guam

If anyone bothered, I have touched down in Guam at 4ish am after our flight has been delayed in Singapore for almost one and a half hour in a stuffy and entertainless philipines airline, with two i-think-they-are-lesbians travelers and mom taking up my already very small private place. (dad was somewhere else in the plane)

After slightly 4 hours, we transited at Manila and had to run because of our delayed schedule, dad thought we might missed the flight to Guam. The customs were really stringent and horrible and I thought bangkok was the only country that required me to take off my belt but now I had to like take my clit piercing, belt and shoes. (ok kidding about the clit piercing) They were like touching my breasts, my ass just everywhere...

So another 4 hours later, we reached Guam.

dad gotten a car, but it is like left hand driving! it was scary to drive and like almost too scary to do anything else because dad kept mixing up the controls for the signals and the windscreen wiper or like occasionally squirt some water.

so we slept in an inn, so retro, staying in an inn hahahahahha i wish i could ask for one pot of tea and buns! super budget because the things here are really expensive especially the local brands but if you are going for international brands i.e LV, Chanel, Hermes, Gucci, it is really cheaper. (1 bottle of lemon tea cost USD 3)

Spent the morning navigating our way with our map(s) and did some shopping as well but ... its kinda boring here. Guam looks like hawaii but it is a boring hawaii with no pearl harbour but they do have uh.. two lovers point. lol, it is a cliff that rumoured that two lovers had to elope but couldn't do it so they jumped down the cliff to the endless pacific ocean, and i assume they died. hence, this.. uh two lovers point! kidding me, SO marketing strategy but it was rather beautiful!

the shopping here is actually great and girls would go crazy and spend like 5 hours inside but poor daddy!

there are only 150k in Guam! and most of their tourists are actually japanese! i felt like i am back in Japan! they are like at every other corner and they shop LV like mad hahahahahaha shit i wish i was Japanese, which it could have been happened because my mom was dating a japanese guy before meeting my dad! walao! walao!

i would have been this:

ok kidding but i think my friends dont love me anymore because they are all going for a lesbian party tonight at gotham penthouse and i am stuck in guam and jiayi did it on purpose! oh well, i will just get out of this space and smoke (reds i am smoking reds) while reading the kite runner again.

betrayal could never be so surreal and clenching.

good night world, it is almost 12 here while you guys are watching ch8 chinese news.

(two lovers point)

The 1st death anniversary

I hardly talked about my family (except for my mom's insanity sometimes) because I never thought we were as close except for my grandparents and 2 older cousins but rather drifted apart when I moved out of grandparents' place but the emotional bond never broke. My extended family were never as close or even my own family were never that close as some other families are big and really knitted together. I guess the Seah 谢+Wong 王 family only reunites for 红和白事 (red -festive and white-funerals occasions) And for a matter of fact, only a few certain Seahs and All Wong reunites on Sundays.

As I was saying that we(full attendance) only meet other for 红和白事, actually even for 红事 (festive, weddings etc) you don't even get 'full attendance'. But for丧事(wake), even relatives in Hongkong/China or distance relatives whom you had never even seen before, turns up for the event.

Today marked the 1st death anniversary of 爷爷(grandfather). Time passed by so quickly and I missed him terribly. Unavoidable topic of the day, mom was being insane as usual. She stole a certain flower bud from the Nursing home that 爷爷 was in, and today she reported that the flower bud grew through out the year but bloomed this afternoon. And she gave that auspicious and "i feel very cold and very 邪门"( a certain expression in chinese meaning odd supposedly evil feelings BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT EVIL IT IS JUST A FEEL dont know how to explain) feelings, she was giving me the 0.0 eyes. Obviously patronized her "wah" and walked away.

Later in the night, my cousin clicked on me and started with "公, one year." And we started reminiscing our hours right after his last breath..

爷爷 started falling, suffered from partial memory loss, eventually succumbed to the rest of the symptoms of Dementia. He was often admitted into the hospitals for observations/check ups/surgeries and he hated hospital. He would cry and beg us to bring him home. His limbs especially his legs motor power were weak and soon he had to walk with a walking stick, gradually a walking frame and finally he couldn't walk anymore but to be on a wheelchair. In the event of deteriorating health, my 婆婆 (grandmother) suffered the most whom had to manually lift him off the bed and onto the wheelchair vice-versa, feed him meals, bathe him, change his adult diapers, cooking and washing for the family of 3 in the house. She lost so much weight and it broke my heart.

