guam

If anyone bothered, I have touched down in Guam at 4ish am after our flight has been delayed in Singapore for almost one and a half hour in a stuffy and entertainless philipines airline, with two i-think-they-are-lesbians travelers and mom taking up my already very small private place. (dad was somewhere else in the plane)

After slightly 4 hours, we transited at Manila and had to run because of our delayed schedule, dad thought we might missed the flight to Guam. The customs were really stringent and horrible and I thought bangkok was the only country that required me to take off my belt but now I had to like take my clit piercing, belt and shoes. (ok kidding about the clit piercing) They were like touching my breasts, my ass just everywhere...

So another 4 hours later, we reached Guam.

dad gotten a car, but it is like left hand driving! it was scary to drive and like almost too scary to do anything else because dad kept mixing up the controls for the signals and the windscreen wiper or like occasionally squirt some water.

so we slept in an inn, so retro, staying in an inn hahahahahha i wish i could ask for one pot of tea and buns! super budget because the things here are really expensive especially the local brands but if you are going for international brands i.e LV, Chanel, Hermes, Gucci, it is really cheaper. (1 bottle of lemon tea cost USD 3)

Spent the morning navigating our way with our map(s) and did some shopping as well but ... its kinda boring here. Guam looks like hawaii but it is a boring hawaii with no pearl harbour but they do have uh.. two lovers point. lol, it is a cliff that rumoured that two lovers had to elope but couldn't do it so they jumped down the cliff to the endless pacific ocean, and i assume they died. hence, this.. uh two lovers point! kidding me, SO marketing strategy but it was rather beautiful!

the shopping here is actually great and girls would go crazy and spend like 5 hours inside but poor daddy!

there are only 150k in Guam! and most of their tourists are actually japanese! i felt like i am back in Japan! they are like at every other corner and they shop LV like mad hahahahahaha shit i wish i was Japanese, which it could have been happened because my mom was dating a japanese guy before meeting my dad! walao! walao!

i would have been this:

ok kidding but i think my friends dont love me anymore because they are all going for a lesbian party tonight at gotham penthouse and i am stuck in guam and jiayi did it on purpose! oh well, i will just get out of this space and smoke (reds i am smoking reds) while reading the kite runner again.

betrayal could never be so surreal and clenching.

good night world, it is almost 12 here while you guys are watching ch8 chinese news.

(two lovers point)

constitution.

had pure ice vanilla (coffee bean, i have never been a fan of coffee bean. my loyalty remains to starbucks but today was circumstantial. i heart starbucks!) over a very sensitive and touchè subject - infidelity.

kidding me right, who am i to talk about infidelity? i know i looked like the kind who would act on infidelity but the fact is, the only time i ever did, was the last time i ever did and had never felt like an asshole than ever because i hurt the one i loved most of these 21 years. maybe i had my reasons, maybe it was circumstantial, maybe it was the other party maybe maybe, so many reasons but could never cover up for the fact that i committed infidelity.

but she wasn't the only victim, so was i. everyone around us, without a doubt, took part in committing an infidelity either being the wrecker or the slut.

my eyes were on fire, my words were so bitter, my face flushed with anger, my body raged when i thought of my past paranoias, suspicious, the bitterness, the overwhelming truth that hit you hard, the denials and so much more.

what constitutes a good relationship? (and when i mean relationship, means ready to commit and not those flings or whatever no-status quo kind)

#1, trust
#2, accountability
#3, compromising
#4, two-way communication
#5, long term goals for the r/s

of course, this is what i have been trying to inculcate into my relationships. i know it sound kind of serious, but if you are not serious, why are you in a relationship? relationship does mean you are ready to take the matters into another level, and it should be an adult relationship and not some silly puppy relationship (eUUu b mUa sTeADy okIe?)

all must co-exist, or at least first 3 must be established to maintain a good relationship, i ain't no expert at relationships but evaluating from my countless relationship(s), i have come to conclusion of the kind of relationship i really want THAT IS if i ever get into another one. in addition, it takes two to make a relationship work because if i can establish all of them, it is futile if my partner do not partake or share the same kind of values, or rather similar values.

