a few years.

to our slippers which she never had the chance to use.

so, she left. we separated our ways.

this time around, it feels different. not like my usual break up or maybe it was because she didnt left me for someone else but she HAD to leave because of her miserable parents. we got discovered, again. this is less than romeo & juliet because life is larger than us.

her last words to me were,
"Be strong. Give it a few years. Wait for me. I will come for you. I love you baby." Click.

i was left in awe. like hurricane, it came and blew it so quickly i could hardly ingest. as drama as it seems, i broke down and kneel on the floor looking out of the window, i admitted defeat. we could never have any form of contacts, her parents are running a tight ship. sometimes i wonder, if she really talked to her parents, or did she pushed the blame to me? telling them i was the one who insisted on this r/s? maybe i did, but it took 2 hands to clap. i could understand, because at such situation, self is right at the top. i will take the blame for her, i will take it as though ive been harassing her, but i have been loving her, caring for her, sheltering her and .. loving her. no one knows, except for k.

now i have no idea how to explain to my mother that k wont be coming around anymore.. and i have been thinking about her sentence, 'Give it a few years. Wait for me. I will come for you..'.

what's a few years? 10 years could be a few years as well. i dont know how long she is going to take but i am expecting myself to go solo until i graduate. maybe she is going to take 5 years. 2 years in jc, 3 years in NYU.

oh god i am delusioning already. what makes you think she will keep her word and come back to you? what makes you think everything would be the same even when she comes back? can I forgive her for throwing me aside? although i understood every single detail of the situation, but the fact that she threw me aside..

i am so numb, someone asked me if i wanted to see her for one last finality and closure, i told her no, i dont want to see her at all. as much as i miss her damn badly, no i dont want to see her. it is best this way.. she is young, and she has no reason to be caged under her parents, i dont want to give it any pressure anymore. so, i will just run free, alone.

ive been taking bus very frequently and the journey is really long and cold, i could see her in my mind when i closed my eyes, i see her blushing and going all giggly when i first held her hands in the cab going to her house.

no doubt, i love her dearly. i mentioned in my prev entry, i need something tangible, something physically. maybe this have to change for now, because i know she loves me very much and i can feel her ache. maybe she will keep on loving me and come back to me in a few years' time, maybe not.

it is a gamble. now it is up to me to place a bet. i am really tired of relationships for now, i guess if anyone could try to be free while waiting for someone yet with no expectations, i guess it will be me.

i could love her unconditionally, could anyone else?