The family decided to move him into a Nursing home and refused to allow my 婆婆 to suffer with all the chores. It was the cheapest Nursing home and it was expensive every month and my father was the one who was paying all these years. I don't know if the rest of my family chipped in and it was so taxing on father because we talked about it and he was shedding tears in the dining room while looking at the bills. It broke my heart to see father like this and felt so angry wanting to confront everyone in the family to contribute but obviously not in the capacity to but I can only spur my father on.

3 years 爷爷 remained bedridden. Few months before his death, he was not stabilized at all, with frequent hospital trips with burning hot fever and difficulty in breathing. There was lung infection, and he was on portable oxygen therapy. He was admitted 3 days before he died, diagnosed with pneumonia (which is highly suspicious due to nastrogastric tube feeding which may lead to aspiration pneumonia). It felt as though he was on the verge of death and we discussed and I had my dad to affirm with the doctor for DNR (Do Not Rescuscitate). There isn't any use to keep him suffering any longer..

I remembered on 12th of January, I was rushing after night classes after 8, so I was sharing a cab with charlotte & and her then-boyfriend. Charlotte got off the cab first and then I was off to the hospital. Upon getting into the lift, I received a text from my cousin Chloe, "Gong took his last breath, at about 845." I clenched the phone tight.

I missed it. I was on the 1st floor when he left. I was too late. I saw his lifeless body on the bed, I couldn't cry. My dad and cousin were crying. I was the third to arrive. Soon, all of them came with 婆婆。婆婆cried so badly, and I broke down immediately. The loss of a loved one is so in- compensable and irreplaceable. I felt so badly for 婆婆 and rushed over to console her and standing beside her makes the space even smaller and depressive. It was so depressing to hear her cries you just felt like life isn't fair.

( I will not comment on the ward staff because I was shortly posted to that ward for internship. How nice.)

Never been in the last office room even when I was interning. And it had to be the first time and coincidentally my own grandfather. The room was so cold, the room was small but it felt so big and felt so empty. Procedures were taking place (e.g. ordering of the coffin, rituals, tents, arrangements) while the 8th generation (my cousins & i) just .. stood around and watched time ticked by and speculating the next moves.

We were divided into two groups. One would follow 爷爷 to the coffin shop, another would head to 婆婆 house to gather all his clothings and accessories. It was sadly to see that she had already packed some of his belongings (i.e. clothes). I got to choose his clothes and it was devastating. Cousins and I were packing his favourite clothes. Cousins left with the belongings to the coffin shop, while I just stayed with 婆婆 for awhile and left to the hospital for my mom to fetch me home. I was too scared and too disheartened to sleep. I couldn't stop crying but feeling relieved at the same time. I don't like him on the bed, I don't like the way he forgets who we were, I don't like the way he couldn't walk anymore and the place that he had to stay. I figured the best consolation was that he didn't have to suffer anymore, and I tried to believe he left for a better place.

So morning came. All of us gathered at 婆婆‘s house and waiting for the coffin and 爷爷 while the tent and all were set up. All of us had to kneel down on the floor and bowed our heads down to the ground while they carried the coffin and 爷爷 in, separately. (side note: we are not allowed to see the moving in because it is inauspicious as it is considered "dirty", i think)

He was wrapped in a white cloth. I held his hand but dropped immediately as my father said do not touch him (the whole yin & yang concept which i don't really care about). So the wake began.
We got to keep him for 5 days (including the night when he died). My older cousins and I kept vigil for the nights and the adults would tend for the days.

The most unbearable part for me was the prayers session for him. I never believed in higher powers but I had to do it I must do it for him, I have to do it whatever it takes to bring him to a safe place with happiness. I couldn't stop tearing during those prayers session although I could only understand 1/4 of the hainanese prayers but it was just so heartbreaking knowing that he had to go through this whole ritual mourning prayers procedure, I just couldn't accept the fact that he was the one who needs all these prayers while all along we had been praying to our ancestors.. It was just incredulous. My belief was temporary because it was my 爷爷, my loved one..

