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Friday, March 30, 2007
nada surf has been in my ears for quite sometime and their lyrics are really ringing.
so if eighty dollars worth of alcohol bottles, tons of new friends, a rush for adrenaline, a dash for lychee martinis, a slip of sprained ankle, a what-seems-like-hours savour of her lips, an unfinished shutter makes jeu till the crack of dawn.., couldnt burst this void, i dont know what will anymore.

when they say, 'do what you mean, mean what you say', does it applies to 'anyway, it doesnt mean anything to you right?' ?

i dont know, i need an exclaimation point in my face.

maybe she could fill my void for awhile.

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007
i am about to be check-mate.

if i ever do get check-mate, eu've have to know that maybe it wasnt eu'r hands that's sweaty but maybe it might be mine, and i am beginning to like bus 23. if it's all twists and turns in eu'r head this time, eu know it has got to be different because eu know that eu might never felt this way before. one's a loner, two's perfect, three's a crowd.

this is getting me spinned deliriously and my thoughts are on eu.
okay this is fucked up.

honestly,
this is terrible.

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Tuesday, March 27, 2007
KNN I WANT TO GO TANNING BUT IT SEEMS AS THOUGH ITS GOING TO RAIN.


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if there are people who are meant to stay, they will.
but if there isnt, i will be fine.

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Monday, March 26, 2007
keeping yourself busy in this world and in your own world, makes you forget better. waves of anger, hatred, poignancy and broken sceneries, they rushed through me like how tidal waves wash.

i will stop saying words i could never meant it, i will stop making promises that no one bothers to keep, i will not remember anything if memories could be forgotten so easily, i will never take meaning in anything because it loses meaning in time to come.

like rachael yamagata croons,

i'm not gonna live for you
or die for you
won't do anything anymore for you
cuz you leave me here on the other side
you leave me here on the other side

not gonna shed one more tear for you
shed one more tear for you
i'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
it is funny how rachael yamagata could sing my heart out.

ouch.
i could be happy
but you wouldnt know.

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Saturday, March 24, 2007
nothing beats ghost stories?
:)

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

all right
be on your way
the kindest thing to say
is not that you have fallen for me say
you'll come back to my arms again someday

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

ponstan, rachael yamagata, ugly betty, slippers and a day more or like 4 hours to the 5th which probably doesnt exist anymore. i am going kimmielirious right now and i just want to hear her voice and i'd most probably go, "whos' that?" i was staring at our pictures and subconsciously i was reaching out for her face and i thought i was touching her face..

i am really depressed right now.

if she ever calls,
1. i want her to recite the lyrics of snow patrol's run
2. i will tell her that i love her.

i hate myself i've watched far too much soap operas on such situation and that i rolled eyes and laughed my arse off shouting STUPID ENDING! and now IT HAPPENED TO ME.
i am going to shout at my dad now.

(this is my menses-hormonal imbalance schizo-split side speaking & blogging: someone is going to get hurt really bad and i really wonder if she's having menses right now because we usually groaned and moaned about how bad timing it is to have sex when both of us are having it but it has never stopped us..)

(this is another all-singapore charming smile schizo-split 2 speaking: please do not go down to Novena Square on 23rd, 24th, 25th March because i'd be hosting this charity 'show' with a ms-pageant claimed by goh with the NTU students, so spare your ears and whatever! this might be the last trip i'd be making to Nov Sq so...but please come and not support me but the NTU students and do your part for the charity!)

(this is evil juju schizo-split 3 speaking: i dare you to come, because i will embarrass you and announce your name louder than the commander shouting malay commands at the national day parade and purposely pick you up from the audience to play games with me. )

p.s.: i love you
is a book

ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

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Monday, March 19, 2007
i found myself crying to old letters of hers while i was studying, writing .." for diabetic patients, take smaller meals..". her letters were full of spirit, power and love, THAT crushed me so badly i was hugging the box, whispering, 'can you come home?' i think i have spiritually left this body of mine to search for her and this body of mine have been in and out of her clothes and gawk-ing into the mirror and enthusiastically looking out for her in me.

(we all have boxes for stuffs like these)

and suddenly i snapped out of it, i think i was getting worse. i was actually thinking, i think i should put all of her clothes into a big ziplock bag to safeguard the smell, her smell.

i couldnt feel the anger, the disappointment, the fear, the jealousy for long. i think i am longing more than anything, more than 'wait for a long long time until the cows come home', i am longing for her to come back home to me but i know it is physically impossible and that the love she has for me will soon to fade. shit this is practically longing for the cows to come home.