#2, accountability do not mean "reporting" i.e. "dear i am going to bathe/shit/eat/cook" NO NO NO. don't make it sound like a hassle to have the courtesy to let your partner know where would you be going and with whom, and don't make it sound like you need privacy and you don't need to "report". can't you see it isn't "reporting"? it is allowing your partner to have some space to be somewhere without her and my friend is right about this sentence, "if you have nothing to hide, then there isn't anything that's not answerable."

this is accountability, amateur relationships wouldn't have it. but do not take advantage of this accountability because if you overdo it, it will become an irritability.

what constitutes of infidelity? ( i am rather anal about the list)

#1, physical intimacy with someone else (i.e. making out, lusty kissing, sex)
#2, emotional infidelity (i.e. falling in love with someone else/having a crush?!)
#3, unnecessary endearments in texts (i.e. "hi honey bunny")
#4, excessive texting with an unknown someone
#5, clearance of inbox and sentbox
#6, excessive flirting context with an unknown someone
#7, anything that you are hiding.

(more to come)

they do not have to co-exist, and you will get hell from me because i am very particular and very sensitive to suspicious acts. my instincts are as strong as animal instinct but for mine, it is called women's instincts, and they are usually rather accurate especially concerning infidelity. honestly, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to lie about, there wouldn't be any vibes and traces of anxiety. really, the more you have to hide, the more dodgy you seemed.

it is like if you did fake an orgasm, i would know.

so what are your constitutions?

i like them

malacca's sunset

i think i really grew up alone with occasional flow of friends and family but i bared all of it on my own because i am the only child, the only daughter of this household. i don't have a constant companion and that has taught me very well of being tough and independent, although i might still be living under my parent's roof and feeding on my parent's money but it doesn't mean i am spoilt, bratty or other descriptions of an only child. i consider myself as an individual and the only individual because i have yet to find someone who is exactly like me, if i happen to find that someone who is exactly like me, i think she is the one.

someone who dances or skips to barry white in the morning, who creates really bad jokes but really funny that throws your friends off the hook, someone who would rather stay in for in-house movies, someone who would go out alone and just plug in her ipod, someone who would keep her phone silent ignoring the world and her friends are lucky to get her text replies faster, someone who would enjoy hot starbucks vanilla latte under a hot sun, someone who would love mambo nights, someone who enjoys viceroy and couldn't/wouldn't smoke other brands (maybe besides Marlboro ice mints!), someone who would want to finish traveling Asia in within 9 years, someone who would be able to do household chores except ironing clothes, someone who could exude such great confidence & charisma, someone who would just read sweet valley books or chick lits.. etc, someone who's capable of romantic antics! ( all must exist together)

basically, someone who's like me.

but for now, for those who have been reading this space, get a moniker if you don't feel comfortable putting your real name, let me know what you have thought of me as a friend or someone virtual.

i thank you for your comments and harsh words in any case, in advance. ( for this entry, i have activated haloscan for your compositions)

(i told you i hate titles)

(this is the east side of sg for you)
inspired by peter bjorn and john- young folks!

I used to blog frivolously every other day because there were so many events happening, be it physically or emotionally. No, I haven't slowed down any. Because for 21 years, I am finally living like an individual instead of being "clique-y" or literally frivolous or maybe I just found peace and contentment within myself. I spent my time with my mom making her cook so often than ever (crying hungry poor child), I spent my time traveling to school with my favourite music (although I don't update my song lists or following the latest tunes, I am still stuck with albums), I spent class hours with my classmates scribbling silly conversations with charlotte (because we are not allowed to talk) and smoking, I spent my time traveling back home with Sangewea (PSP), I spent my weekends with my friends eating steamboat, catching hk serials, movie themes and alot of bad jokes (mostly contributed by me) and smoke of course.

I have mellowed into a woman who is taking charge of her life with her priorities. I don't spend my time wallowing in self-pity, crying unfairness, yelling its a yes or the high way or pondering what's going to happen next. In fact, I am living my life with zest!