婆婆’s weepings were hitting the spot with the prayers and it was so depressing I didn't think I could go on.

The journey had to end with all his friends bade him good bye. He was a well-loved gentleman by all, on the 3rd night it was so crowded and busy. It felt like a restaurant, serving drinks and peanuts.

It all ended with weepings, loud wails and shoutings of "公公! 爸!".
He loved me well and good.













(p/s: 公公 and 爷爷 means grandfather. But of certain "rules", paternal cousins SHOULD address him as 爷爷。But I was naughty I decided to call him 公公 anyway. )

struggle

i have an angry soul that is waiting to snap at its greatest. the pms is here again and i dont really know anymore if it is the pms that is driving the people around me crazy with my irritable antics. i feel the sudden anger to snap at the important people in my life and i want to wipe everyone on this earth away. i want them to stop talking, stop making so much noise. i want some silence and i want more silence. when i dont speak means i am unwilling to converse and if you have something to say to me, you better not say it because i really need silence to undulate in me to find a balance before i start shooting off in my utmost tactless honesty.

with silence comes space, i need space i need a bigger space than you know how much i need because i feel claustrophobic now if i am suffocated with little walking space and just little space to do anything else like rolling on the floor. i have a high anger threshold, i can hold it well i can speak of nothing but it doesnt mean you can write me off anytime anywhere and do not attempt to ask me questions like "are you angry?" because firstly it is written on my face (not my face book but my face) and secondly i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings by shooting ungrateful remarks and in the end i get a guilt trip which i do not need that and that would make me more angry with everyone and myself. and lastly do not persist.

i am very capable of very bitter sarcasms that my mother even snaps and screaming ungrateful. i am typing this served as disclaimer to anyone who tries to annoy the intestines out of me, and bitter sarcasms do not come with vulgarities because at this brink they do not measure up with the anger i have anymore and likely to launch personal attacks.

first and foremost i would like to explain my anger in me but i cannot do it because i have no idea why at certain junction of time i get angry and annoyed by people's doings, sayings and thinkings. wait, maybe i was not angry in the first place but being neutral with threading thin ice of being irritable , very irritable means VERY irritable. i get angry to the point of just dashing to the road and i do not even flinch at the thought of being knock down by the car because my veins are consumed with anger and maybe i would even bleed boiling blood.

no this is not bi polar so quit saying i am being bi polar and i would be glad that i am diagnosed as bi polar because at least i would get my mood stabilizer and not feel this way because it doesnt feel good at all or to feel that the world's a total shit. i just want to live longer and finish what i have to do and not feel this angst all over my growing age and not even flinch at the brink of death. i just want to live normally and go through this happiness route which obviously is not here yet and stop saying it will come, because i know it will come. stop telling things that people want to hear and stop patronizing people because it is fake and you really need put more effort and stop saying things like you'd be there for me but fuck all bullshits it requires more than just mouth work.

i really just want to live normally and have nothing to do with this facade and just be happy. i just want to be happy so badly. i am really struggling to be happy and i am really almost gone.

damn you demons.

i said, silence.

(paul i am just having pms right?)

p.s. not directing this entry to anyone none of you deserves this tribute but anyhow you felt the stab you might be one of the processed post entry anger.

Masking.

how could people be so happy effortlessly? but i have to painstakingly go through the drills of "you have nothing to be unhappy about" and put on a mask with complimentary of machine gun unsettled funny story-times. funny how i never want to be in the pictures anymore because i see more through the viewfinder than i see nothing in my own eyes. my eyes are dead.

somehow i died somewhere, i think i did. i think i am afraid of myself.

people always drown in darkness, i'd try the light this time around. i think i have a problem.

The late parade.

Love isnt the only problem in this world and I have looked mostly beyond this love. The lack of this, the lack of that and whatever lacking it is, it wont be a whole unless you decide it could be a whole all over again. The fragility of quality living could be vulnerable any point of time, at any different trigger and we bear so much consequences all the times but with of all unfairness, we dont deserve it, we dont want it, we couldnt help it. We were just given.

Hold control but live the fullest anyway. Because when you are given, there isnt any refund or chucking and it wont go. You are given.