(somehow i rather blog than to shuffles those cards and place them over and over again which has no meaning at all and i ought to study. )

i really feel like i was just an adventure for her, an abnormalcy for her, something discrepant from her perfectness-regulated family. you know stories of rich girls running away with paupers? not rich enough to marry this girl have to elope and happily ever after?

yup i am the pathetic doting loving pauper. but nope, we didnt elope and neither happily ever after. honestly, love isnt enough because love couldnt make you full, love couldnt bring you money, love couldnt solely bring happiness, love couldnt find you a job that you love. i was once a practicalwoman, and now she hit me back and thrown me back to who i am supposed to be.

so i guess i'll just be a tv - tv full with dramas, reality shows, soap operas.
except this tv, you dont have to pay starhub cable networks,
just to this account : 198-23494-0 (posb savings)

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Sunday, March 18, 2007
well, guess who's back?

the original practicalwoman-turns-lesbiantv cynical drama lover. lately, i am void of human existence and i have decided to not let anyone decide where i should go or where i shouldnt go. the world doesnt belongs to anyone, it belongs to everyone.

so what's in store for me this time? i have no idea - i lost my grandpop, i lost my girlfriend, bad grades, shitty life. hey it doesnt matter anymore, because shit happens. and to life, hakuna matata! losing grandpop, is and will be forever. i miss him but i know he appears in my dreams when i am super devastated, he comforts me somehow despite the fact i have to yet to keep my bottoms up.

but losing my girlfriend (k), i may see her again, or maybe never again. or probably never again because (if anyone caught practicalwoman) its been almost a year since we broke up (M), i havent seen her and her current beau while the whole world have.

and to this re-run of lesbiantv, i am going to restart my life as a good student, good girl, great friend, philosophy-sucker and i am thinking if i should be a slut, promiscous biatch then again, i recalled telling myself, that i should and will stay single till i graduate! this is definitely challenging, because the tag box is up!

i wonder if they would be anymore anons leaving their numbers. i guess, everyone has to try harder now. basically, i am never going to be a sucker for love anymore. because i am starting to analyze the idea of having someone by my side, or having someone by my side? although rachael yamagata would still sting me, id take it with a pinch of salt.

to a bunch of discriminating annoying people who wants to push the idea of criminalising lesbianism, id say, you're kidding me! this is crazy! so much for progressive society when we are still stuck in conservative asian culture. yes without a doubt, i rather be single no i wont be straight and get married just to please this stupid society. and yes, i would migrate the moment i have my own resources so stop complaining about the declining population and the lack of local manpower. soon enough singapore would be a blue-eyed country and no one would remember lao lee. tadah! we would be growing.

i know its only 2007, but i am going to Miami in jan 2008! i should be saving enough to travel for end of the year, and i am removing my braces next thursday! god, so many chances to restart and rerun my whole life again!

this is going to be good isnt it?

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Saturday, March 17, 2007
i am doing fine without you.

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Friday, March 16, 2007
i guess its really over. so, get over it ju.

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Thursday, March 15, 2007
you could be happy,
i wouldnt know.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
i rather say it to you than to pen this down because it gets harder and you'd know that i never wanted this. until you have enough blood to run for your own happiness, i am going to take this strength and walk away.

i hope you will call one last time, and we will we shall end it there and there.
i love you kim, i love you enough to stop destroying your life.
eventually you will get over me, i know.

even if i cant get over you, id just be self-destructing. our paths are not crossed. you are you, i am myself.

i wish i have the ability to take care of you like ive promised, but you wouldnt.
until when you have enough courage to take a step out.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007
i am sorry i am not there for your first event and i am still proud of you as always. take care of yourself, i will get this over and done with quick enough.

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i am starting to hate you, fucking hate your guts.
you're fucking selfish.

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Monday, March 12, 2007
you called last night, you called me again, and again and again.

it feels like we're back together ever again. i dont want to let this go, i wont.
and it wont be the last night we've ever be together.

we are in love, and we cant fucking deny it.

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Sunday, March 11, 2007
just one word from you, id run back to you.