Sometimes it felt strange to feel contentment or happiness. I have accepted the fact that people do come and go, very well. I have become so neutral sometimes it scares me if I would lose feelings or emotions.

Whatever happens, please do know that having your family and your closest friends by your side is something that you could never ask for more.


(shit i am getting boring)
(anyway today is 黄金路大决局, so quit calling my cell!)
(after today, then ask me out)

The 1st death anniversary

I hardly talked about my family (except for my mom's insanity sometimes) because I never thought we were as close except for my grandparents and 2 older cousins but rather drifted apart when I moved out of grandparents' place but the emotional bond never broke. My extended family were never as close or even my own family were never that close as some other families are big and really knitted together. I guess the Seah 谢+Wong 王 family only reunites for 红和白事 (red -festive and white-funerals occasions) And for a matter of fact, only a few certain Seahs and All Wong reunites on Sundays.

As I was saying that we(full attendance) only meet other for 红和白事, actually even for 红事 (festive, weddings etc) you don't even get 'full attendance'. But for丧事(wake), even relatives in Hongkong/China or distance relatives whom you had never even seen before, turns up for the event.

Today marked the 1st death anniversary of 爷爷(grandfather). Time passed by so quickly and I missed him terribly. Unavoidable topic of the day, mom was being insane as usual. She stole a certain flower bud from the Nursing home that 爷爷 was in, and today she reported that the flower bud grew through out the year but bloomed this afternoon. And she gave that auspicious and "i feel very cold and very 邪门"( a certain expression in chinese meaning odd supposedly evil feelings BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT EVIL IT IS JUST A FEEL dont know how to explain) feelings, she was giving me the 0.0 eyes. Obviously patronized her "wah" and walked away.

Later in the night, my cousin clicked on me and started with "公, one year." And we started reminiscing our hours right after his last breath..

爷爷 started falling, suffered from partial memory loss, eventually succumbed to the rest of the symptoms of Dementia. He was often admitted into the hospitals for observations/check ups/surgeries and he hated hospital. He would cry and beg us to bring him home. His limbs especially his legs motor power were weak and soon he had to walk with a walking stick, gradually a walking frame and finally he couldn't walk anymore but to be on a wheelchair. In the event of deteriorating health, my 婆婆 (grandmother) suffered the most whom had to manually lift him off the bed and onto the wheelchair vice-versa, feed him meals, bathe him, change his adult diapers, cooking and washing for the family of 3 in the house. She lost so much weight and it broke my heart.

The family decided to move him into a Nursing home and refused to allow my 婆婆 to suffer with all the chores. It was the cheapest Nursing home and it was expensive every month and my father was the one who was paying all these years. I don't know if the rest of my family chipped in and it was so taxing on father because we talked about it and he was shedding tears in the dining room while looking at the bills. It broke my heart to see father like this and felt so angry wanting to confront everyone in the family to contribute but obviously not in the capacity to but I can only spur my father on.

3 years 爷爷 remained bedridden. Few months before his death, he was not stabilized at all, with frequent hospital trips with burning hot fever and difficulty in breathing. There was lung infection, and he was on portable oxygen therapy. He was admitted 3 days before he died, diagnosed with pneumonia (which is highly suspicious due to nastrogastric tube feeding which may lead to aspiration pneumonia). It felt as though he was on the verge of death and we discussed and I had my dad to affirm with the doctor for DNR (Do Not Rescuscitate). There isn't any use to keep him suffering any longer..

I remembered on 12th of January, I was rushing after night classes after 8, so I was sharing a cab with charlotte & and her then-boyfriend. Charlotte got off the cab first and then I was off to the hospital. Upon getting into the lift, I received a text from my cousin Chloe, "Gong took his last breath, at about 845." I clenched the phone tight.