Fond of alphabets lately, and I am amazed by words. I thought I have ran out of them. Now, take 2.

Pouts

Saw this again.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

my dear friend, onxy shouting mate, school song singing partner, tohtuck connection, julian, is leaving mi. ( upset ) which means sports day will not be so fun anymore, no one else to sing school song with. ( pouts )

so this, to dedicate to julian xie xiuyi ( i mean yishua, wait no, yixiu )

for all those times you stood by me ( when i'm ronely in tohtuck canteen )
for all the truth that you made me see ( the cracks on the stairways of tohtuck blocks )
for all the joy you brought to my life ( double chin twist ! )
for every wrong that you made right ( sure, watching naughty video when we skip school )
for every dream you made come true ( you always appear in my dreams, but only guest appearance )
for all the love i found in you ( the love for you-know-what )
i'll be forever thankful babe ( babe, as in that pig babe )
you're the one that held me up ( remember when i was crying VERY badly months ago )
never let me fall ( you only touched my breasts )
you're the one who saw me through, through it all ( okay la, this one quite true )

you were my strength when i was weak ( you brought free food for me so i wouldnt starve )
you were my voice when i couldnt speak ( msn audio conversation when i still dont have the mircophone )
you were my eyes when i couldnt see ( tohtuck tour guide )
you saw the best there was in me ( future ceo of the biggest investment company in singapore )
lifted me up when i couldnt reach ( to change a lightbulb if i had no ladder )
you gave me faith cause you believed ( 'sometimes believing is all we need' )
i'm everything i am beause you loved me ( not really, really )

you gave me wing and made me fly ( with free pina colada )
you touched my hand, i could touch the sky ( i can touch the sky, but you did not touch me )
i lost my faith, you gave it back to me ( when i'm so faithless )
you said no star was out of reach ( when i'm so faithless )
you stood by me and i stood tall ( thats you, and thats my hair - tall )
i had your love, i had it all ( must fight with maine )
i'm grateful for each day you gave me ( you are going to be a nurse but you are not god )
maybe i dont know that much ( about sex )
but i know this much is true ( sex guru )
i was blessed because i was loved by you ( dont let maine read this )

you were always there for me ( bejeweled ! )
the tender wind that carried me ( the only tender thing is your big ass )
a light in the dark shinning your love into my life ( your colourful braces while clubbing in a very dark environment )
you've been my inspiration ( now no more, no more year 3 in new campus )
through the lies you were the truth ( brace yourself for the next bracket )
my world is a better place because of you ( 'because of youuuuu' )

WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME.

( sorry jp and nic, next time then i type a very sentimental entry for you guys, if you guys ever like join nursing or something )

it was really funny and sad at the same time but she dont write things like this anymore, maybe i should try to leave again like somewhere then maybe she will have the inspiration to write again. except i dont think she would be able find any name to fit into Maine's. my best friend has been taken away from me by stupid csi, dumb xfiles, or worse annoying mmorphg (whatever!) game, seriously not forgetting her stupid beauty sleep which doesnt make her any more beautiful than she is to me ( okay dont hair stand but) and she is really funny and i love her.

ok bye.

close

"why cant you be by yourself why? do you only love me because there would be someone by your side? you just want me around, you just want me around and if there wasnt me, there would be others, why cant you be by yourself? you have no heart for me, you dont love me at all."

i thought i did replied, "leave if you think so."

i have no heart, no love, no sympathy, no empathy and oh yeah no humanity. why do i have to allow odds keep coming into my life to destroy what ive built, to put myself in such vulnerability and to keep seeing myself picking up pieces over and over again? it gets tiring to put yourself in that emotion turmoil which boils in your heart again and again. a second, you feel like life's back and another, you stuck (there is no such thing as stucked) in a daze feeling horrible wishing you could go away asap.

i have learnt to not categorize my feelings as hurt or hate. i have learnt to diversify my feelings such as (still) hurt, hatred, anger, disgust, disappointments and sometimes i actually dont feel anything at all. i have became this numb skull and i dont know when was the last time i cried it out loud or maybe all the time i was just sobbing silently waiting for fatigue to engulf me.

i like to push images, thoughts, words, or people away so i will do just fine. sometimes, in fact all the time, alot of people do not understand how i function and they just dont understand and no you dont have to, you dont have to.

i am fine this way.

final call

release is like listening to feist's i feel it all.

i feel it all, i feel it all
i feel it all, i feel it all
the wings are wide, the wings are wide
wild card in sight, wild card in sight

release is like listening to feist's i feel it all once again.

i’ll be the one who'll break my heart
i'll be the one to hope

then finally release is like listening to feist's i feel it all.

i'll be the one who'll break my heart
i'll end it, though you started it
the truth, the lies

silly me.

