Out of the Closet. (On Deepavali)

(DEEPAvali? Ok joke.)

A homosexual refers to a person who is intimately attracted to the same gender. A homosexual like anyone is being given birth by a pair of heterosexual, like anyone who went through childhood, teen hood, adulthood and eventually elder hood. But what makes me so different from other human beings, is my attraction to the same gender, just like how many of my friends are Malay, Indian or Eurasians.

I am unable to prove that homosexuality is genetically proven or whatever because I do not have any other homosexual cases in my entire family (including extended family). I am raised in a heterosexual family with no strict religion or neither have I attended any girls' school which may be one of the factors that might contributes to homosexuality.

I was and am still schooling in co-ed institutions which boys and girls run freely in the school compound. I played soccer with boys, I skipped hopscotch with the girls. Or rather when I was younger, I played with boys often and I have hated to wear skirts ( I refused to make that point as one of the many factors why I could be a homosexual). And I prefer being sporty while other girls are looking dainty in their dresses and playing Barbie dolls. (Hey, I did played that too. I was usually Kelly.)

Being boyish or in common terms - tomboy, doesn't make me a homosexual. In other words, I grew up in a very neutral environment which no one ever talked about homosexuals. So I can never say that I have been nurtured into one. Because nurturing means with an intention to be one and with specific environment, with specific talks, or even specific activities like how sports players were trained. I cannot say the same for others but why would anyone want to be nurtured into one when back in years, homosexuality was defined and classified as a mental disorder and taboo to all.

Some blamed it on divorced parents, where they lack of either a maternal or paternal love or blamed it on the fact that they came from a single mother. But bearing in mind I do have counterparts who came from a single mother unit or divorced parents who later remarried as well and they are perfectly straight as an arrow. So we cant possibly put that factor down as being a homosexual.

Buddhism, Taoist, Islam, Christianity, Hinduism etc or rather Buddhism, Taoist and Hinduism to my knowledge of course, have neither condone or condemn homosexuality actively. I do know that Islam and Christianity has actively preached that a homosexual sin is greatly forbidden. By saying that, "being a homosexual" is a sin because by defining a homosexual sin is an act of two same gender either physically or emotionally. If two same gender couldn't act physically or emotionally, it would have meant they are totally NOT homosexuals. ( Or probably in this case, they'd go like, ' we are best friends lor.')

Pardon me but I am not saying religion ain't all right or all wrong because I have both heterosexual and homosexual Christian friends and they love God, and believe in God. But despite knowing that homosexuality is forbidden and a taboo, why are there still homosexuals? So religion's out. (Such a touchy topic.)

Feelings? I am a gay woman. (Gay is a better word, I prefer being universal). I had several r/s with men when I was younger. But never the kind of r/s I had with women. My conclusion for the relationships w men is purely lust. We were young, we explored areas that couldn't be found on us. But I could never find the same intimacy I had with women, with men.

I didn't enjoy scratchy chins, broad shoulders, strong chests, the warmth of his body on mine, his protective arms around my shoulders or the big hands. I felt sick after being intimate with them and I could never be comfortable.

Everyone says that I have not found The One (which probably mean Man). True enough I might not have found The One. Now the questions is, is The One a man or a woman? For now, for probably next 20 years, my answer is Woman. Because ever since my last r/s with men, I have no interaction w men intimately and I do have close male friends that I am comfortable with. I do not enjoy mixing with males because they are just so different, just so hard to talk to but not like I have never made any effort. I have met smart, brilliant gentlemen and I have found comfort in them but never in the intimate level. Yes I am going to admit that I used to (and probably still have biasness towards them. I call them rude, smelly, disgusting, testosterones being. (MCP too)

But I guess that boils down to uh, themselves as their characters. I admit that I used to generalize them as one (rude, smelly, MCP etc) and I used to laugh at some stupid boys being silly and I wondered why boys were never like girls!

I don't know how else I could put across any point of my cause being a homosexual. It couldnt be a choice to be homosexual because I do know of homosexuals who never wished they were gay. They are waiting for this phase to be over. But whether it is a phase or not, we will never know until they have truly explored their identity.

And I don't know how being a homosexual could be a preference.

I shan't speak for others.

I don't know how I have reached to this point of reaffirming my sexuality. I guess, by reaffirming my sexuality makes me clearer thus have pride in my sexuality, repeal or not, criminalize or not, there is a place for me in Singapore.

My mother has accepted the way I am, My dad's still in denial. My favourite cousins know it better than anyone. My friends love me (straight and men!). Women still love me.

I am proud to be a gay Singaporean.

I am still juicy.