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another weekend,

another weekend, without you.

i almost had you, i almost touched you, i almost kissed you, i almost.. i almost had you. i felt so discarded, the way you shunned away, the way you pushed me away, the way you never ever want to see me ever again.

why are you doing this? cold turkey isnt going to work, we both know this aint going to work. you are making me die for you, making me fade away, you're making me going away. this is what you've been wanting isnt it?

yes ive been waiting for your calls days and nights but i havent been expecting you to call. you are making me fade away and suddenly you're back to sweep me back again. bay, i cant stand this. it hurts so badly.

i am sorry i slept over at her house, i never thought it could hurt you this way i thought you would want me to go away. i never meant to, but i can never explain to you ever again because all you could do is to misunderstand my words and i get tired of explaining, i know i am wrong, i admitted it. but why do we always have to fight? why do we always have to hurt each other in one way or another?

because of this incident, you thought i dont love you and everything has just gone to waste. bay, when you pushed me away, have you even thought about my feelings? i love you so much and every inch of me wants you back so badly, why? why couldnt we just get past this after so much that we have went through..

i wont put you thru those nightmares again. my heart aches, it hurts to not know and only the worst that could be happening at home. i wish i could still shelter you in my arms, and loving you the way i have always been doing.

how much do you miss me bay? have you been well? how much of you is still mine? i wish you'd say you'd come back, i love you..

i cant need anyone else, because i want you right now so badly.

dont doubt me ever again
because i am still yours.

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Thursday, March 08, 2007
i miss you so much bay, please please please, say you will come back to me.
my heart's breaking so badly.

i cant stop thinking about you.

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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
there's nothing for me to look forward to now. hopes, expectations, dreams, wishes. i dont have any of them anymore. i want to feel your lips all my life bay.

but i know you're never coming back.

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hey ju,

just remember, k isnt coming back to you anymore.

so wake up.

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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

no, she lied.

no, she isnt coming back anymore.
she called, twice today.
she finally called.

God answered my prayers, but gave me something else as well. she isnt coming back anymore, she wouldnt give up her family for me, no she cant do it.

as much as i want to be selfish, i refrained from asking her to give up for me. because it isnt fair to her.

but no she's not coming back anymore, she cant come back, she wont come back.
listen up, she isnt coming back anymore, she isnt coming back anymore.

she will never be yours ever again.
never again, you'd get to call her your girlfriend, or your wife.

so give up now.
she will never ever come back.
she has repeated more than 5 times.


SHE WILL NEVER EVER COME BACK ANYMORE.

but i love you still.

NOT COMING BACK ANYMORE.

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Monday, March 05, 2007
sometimes i think i'm starting to hate you.

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my first weekend without you.

i dont know what happened, i lost all of my directions i dont know what to do on saturdays anymore. i slept into the late afternoon - when we are supposed to be hand in hand window shopping playing 'dont step this' - when we are supposed to be chummy with each other in our long bus journey. i miss you gorgeous.

i woke up to the fact that you are not mine anymore, i woke to tears trickling down, i woke to call out your name. when will this nightmare end?

i stare as my future moves into bleaker blank.

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Sunday, March 04, 2007
i really miss you very much.

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that i'd be good, alanis morissette
it ends tonight, the all-american rejects
cant get you out of my mind, aqualung
sleep, azure ray
love in the first degree, bananarama
bitter sweet faith, bitter sweet
brightest, copeland
like a star, corrine bailey rae
midnight highway, daphnes loves derby
soul meets body, death cab for cutie
i'll follow you into the dark, death cab for cutie
kissing you, des'ree
until i wake up, dishwalla
gatekeeper, feist
inside and out, feist
london bridge, fergie
look after you, the fray
angel, gavin friday
lay around, the jealous girlfriends
i hate myself for loving you, joan jett
gravity, john mayer
slow dancing in a burning room, john mayer
i'm your man, leonard cohen
time after time, matchbox 20
save the last dance for me, michael buble
dream a little dream of me, michael buble
my girl, michael jackson
desperately, michelle branch
breathe, michelle branch
what am i to you, norah jones
dont go away, oasis
stop crying your heart out, oasis
meet me by the water, rachael yamagata
sunday afternoon, rachael yamagata
even so, rachael yamagata
reason why, rachael yamagata
quiet, rachael yamagata
ode to.. , rachael yamagata
what hurts the most, rascal flatts
run, snow patrol
wish you were here, storm large
i'm sprung, t-pain
drops of jupiter, train
girls just wanna have fun, cyndi lauper
closer to you, wallflowers
breaking free, high school musical
wild horses, alicia keys/adam levin
lost in emotions, lisa lisa/cult jam
cant take my eyes off you, frankie vallie

except for feist, you have everything you need to have me by your side all the time.

lay your sweet tears across my broken dreams,
dont you speak a word about the past
you need more than i'd ever give,
i cant lie to you
i love you, my angel, my sin.

