Found this.

Found this in my desktop and I figured it was pretty much of an un-posted letter. Just to remind me how I shouldnt be in love.

Dear M,

I thought about you.

Finally, I plucked my courage again and began to type in your blog address. It has been 8 months since you left me all shattered and gone. 8 months have quickly passed by and I've dated enough girls to spite you and you refused to budge and just subtly telling me to move on yet i knew you held back some words that might meant the world to me.

I saw the pictures of you and her. No, it has stopped hurting because my love for you died, but my disappointment in you remains. Christmas and New Year's promises, to spend every single one of them with me. These are your lies. Can you see how your lies still affect me somehow? You promised so much, you just took off.

Sometimes I think about you. Sometimes I hate you so much. Your abrupt absence brought nothing but pain. I am so scarred, but I am afraid you will never see it because you never saw my love for you, how I wanted you back and how I begged you. Your existence is something I cant just write off, and I cant forget how this wasted heart of mine battered for you.

Your umpteen times of apologies can never ever make it up and neither does your return. I'll never allow myself to be betrayed like this ever again. I loved you once, and it has brought me to this point of no return.

I wish you love and all the happiness in the world.

Today I will shed my last tears for you.


Love,
Girl who once loved you so much

Written more than half a year ago and it still brings forth waves of grief. My life changed almost entirely, or maybe changed entirely. Time could never be the measurement of the things that you held the highest but strangely time could change almost anything and everything. Who are we to judge that the time is right, when its wrong, when it isnt enough, when it isnt real? Totally over her but she remained significant in my life, still. Someone I grew with and wanted to share a future together, until our visions differed and things fell apart. Although I have been always been laughing at what a stock I/she was, I was secretly hoping that she would have whatever she wants in this world shared with her partner, and that includes happiness. If happiness cant be derived from me, it is good to leave and search for your own happiness. I am glad she did it and I know she is very happy right now! But that left me, still walking down this long and winding road expecting someone/something good to come along. It did, few came along, and it was transient but good enough to walk me through another few miles.

Miles and miles. Loh was telling me how tragic my life turned out and maybe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I think I would be spending the rest of my life on mahjong, cigarettes, ktv and a bunch of good friends or travelling alone (I hope not).

Cold and wet July, I wish I had someone to go home to and snuggle up with and to complain about how my patient tried to murder me with his overpowering stench or how this patient tried to ask for my number. ( I know I know!) It isnt too hard to find a companion I think but I just couldnt or maybe I am just not eligible for anyone.

Currently on hold for someone but no one waits forever.
Well remember this: Happiness sold separately.