Since Livejournal's down, I couldnt do my every-three-minute posting and I kinda felt strange and very upset. Because I have so much momentary rants and if I dont rant I would go crazy being kept. I dont know when was the last time happiness came. I am quite sick and tired of fighting for just a chance to be truly happy.

You fight this time.

So the evening is here, and I am going out right now to spill the rest of me for the rest of the world instead of just being .. oneself. Catch ya later.

If there is any deciding factor to this night.

Willingly Tired

Willingly has been one of my top few plays in these recent days and I am really reading into the lyrics. Quite warming and just what I need, to just slip away quietly. I am frustrated and I dont even know how to start telling.

I wish she would start trying and I would not stop trying. I am too tired right now..

when i was just a young boy
my mama said to me
don't fall in love willingly

now that is all forgotten
unwilling memory

but if you change your mind
i will walk the line
i'll follow....
willingly

we used to talk about it
but now it seems the wind has blown your way
and i have come to doubt it
that you and I will ever love again

'cause good enough is one thing
that i will never be
and i admit it all
willingly

and now the times are changing
the things i've seen before don't look the same
my life is rearranging
but falls apart with whispers of your name

and though i swear to love you
with all sincerity
i'll slowly fade away
willingly

the sun is on my shoulders
perhaps it's colder for ive lost some pride
or maybe it's the absence
of all the joy i felt right by your side

and when the storm was over
i found your memory
and i will hold it warm
willingly

Too late

I wish the earth would just split and gulf me down to the deepest core. I am going to watch my rented dvds right now.

I even rented My Best Friend's Wedding.

weekends again.

Was at the gala premier of Harry Potter at Great World City in collaboration with Forde Media and YouthEmpire. Great turnout and great movie of course. Great movie if you had not read the book but if you read it, you'd expect more than that of course.. Hermione Granger is so hot. She is so hot and intelligent. Intelligence is the new sex, better than pussy sometimes. Sometimes I say.

I met her. I dont know how else I should feel because I am supposed to be over her but obviously I am held back because what if she came back and I am that jerk again and I have to start all over again? Then again, I dont have to hope for anything at all because okay I need to stop being so pessimistic, seriously. The fact is that I want her back more than anything but I could take it with a pinch of salt. She means so much to me, to just even listen to her breathing and looking at her while she's asleep, makes me so contented. She makes me feel like home and she makes me feel so comfortable. I wont even mind if she snorts all over me.

I should stop thinking because I am going to fall into that long daze again.

Another day

I am blogging in the train right now in real time, you know being online in the train right now! This is all possible because of M1's vodafone portable wireless that can be connected anywhere in Singapore, even in the tunnel (because I just went through the tunnel from Bedok to Kembangan!) This is really amazing. I firstly refused to use the new technology because it scares to me to know that such technology are invented since Ipod. All I wanted to do is to read my book and you know, listen to music but Charlotte thrusted her laptop to me since she is going to play her PSP and she doesnt want me to feel left out of the technology space, so... here am i experiencing new technology on train and still Ipod-ing.

So this morning I woke up with a really heavy head it is either because of the alcohol or I slept without drying my hair. My mother was being very annoying in the morning coming in and out of my bedroom asking random questions, which is super irritating when I couldnt even wake up to snooze out Spice Girl (my alarm clock) furthermore I have to move my mouth to answer her. Such a torture. Hahaha

I was a little late in meeting Charlotte but I still managed to pack her stuffs in a bag. And that ..comes to my concern. What about her toothbrush which marked 'ML'? Should I return it to her? I dont know, that toothbrush meant alot to me. To buy a toothbrush and to mark it 'ML', I seriously think that I was hoping for a long run in the future. You know, to be able to brush our teeth together in the morning.. Quite silly and trivial because I could either throw it away or give it to her back rather than to see 'ML' staring in my face every morning when I brush my teeth.