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sting to my eyes

it hurts.

she was online, on my msn.

"i hope my friend has texted you about the dance competition."
"i cant talk to you."
"sorry."
"i miss you though."
"take care."

it hurts so fucking badly. it strucked me, this might been the chance she ever need to escape from this overcommitted r/s. it strucked me, she might be okay after a few days. it strucked me that she could live without me. it strucked me, she needs what i could never give her. i was angry, i am angry because she could seem so well, in a fit i deleted her from my msn since we are never going to speak again.

i should stop doing things rashly because i'd regret shortly after. i felt the pinch, i felt it. my denial, my pretenses has failed me terribly. i am almost coming to terms with her leaving for good, and might never return.

it hurts so badly right now, that conversation woke me up. no i can no longer pretend she's back in SF. i can no longer pretend she is somewhere away from me the fact that she is somewhere near me but we can only be strangers.

and i was just talking about us being strangers just a few days before we got discovered. i am holding on so tightly to these memories, it hurts so badly it really does. what am i going to do right now? i hate waiting, she hates waiting how is she going to wait for this whole entire episode to be over? she cant wait. she couldnt stand to wait..

when will i see her texts ever again? when will i hear her voice ever again? when will i see her again?
"and i try, oh i try to think of all the things
that i could do to let you know that i love you"
"oh i try, i try so very hard
and i cry, i cry so very much
for i love you like you'll never let yourself feel again"
"but i'll always think of all the things you did
to let me know that you love me"
i hope she knows that she should charge her ipod very often and listen to the music because only in that way, i will be right there with her. i miss her so much, it breaks my heart so finely. i am really lost, what am i without her?

it really hurts so bloody much i think i am about to vomit out my lunch. i cant stop crying, i cant stop at all..

"that i would be good
even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you"
come back soon, i love you baby.

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Saturday, March 03, 2007

a few years.

to our slippers which she never had the chance to use.


so, she left. we separated our ways.

this time around, it feels different. not like my usual break up or maybe it was because she didnt left me for someone else but she HAD to leave because of her miserable parents. we got discovered, again. this is less than romeo & juliet because life is larger than us.

her last words to me were,
"Be strong. Give it a few years. Wait for me. I will come for you. I love you baby." Click.

i was left in awe. like hurricane, it came and blew it so quickly i could hardly ingest. as drama as it seems, i broke down and kneel on the floor looking out of the window, i admitted defeat. we could never have any form of contacts, her parents are running a tight ship. sometimes i wonder, if she really talked to her parents, or did she pushed the blame to me? telling them i was the one who insisted on this r/s? maybe i did, but it took 2 hands to clap. i could understand, because at such situation, self is right at the top. i will take the blame for her, i will take it as though ive been harassing her, but i have been loving her, caring for her, sheltering her and .. loving her. no one knows, except for k.

now i have no idea how to explain to my mother that k wont be coming around anymore.. and i have been thinking about her sentence, 'Give it a few years. Wait for me. I will come for you..'.

what's a few years? 10 years could be a few years as well. i dont know how long she is going to take but i am expecting myself to go solo until i graduate. maybe she is going to take 5 years. 2 years in jc, 3 years in NYU.

oh god i am delusioning already. what makes you think she will keep her word and come back to you? what makes you think everything would be the same even when she comes back? can I forgive her for throwing me aside? although i understood every single detail of the situation, but the fact that she threw me aside..

i am so numb, someone asked me if i wanted to see her for one last finality and closure, i told her no, i dont want to see her at all. as much as i miss her damn badly, no i dont want to see her. it is best this way.. she is young, and she has no reason to be caged under her parents, i dont want to give it any pressure anymore. so, i will just run free, alone.

ive been taking bus very frequently and the journey is really long and cold, i could see her in my mind when i closed my eyes, i see her blushing and going all giggly when i first held her hands in the cab going to her house.

no doubt, i love her dearly. i mentioned in my prev entry, i need something tangible, something physically. maybe this have to change for now, because i know she loves me very much and i can feel her ache. maybe she will keep on loving me and come back to me in a few years' time, maybe not.

it is a gamble. now it is up to me to place a bet. i am really tired of relationships for now, i guess if anyone could try to be free while waiting for someone yet with no expectations, i guess it will be me.

i could love her unconditionally, could anyone else?

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Thursday, March 01, 2007
and oh, i lay broken today. let me lick my wounds.

