and nicer today

Da Paolo @ Rochester Park - XY's 18th Dinner!

(totally drunk)

Excelsior Hotel - XY's 19th Dinner!
(everyone decided to dress up, look at charlotte u know!)

THE PORK IS REALLY GOOD (SORRY CARRIE..)

(hahaha emily cannot resist serving me)

(charlotte act camera shy or just want to gobble her food away)

(their after food activity, DS LITE)

BIRTHDAY GIRL!

(fucking fat)
(i need a nose job very very badly, seriously)

( i dont have any captions for this, this is just.. immoral or smth)

(favourite fag whores)

@ EskiBar

BIRTHDAY GIRL!

@ Some ktv pub

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XINYI! LOVE YOU MANY MANY AND BIG BIG, HOPE YOU GET MARRIED WITH VINCENT ASAP AND I WANT TO BE THE GODMOTHER OF YOUR CHILD! LOVE YAAAA!

Sigh they looked bloody happy in that photo and I am bursting with envy! Sweetest bliss in the world is to be in love! Okay, make that sometimes only. Bloody hell they looked really happy and I think it really captured that joy in them. I would just live through them, to feel the happiness, omg they looked so happy I think I am going to put them as my wallpaper.

幸福的街角，我在那里等你。 (okay i just gross out myself by typing stupid things like meteor garden would say. 言程旭 我爱你!!!!!!!!!!!!)

St James Powerhouse NUM Fashion Show

Anyway, I found a travelling mate for my Vietnam trip and I think we might just meet up with Kennysia and Nicole Tan since all of us are going to be in the same area and I would be pleased to meet the top bloggers of malaysia?! (since I have met XX once...... at GETTHEFUNKOUT! party @ Civic's Plaza) This is my life full of diversities, literally.

Would I be a bad girl and go ahead to take on a train to Saigon without my travelling mate because she can only make it for the first 9 days? They say, 女人不坏，女人都不爱! well, I would prefer my partner to be little smartly mischievious, a whole lot of intensity and sometimes uncanny gentleness. Perfect, okay that's 杉菜. I should have my Top Ten Gorgeous Women Post up again since 2 years ago! (Elspeth still in okay!)

I need to put up a top ten requirement for my partner!
做我的女人要有十大! (sorry lately I am very into chinese due to Meteor Garden!)

Maroon 5, Rag doll. Played for about 508 times.

i think you should just go away cause
theres no necessity for you to stay
next time you come around my way
forget it baby you're not comin in

a hot minute for a life of sorrow
no you cant come back tomorrow
shut my windows lock my doors

cause my heart wont be your rag doll anymore