But I guess I am saving that, in any futile hope to see that she might waltze back into my life anytime. But like Charlotte said, its only a toothbrush why so gei gao (troubled)? Hello not gei gao okay, but it has sentiment values, a very high value.

To think that I didnt want her to move her stuffs back in my place because my ex girlfriend's stuffs arent out of my place and I didnt think that it was nice of me to allow her to move in while the remnants are still in place. But it doesnt matter now.

I saw her yesterday night and I think she is very happy right now. As long as she is, I will be. I will be because I am wanderer, I skip to places where everyone knows me and where everyone doesnt. But I am not that slick enough to be under your skin.

So now Rachael Yamagata sounds different again.

I figured this episode is over.

L-E-S-B-I-A-NTV Jerk, Out.

Better

You know something? I feel lighter today (not in terms of weight) and actually.. happier! I spent alot of travelling time thinking about ..things in general and I think I should still remain that Jerk that I was before. It makes me happier and I could take things easily rather than this forever lover persona. It really wore me down being one because every single thing I do I get so affected but hey I am the treasurer of memories and I am the super wonder of What-ifs.

I think she is really good at resisting and refraining and it is fabulous for her because I dont want to hurt her the way I have done it and I wouldnt want anyone to hurt her the way I did. She remains as a good friend and a special friend that I know part of me would always love her since from the start of the friendship. She is really amazing and I know that whoever gets her would be really lucky! I guess we would see what we want when we are older and maybe when we are older, maybe things could be given a shot again in uh, a pure and unadultered love and loving in such carefree that we just fall in love with each other with the world turning away and that she knowing my sincerity. I guess you'd have guessed my positivity is overflowing currently at this moment.. But although we talked lesser right now, I hope she do know that I still care alot and I am around, invisible and that if she needs anyone for b&j and whitechicks or even mambo, I'd be here.

For me, I guess that jerk in me will never leave until someone good comes along again. I guess I am a better friend than lover. Which I have always insisted that I dont do friends.. But I dont mind doing it all over again hahah, hey it has its perks! Now I know why Cheryl always date friends..

Cheryl & I were on the phone talking about warping on warpness and we both agreed it was time to date men and get out of this messy lesbian world that quite depresses us all the time and our hearts could never take it. But I guess we are still pretty lesbians since we are all going for Butch Hunt tonight!

Maybe I need a butch in my life. Like a butch loving me and taking care of me. OMG I CANT BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT!!!!

But what's wrong with that? My ex girlfriend used to be a butch and I like being dominated. I love girls I love girls I love girls and I cant deny.

P/s: Carrie has free incoming calls now since the M1 advertisement.
Pp/s: My Sims have given birth to twins and I am so busy right now!

For now,
Jerk signing out.

detest

T caught me smoking, sitting outside the train station and pointed to my cigarette, "Your dinner?". I nodded and took a long drag, waved good bye. Whenever I am upset for a period of time, I'd lose weight like mad because I dont eat my meals, rarely feeling hungry and have a total loss of appetite. It happened drastically once, I dropped whopping 12kg in within 3 months when I was so fucking fat I think I could nearly shadow a cow. Recently I just dropped about 3 kg that I have put on since..

Every now and then I still bear a little hope in me for everything, just a little hope. Well thats the first start to a positive perspective isnt it? I make attempts to correct my thoughts and I try to psycho my head into thinking this/that/whats not. That is really exhausting plus I have been resisting every single thing about her that comes to my mind and I thought I was going to have an epilepsy anytime. I fell into many long daze today, and I spaced out so often I dont really know where was I and I cant really helped if I dazed because in the first place when I spaced out, I spaced out. I dont even know that I spaced out until Xinyi rubbed my back and ruffled my hair. I drifted back to good old days, happy memories. It felt just like a old movie playing on my timeline. I felt like crap and how I would just scream silently in my head to tell myself to stop and its deafening..