I missed it. I was on the 1st floor when he left. I was too late. I saw his lifeless body on the bed, I couldn't cry. My dad and cousin were crying. I was the third to arrive. Soon, all of them came with 婆婆。婆婆cried so badly, and I broke down immediately. The loss of a loved one is so in- compensable and irreplaceable. I felt so badly for 婆婆 and rushed over to console her and standing beside her makes the space even smaller and depressive. It was so depressing to hear her cries you just felt like life isn't fair.

( I will not comment on the ward staff because I was shortly posted to that ward for internship. How nice.)

Never been in the last office room even when I was interning. And it had to be the first time and coincidentally my own grandfather. The room was so cold, the room was small but it felt so big and felt so empty. Procedures were taking place (e.g. ordering of the coffin, rituals, tents, arrangements) while the 8th generation (my cousins & i) just .. stood around and watched time ticked by and speculating the next moves.

We were divided into two groups. One would follow 爷爷 to the coffin shop, another would head to 婆婆 house to gather all his clothings and accessories. It was sadly to see that she had already packed some of his belongings (i.e. clothes). I got to choose his clothes and it was devastating. Cousins and I were packing his favourite clothes. Cousins left with the belongings to the coffin shop, while I just stayed with 婆婆 for awhile and left to the hospital for my mom to fetch me home. I was too scared and too disheartened to sleep. I couldn't stop crying but feeling relieved at the same time. I don't like him on the bed, I don't like the way he forgets who we were, I don't like the way he couldn't walk anymore and the place that he had to stay. I figured the best consolation was that he didn't have to suffer anymore, and I tried to believe he left for a better place.

So morning came. All of us gathered at 婆婆‘s house and waiting for the coffin and 爷爷 while the tent and all were set up. All of us had to kneel down on the floor and bowed our heads down to the ground while they carried the coffin and 爷爷 in, separately. (side note: we are not allowed to see the moving in because it is inauspicious as it is considered "dirty", i think)

He was wrapped in a white cloth. I held his hand but dropped immediately as my father said do not touch him (the whole yin & yang concept which i don't really care about). So the wake began.
We got to keep him for 5 days (including the night when he died). My older cousins and I kept vigil for the nights and the adults would tend for the days.

The most unbearable part for me was the prayers session for him. I never believed in higher powers but I had to do it I must do it for him, I have to do it whatever it takes to bring him to a safe place with happiness. I couldn't stop tearing during those prayers session although I could only understand 1/4 of the hainanese prayers but it was just so heartbreaking knowing that he had to go through this whole ritual mourning prayers procedure, I just couldn't accept the fact that he was the one who needs all these prayers while all along we had been praying to our ancestors.. It was just incredulous. My belief was temporary because it was my 爷爷, my loved one..

婆婆’s weepings were hitting the spot with the prayers and it was so depressing I didn't think I could go on.

The journey had to end with all his friends bade him good bye. He was a well-loved gentleman by all, on the 3rd night it was so crowded and busy. It felt like a restaurant, serving drinks and peanuts.

It all ended with weepings, loud wails and shoutings of "公公! 爸!".
He loved me well and good.













(p/s: 公公 and 爷爷 means grandfather. But of certain "rules", paternal cousins SHOULD address him as 爷爷。But I was naughty I decided to call him 公公 anyway. )

horsin' around.

if no one knew, yes i have taken my handful locks away but people are still complaining, so hard to please leh all of you! anyhow, sorry for the lack of updates! been catching up with mediacorp shows (lol, huang jin lu!), procreating in my sims, watching ally mcbeal and of course, projects! i think i am evolving again, i am not sure this time but of course i am quite contented with life right now. with plans to guam and vietnam in respectively february and march! (of course exams in between, grr!) no, i have never celebrated chinese new year in Singapore! i have a weird family but i love my extended family which means smelly fish (chloe - in chinese, chou yu) and yuhuizai especially popo (chinese for grandmother!) please reserve the biggest ang pow for me omg, i get to receive ang pows from xw too! ok all my cousins who are reading, please get married soon!

life is good oh i have a new tag line for year 2008.

it used to be, "single, available, ready to mingle!"

now, it is, "cant lose freedom, dont do obligations."

people you need theme song in your life! it brings your shoulders moving to the beat of it and it should be a rather cheery and uplifting song! it will bring you out of whatever depression or darkness you are facing anytime.

omg its 2am and i seriously need to sleep!

