49th

i dont formulate my words much i guess this is how it will go.

i heard my neighbour playing the piano, tapping the keys of "beauty and the beast". somehow for some reason, tears welled up and i felt a sudden urge to just run back to my childhood. working in paediatrics, made me conscious of my childhood. i didnt had a really bad childhood compared to some, but i grew up with canes, screams, fears, solitariness, angst, maybe unhappiness. i dont know how to describe those days because i think i have tried my best to forget about my childhood and it worked. i cannot remember any wonderful moments only those when i cried my heart and soul out either for being punished heavily or something bad happened. when i mean bad, it really meant bad.

seeing these beautiful children running, yelling, crying and whining made me really envious because their parents would carry them, coo them, shower tons and tons of love. they are so young, i dont think they would know maybe i never did know maybe my parents did that as well, but i really couldnt remember any. i miss my parents, i miss my mommy, i miss my daddy, i miss my grandmother, and my dear grandfather. not like they are dead or anything except for my grandfather of course..

i hate growing up, i blamed my parents, i love my grandparents i used to hate them. i dont know what is happening right now. yesterday night i reached home after work, i called mummy and asked where she was, and she said she was on her way home, in fact walking towards our home from carpark. i rushed to open the door and stood there like i was 5 years old back then waiting for my mommy to come home, my anticipation rise as every lift made their way up to 6th level, and i was awaiting but to no avail, to my surprise, i started to tear and bit my lips. i was disappointed by my expectations. i missed my mummy so much, what has happened to this family i have no idea. i saw mommy and i hugged her so tightly and i told her i missed her. it was great, it was happiness when i hugged her.

i never saw her much when i was a child, i dont remember her much as a child, i really dont. only instances like when she was scolding me for bugging her to bring me to the swimming pool and disturbing her when she was sleeping. and once, she threatened to bring another kid home to love, and i was so proud i told her to go ahead and see if i cared.

in fact, my heart broke because no one is going to love me anymore.

i never saw daddy either. i only saw daddy when he hit me with a cane or multiple canes, i only saw daddy he bought me a christmas present, i only saw daddy when i came to the new home with a new game everytime. i saw daddy he hit me so badly and he brought me out to east coast park to cycle and i got into an accident and i have cuts and bruises everywhere and when he saw my limbs with those cane marks, i know his heart broke.
but i dont know if i could forgive him for hitting me so badly all the time, driving me to a corner and leaving me crying in the kitchen while the rest stayed oblivious to my crying. i could only cry mummy, mummy..

no one attended my graduation ceremony, no one came attending for my prize ceremony, no one realized i could make them proud. my mummy never knew what primary school i came from.

i stole my uncle's money, i took my cousins' stuffs, i ran away from home when i was pri2, i broke the computer hard disk, i talked back to my elders, i was very rude, i was a bad kid. i really think i am a bad kid. i think i deserved all these.

popo and gonggong have to chase me with the canes and caned me till i shut my mouth. i loved running around the table and pulling the chairs so that they cant get to me while they reversed the table, i could still climb over the chairs and there, they would be stucked again! my grandfather walked me to school everyday, and carries my school bag which weighed a ton, i used to think that he walked very slow and i used to tease him that i could run home back and forth and he would not even reached home yet! they controlled my lifestyle, my limits.. my freedom. for 13 years i lived with them without my parents, they were like my parents. and it felt as though my 'father' has just died. the one who seen me through everything, who doted on me, but i never knew.

it hurts so badly.

now i have my parents back, what is the point? i was damaged, i was torn, i grew up in solitary. there was never a word, 'family' found in my dictionary. i dont know what a family life could be, how it should be. i really dont know anything much about family.
i know that that when i really wanted them, but i dont know where they were.

regrets, and more regrets. i hate growing up.
i dont know what's going on in this household of mine. for straight 7 years, i come home, always to an empty house.

i need something tangible, i need something physical, i need security, i need love, i need so much but who is going to give it to me? hardly anyone could understand, because these paragraphs are mere words, surface graft.

i am so hollow. no, i dont want to relive my childhood.
i love you old seah.