I hate it when night comes, it is the hardest to go through and it hurts so badly i just want to crawl underneath my comforter, just shut my eyes so tightly and mutter a quick prayer, 'make it go away please.'. To think that we have spent so many nights together and if maybe I wasnt so stupid, we would be still.

I really gave it to my mom. She really annoyed me and she really couldnt see those pain and lies in my eyes. Every day without fail, she would ask those questions that would hit the spot and it really saddens me and I just refused to answer her and I tried to shoo her away but she swings by my room and asked me if i was sorry and upset.

I had it. I burst into tears.

Not.

Now I am alternating between John Mayer and Black Mountain.

Black Mountain really sends me out running freely and reminding myself to constantly stay free. It has a sad melody but it really gives a cut to what I should be feeling. I could like switch from being depressed to releasing myself. I should stop feeling being so longing, so.. I dont know, I need to stop beating up myself.

I cannot take this misery and I wish I could snap out of it with a click of my fingers. I am going to cut short my entry and I need to stop being so wounded. So much for being able to release myself. Now I know cruelty is back for me and regret is all I can be filled with.

I hate how my mom talks about her, because I never wanted to be reminded again. I just fall into this incredible and amazingly long daze as I try to recollect all of my happiest days with her and all my defenses would just break down.

Move on ju.

Go, tiger.

bittersweet

I dont know if I would truly appreciate the joys of being in a weekend especially sundays. For me, saturdays are usually spent looking forward to sunday and sunday are usually spent looking forward to monday and the cycle never stops. I appreciate weekends better because I get space and moments for myself to do whatever I want to do even if it is to just stare at the wall or read xiaxue's archives over 100 million times. In fact I dont really spend time with my parents, except for sunday mornings we would sit around the tv, have brunch and just bask in each other's presence e.g. dad using the laptop, mom watering(talking to) the plants and me slurping the beehoon as quick as possible and maybe some channel surfing which will induce my dad's glaring hence my quick slurping of beehoon. I would return back to my room and lean over the grills and watch the clouds float by.

I cannot figure what is going through my head most of the times because I am filled with so many unanswered questions, with so many convictions that I cannot keep track, with so many scenes in my head and so many what ifs..

Today I spent my afternoon mooning over split milk again and I started playing The Sims 2. And how I wished I could control my life the way I controlled my Sims and nothing would have went wrong, I mean somehow it would go wrong but all you have to do is to save it periodically and if lets say you woohooed (fuck) another girl and your girlfriend found out and breaks up with you, all you could do is to not save it and load the previously saved game and voila! your girlfriend is still madly in love with you but hey.. reality check! Dont we wish that all of this happens? Lesser emotional baggaged in this make-believe world and how I wish I could live in that world.. So I tried to live my life in the Veronaville and I created a new profile, "Julianne Tatum" and I married this guy Edward but he died in the fire because I was cooking and something exploded. But no worries, reload it again! Hey my hubby's back and we tried for a baby and a baby's on the way... (Got quite sick of the game)

So now I am back on my bed, reality check and nursing whatever's hurting right now. I think I might be mild schizopherenic. I perceive very negatively and I think most of you are trying to conspire some things against me. I asked for stability but I think I am slowly realizing I am not stable in the first place at all. Just like how I would travel all the way for you to bring you breakfast and in the midst of it, I would think of situations of "What if I opened the door and I see someone else sleeping beside her?" "What if she isnt happy about it?"

I cant stand myself being so washed out. I am meeting Trina tomorrow and I need help before self-destruction.

Intuition

Still awake at 3 am. So many thoughts are swimming inside my head and I think I should keep myself light headed as much as possible, no point in dwelling and crying over split milk. Vertical Horizon's keeping me safe and sane maybe I should sleep with them whispering in my ears and maybe all those bad dreams would just go away especially dreams that comes with her name and i tend to call her name out and it is really pushing my limits of being insane.

I set a good fire today. With a good foundation of huge and chunky charcoals, the fire will burn for hours and for the rest of the night you could throw in the minute ones to sustain the fiery fire. Like relationships.

A love is not complete with only heat and they can tease you, break or complete you. And in came the heatwave, a merciful save, you choose, you chose.. poetry over prose.

I feel so naked to the world. Stop looking.

if you're gone

Open your eyes, I'll still be by your side

How could I ever have been so blind?