The 1st death anniversary

I hardly talked about my family (except for my mom's insanity sometimes) because I never thought we were as close except for my grandparents and 2 older cousins but rather drifted apart when I moved out of grandparents' place but the emotional bond never broke. My extended family were never as close or even my own family were never that close as some other families are big and really knitted together. I guess the Seah 谢+Wong 王 family only reunites for 红和白事 (red -festive and white-funerals occasions) And for a matter of fact, only a few certain Seahs and All Wong reunites on Sundays.

As I was saying that we(full attendance) only meet other for 红和白事, actually even for 红事 (festive, weddings etc) you don't even get 'full attendance'. But for丧事(wake), even relatives in Hongkong/China or distance relatives whom you had never even seen before, turns up for the event.

Today marked the 1st death anniversary of 爷爷(grandfather). Time passed by so quickly and I missed him terribly. Unavoidable topic of the day, mom was being insane as usual. She stole a certain flower bud from the Nursing home that 爷爷 was in, and today she reported that the flower bud grew through out the year but bloomed this afternoon. And she gave that auspicious and "i feel very cold and very 邪门"( a certain expression in chinese meaning odd supposedly evil feelings BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT EVIL IT IS JUST A FEEL dont know how to explain) feelings, she was giving me the 0.0 eyes. Obviously patronized her "wah" and walked away.

Later in the night, my cousin clicked on me and started with "公, one year." And we started reminiscing our hours right after his last breath..

爷爷 started falling, suffered from partial memory loss, eventually succumbed to the rest of the symptoms of Dementia. He was often admitted into the hospitals for observations/check ups/surgeries and he hated hospital. He would cry and beg us to bring him home. His limbs especially his legs motor power were weak and soon he had to walk with a walking stick, gradually a walking frame and finally he couldn't walk anymore but to be on a wheelchair. In the event of deteriorating health, my 婆婆 (grandmother) suffered the most whom had to manually lift him off the bed and onto the wheelchair vice-versa, feed him meals, bathe him, change his adult diapers, cooking and washing for the family of 3 in the house. She lost so much weight and it broke my heart.

The family decided to move him into a Nursing home and refused to allow my 婆婆 to suffer with all the chores. It was the cheapest Nursing home and it was expensive every month and my father was the one who was paying all these years. I don't know if the rest of my family chipped in and it was so taxing on father because we talked about it and he was shedding tears in the dining room while looking at the bills. It broke my heart to see father like this and felt so angry wanting to confront everyone in the family to contribute but obviously not in the capacity to but I can only spur my father on.

3 years 爷爷 remained bedridden. Few months before his death, he was not stabilized at all, with frequent hospital trips with burning hot fever and difficulty in breathing. There was lung infection, and he was on portable oxygen therapy. He was admitted 3 days before he died, diagnosed with pneumonia (which is highly suspicious due to nastrogastric tube feeding which may lead to aspiration pneumonia). It felt as though he was on the verge of death and we discussed and I had my dad to affirm with the doctor for DNR (Do Not Rescuscitate). There isn't any use to keep him suffering any longer..

I remembered on 12th of January, I was rushing after night classes after 8, so I was sharing a cab with charlotte & and her then-boyfriend. Charlotte got off the cab first and then I was off to the hospital. Upon getting into the lift, I received a text from my cousin Chloe, "Gong took his last breath, at about 845." I clenched the phone tight.

I missed it. I was on the 1st floor when he left. I was too late. I saw his lifeless body on the bed, I couldn't cry. My dad and cousin were crying. I was the third to arrive. Soon, all of them came with 婆婆。婆婆cried so badly, and I broke down immediately. The loss of a loved one is so in- compensable and irreplaceable. I felt so badly for 婆婆 and rushed over to console her and standing beside her makes the space even smaller and depressive. It was so depressing to hear her cries you just felt like life isn't fair.

( I will not comment on the ward staff because I was shortly posted to that ward for internship. How nice.)

Never been in the last office room even when I was interning. And it had to be the first time and coincidentally my own grandfather. The room was so cold, the room was small but it felt so big and felt so empty. Procedures were taking place (e.g. ordering of the coffin, rituals, tents, arrangements) while the 8th generation (my cousins & i) just .. stood around and watched time ticked by and speculating the next moves.

We were divided into two groups. One would follow 爷爷 to the coffin shop, another would head to 婆婆 house to gather all his clothings and accessories. It was sadly to see that she had already packed some of his belongings (i.e. clothes). I got to choose his clothes and it was devastating. Cousins and I were packing his favourite clothes. Cousins left with the belongings to the coffin shop, while I just stayed with 婆婆 for awhile and left to the hospital for my mom to fetch me home. I was too scared and too disheartened to sleep. I couldn't stop crying but feeling relieved at the same time. I don't like him on the bed, I don't like the way he forgets who we were, I don't like the way he couldn't walk anymore and the place that he had to stay. I figured the best consolation was that he didn't have to suffer anymore, and I tried to believe he left for a better place.

So morning came. All of us gathered at 婆婆‘s house and waiting for the coffin and 爷爷 while the tent and all were set up. All of us had to kneel down on the floor and bowed our heads down to the ground while they carried the coffin and 爷爷 in, separately. (side note: we are not allowed to see the moving in because it is inauspicious as it is considered "dirty", i think)

He was wrapped in a white cloth. I held his hand but dropped immediately as my father said do not touch him (the whole yin & yang concept which i don't really care about). So the wake began.
We got to keep him for 5 days (including the night when he died). My older cousins and I kept vigil for the nights and the adults would tend for the days.

The most unbearable part for me was the prayers session for him. I never believed in higher powers but I had to do it I must do it for him, I have to do it whatever it takes to bring him to a safe place with happiness. I couldn't stop tearing during those prayers session although I could only understand 1/4 of the hainanese prayers but it was just so heartbreaking knowing that he had to go through this whole ritual mourning prayers procedure, I just couldn't accept the fact that he was the one who needs all these prayers while all along we had been praying to our ancestors.. It was just incredulous. My belief was temporary because it was my 爷爷, my loved one..

婆婆’s weepings were hitting the spot with the prayers and it was so depressing I didn't think I could go on.

The journey had to end with all his friends bade him good bye. He was a well-loved gentleman by all, on the 3rd night it was so crowded and busy. It felt like a restaurant, serving drinks and peanuts.

It all ended with weepings, loud wails and shoutings of "公公! 爸!".
He loved me well and good.













(p/s: 公公 and 爷爷 means grandfather. But of certain "rules", paternal cousins SHOULD address him as 爷爷。But I was naughty I decided to call him 公公 anyway. )