2007 Happened

I would try to be concise and less upsetting in entries like this! I have a knack for depressing entries, in fact I admit that I do write better when I am super depressed! Ok, here we go. (Not going to elaborate at all, sadness in elaboration?!)

1. Started 2007 with K.


2. Lost Grandpop on 12th Jan 07.

3. We broke up.


4. Cheryl and I hosted NTU Hall 10's 10th anniversary charity carnival to the Singapore Chesire Home at Novena Square for 3 days.

5. Eunice


6. Gisele.


7. Verve


8. Celebrated Fiona's 20th.


9. Melissa
10. My 20th
11.Scuffles
12. Bangkok




13. Melissa's graduation

14. Cousin's wedding (DONT LAUGH)


15. Dr Raj's wedding



16. Nurses Night Out!


17. Met up with old friends.

18. Julyn's 19th + Virgin Gmax Ride



19. Emily's 20th


20. Jasmine's departure to Germany ( love the hair jasmine, roll eyes! hee!)


21. Japan



22. Virgin train ride to M'sia.



23. Shaun's 25th


24. Annual Geylang trip for food! (Hari Raya!)


25. Jill and Liwen's birthday!


26. Charlotte's 19th.


27. Juice's 9th.


and many other small events of course, i am sorry if i did missed out certain few(s). i spent christmas differently from others, i spent it alone (not literal) but with different groups of friends (hence, pinball) and not the same people that i used to spend it with. and this year's new 2008 bang, alone.

hey it doesnt matter, i have myself and i think i am living for myself and not with someone else or for someone else. with this, i found peace, stability and grasp of bigger pictures. i spent most of my december holidays with my secondary school sweethearts (not so secondary afterall in this context), dogged friends (with cheryl included - she became one of them - interrelated somehow), my loving but annoying lotte and i do realized the time i have spent with mel & friends were bare. i am a pinball and i think i would always be a pinball and now i do realized what the "universal" card meant.

i have lost many important people in the 2007 and some would never come back but some did. i met Maine only in later this year ever since we broke up and it brought back millions of memories but all i can say is that, i am thankful that she is back and with the friendship i could offer her. she remained significant till this day and at least i have her back this xmas & new year.

i dont expect people to stay for long but those who have stayed, i thank you for your presence and your love. i don't always have appreciation at the tip of my tongue but my gratefulness are etched deeply in my heart.

this year is about to end, and this year for me is about to end.
2007 happened.

i wish all of you well and with so much love.
i wish all of you with so much so much love.

thank you.

perioperative xmas.

1. meritus mandarin hotel
2. light bulb 1
3. laughing at singaporeans for taking pictures of a lamborghini
4. mahjong
5. light bulb 2
6. east coast park
7. deborah
8. heineken
9. light bulb 1
10. raffles place
11. lying on grass patch
12. ally mcbeal

13. sleep at 7 am
14. lunch at 3pm
15. wakes up at 8ish
16. craves for lambchop
17. spontaneous meet ups (major bitching)
18. upp. thomson/havelock rd/holland v/cineleisure (private joke)
19. old woodbridge + last kampung
20. ally mcbeal
21. sleep at 8am

22. typing this now
23. i feel like getting food
24. super lazy
25. calling mac, maybe can win 10k.

i was actually wishing for smth gd to happen this xmas but.... apparently nope. still the same me, lingering at petrol stations.

xmas 07

so this is it.

merry christmas my ladies (and probably some ..guys?)

2 more days

xmas in 2 days.
what does it mean to you?

