struggle

i have an angry soul that is waiting to snap at its greatest. the pms is here again and i dont really know anymore if it is the pms that is driving the people around me crazy with my irritable antics. i feel the sudden anger to snap at the important people in my life and i want to wipe everyone on this earth away. i want them to stop talking, stop making so much noise. i want some silence and i want more silence. when i dont speak means i am unwilling to converse and if you have something to say to me, you better not say it because i really need silence to undulate in me to find a balance before i start shooting off in my utmost tactless honesty.

with silence comes space, i need space i need a bigger space than you know how much i need because i feel claustrophobic now if i am suffocated with little walking space and just little space to do anything else like rolling on the floor. i have a high anger threshold, i can hold it well i can speak of nothing but it doesnt mean you can write me off anytime anywhere and do not attempt to ask me questions like "are you angry?" because firstly it is written on my face (not my face book but my face) and secondly i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings by shooting ungrateful remarks and in the end i get a guilt trip which i do not need that and that would make me more angry with everyone and myself. and lastly do not persist.

i am very capable of very bitter sarcasms that my mother even snaps and screaming ungrateful. i am typing this served as disclaimer to anyone who tries to annoy the intestines out of me, and bitter sarcasms do not come with vulgarities because at this brink they do not measure up with the anger i have anymore and likely to launch personal attacks.

first and foremost i would like to explain my anger in me but i cannot do it because i have no idea why at certain junction of time i get angry and annoyed by people's doings, sayings and thinkings. wait, maybe i was not angry in the first place but being neutral with threading thin ice of being irritable , very irritable means VERY irritable. i get angry to the point of just dashing to the road and i do not even flinch at the thought of being knock down by the car because my veins are consumed with anger and maybe i would even bleed boiling blood.

no this is not bi polar so quit saying i am being bi polar and i would be glad that i am diagnosed as bi polar because at least i would get my mood stabilizer and not feel this way because it doesnt feel good at all or to feel that the world's a total shit. i just want to live longer and finish what i have to do and not feel this angst all over my growing age and not even flinch at the brink of death. i just want to live normally and go through this happiness route which obviously is not here yet and stop saying it will come, because i know it will come. stop telling things that people want to hear and stop patronizing people because it is fake and you really need put more effort and stop saying things like you'd be there for me but fuck all bullshits it requires more than just mouth work.

i really just want to live normally and have nothing to do with this facade and just be happy. i just want to be happy so badly. i am really struggling to be happy and i am really almost gone.

damn you demons.

i said, silence.

(paul i am just having pms right?)

p.s. not directing this entry to anyone none of you deserves this tribute but anyhow you felt the stab you might be one of the processed post entry anger.