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i used to think that anything i'd do
wouldn't matter at all anyway
but now i find that when it comes to you
i'm the winner of cards i can't play
wait for me, wait for me
darling, i need you desperately, desperately here

GOD! this is good, you should listen to rachael yamagata track 5.

honestly when i am feeling better, i should start an entry about self-righteous parents. and what model parents are, well in my humble opinions of course.

with money, you can buy almost anything. almost, anything.

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49th

i dont formulate my words much i guess this is how it will go.

i heard my neighbour playing the piano, tapping the keys of "beauty and the beast". somehow for some reason, tears welled up and i felt a sudden urge to just run back to my childhood. working in paediatrics, made me conscious of my childhood. i didnt had a really bad childhood compared to some, but i grew up with canes, screams, fears, solitariness, angst, maybe unhappiness. i dont know how to describe those days because i think i have tried my best to forget about my childhood and it worked. i cannot remember any wonderful moments only those when i cried my heart and soul out either for being punished heavily or something bad happened. when i mean bad, it really meant bad.

seeing these beautiful children running, yelling, crying and whining made me really envious because their parents would carry them, coo them, shower tons and tons of love. they are so young, i dont think they would know maybe i never did know maybe my parents did that as well, but i really couldnt remember any. i miss my parents, i miss my mommy, i miss my daddy, i miss my grandmother, and my dear grandfather. not like they are dead or anything except for my grandfather of course..

i hate growing up, i blamed my parents, i love my grandparents i used to hate them. i dont know what is happening right now. yesterday night i reached home after work, i called mummy and asked where she was, and she said she was on her way home, in fact walking towards our home from carpark. i rushed to open the door and stood there like i was 5 years old back then waiting for my mommy to come home, my anticipation rise as every lift made their way up to 6th level, and i was awaiting but to no avail, to my surprise, i started to tear and bit my lips. i was disappointed by my expectations. i missed my mummy so much, what has happened to this family i have no idea. i saw mommy and i hugged her so tightly and i told her i missed her. it was great, it was happiness when i hugged her.

i never saw her much when i was a child, i dont remember her much as a child, i really dont. only instances like when she was scolding me for bugging her to bring me to the swimming pool and disturbing her when she was sleeping. and once, she threatened to bring another kid home to love, and i was so proud i told her to go ahead and see if i cared.

in fact, my heart broke because no one is going to love me anymore.

i never saw daddy either. i only saw daddy when he hit me with a cane or multiple canes, i only saw daddy he bought me a christmas present, i only saw daddy when i came to the new home with a new game everytime. i saw daddy he hit me so badly and he brought me out to east coast park to cycle and i got into an accident and i have cuts and bruises everywhere and when he saw my limbs with those cane marks, i know his heart broke.
but i dont know if i could forgive him for hitting me so badly all the time, driving me to a corner and leaving me crying in the kitchen while the rest stayed oblivious to my crying. i could only cry mummy, mummy..

no one attended my graduation ceremony, no one came attending for my prize ceremony, no one realized i could make them proud. my mummy never knew what primary school i came from.

i stole my uncle's money, i took my cousins' stuffs, i ran away from home when i was pri2, i broke the computer hard disk, i talked back to my elders, i was very rude, i was a bad kid. i really think i am a bad kid. i think i deserved all these.

popo and gonggong have to chase me with the canes and caned me till i shut my mouth. i loved running around the table and pulling the chairs so that they cant get to me while they reversed the table, i could still climb over the chairs and there, they would be stucked again! my grandfather walked me to school everyday, and carries my school bag which weighed a ton, i used to think that he walked very slow and i used to tease him that i could run home back and forth and he would not even reached home yet! they controlled my lifestyle, my limits.. my freedom. for 13 years i lived with them without my parents, they were like my parents. and it felt as though my 'father' has just died. the one who seen me through everything, who doted on me, but i never knew.

it hurts so badly.

now i have my parents back, what is the point? i was damaged, i was torn, i grew up in solitary. there was never a word, 'family' found in my dictionary. i dont know what a family life could be, how it should be. i really dont know anything much about family.
i know that that when i really wanted them, but i dont know where they were.

regrets, and more regrets. i hate growing up.
i dont know what's going on in this household of mine. for straight 7 years, i come home, always to an empty house.

i need something tangible, i need something physical, i need security, i need love, i need so much but who is going to give it to me? hardly anyone could understand, because these paragraphs are mere words, surface graft.

i am so hollow. no, i dont want to relive my childhood.
i love you old seah.

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