Perks of Being A Singaporean

Your expensive Singapore Flyer. Finally, colours.

struggle

i have an angry soul that is waiting to snap at its greatest. the pms is here again and i dont really know anymore if it is the pms that is driving the people around me crazy with my irritable antics. i feel the sudden anger to snap at the important people in my life and i want to wipe everyone on this earth away. i want them to stop talking, stop making so much noise. i want some silence and i want more silence. when i dont speak means i am unwilling to converse and if you have something to say to me, you better not say it because i really need silence to undulate in me to find a balance before i start shooting off in my utmost tactless honesty.

with silence comes space, i need space i need a bigger space than you know how much i need because i feel claustrophobic now if i am suffocated with little walking space and just little space to do anything else like rolling on the floor. i have a high anger threshold, i can hold it well i can speak of nothing but it doesnt mean you can write me off anytime anywhere and do not attempt to ask me questions like "are you angry?" because firstly it is written on my face (not my face book but my face) and secondly i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings by shooting ungrateful remarks and in the end i get a guilt trip which i do not need that and that would make me more angry with everyone and myself. and lastly do not persist.

i am very capable of very bitter sarcasms that my mother even snaps and screaming ungrateful. i am typing this served as disclaimer to anyone who tries to annoy the intestines out of me, and bitter sarcasms do not come with vulgarities because at this brink they do not measure up with the anger i have anymore and likely to launch personal attacks.

first and foremost i would like to explain my anger in me but i cannot do it because i have no idea why at certain junction of time i get angry and annoyed by people's doings, sayings and thinkings. wait, maybe i was not angry in the first place but being neutral with threading thin ice of being irritable , very irritable means VERY irritable. i get angry to the point of just dashing to the road and i do not even flinch at the thought of being knock down by the car because my veins are consumed with anger and maybe i would even bleed boiling blood.

no this is not bi polar so quit saying i am being bi polar and i would be glad that i am diagnosed as bi polar because at least i would get my mood stabilizer and not feel this way because it doesnt feel good at all or to feel that the world's a total shit. i just want to live longer and finish what i have to do and not feel this angst all over my growing age and not even flinch at the brink of death. i just want to live normally and go through this happiness route which obviously is not here yet and stop saying it will come, because i know it will come. stop telling things that people want to hear and stop patronizing people because it is fake and you really need put more effort and stop saying things like you'd be there for me but fuck all bullshits it requires more than just mouth work.

i really just want to live normally and have nothing to do with this facade and just be happy. i just want to be happy so badly. i am really struggling to be happy and i am really almost gone.

damn you demons.

i said, silence.

(paul i am just having pms right?)

p.s. not directing this entry to anyone none of you deserves this tribute but anyhow you felt the stab you might be one of the processed post entry anger.

Life life life.

I am so sorry for that long unannounced hiatus. Been really busy these few weeks with endless projects (with really loser teammates) and whatever assessments i had! This whole new year 3 is rather fulfilling and busy and I really like it a lot despite my frequent rants but its great!

Yeah 1724's out, I am not sure how many caught it but it is great! I think we have a shot at winning first prize which is 10k. Ok I sound too confident but even if we dont win, its fine because I think we did a great job for the pre-publicity and the bed scene-stomps prints peripheral! I have always wanted to participate/be involved in AIDS campaign! Totally self-actualizing already.






For the rest of the photos, please visit stompAIDSnyp!

Right after 1724, I had a whole weekend getaway to Malacca with my friends to just release whatever I need to. Everything was breathing down my neck and seriously, I needed that getaway although it was short but it was really relaxing. Nothing fanciful but.











This year .. is about to end so quickly. Unknowingly its December and 2008 is coming, and so many things happened in 2007 which held close to my heart for the heart aches, lessons and also small bits of happiness here and there! Consensus to short lived happiness?

Maybe I should spend sometime recollecting my thoughts for 2007. Give me sometime, because i think I have turned into hokkienvulgarityclubpresident07@hotmail.com and hokkienvulgarityclubvicepresident07@hotmail.com ahahahahaha.

So Christmas's around the corner and I have no idea how to spend it and I dont think I want to spend it in Sg, no choice but to i think but luckily momsie gets to go Philippines and chill for Xmas! I have been really good but recently I have been pulled back but rest assured I am alright.

So chill out and await for a long time no emo post! I am just so fidgety right now! and really exclamationy! !!!!!!!!

shut up ju.