sting to my eyes

it hurts.

she was online, on my msn.

"i hope my friend has texted you about the dance competition."
"i cant talk to you."
"sorry."
"i miss you though."
"take care."

it hurts so fucking badly. it strucked me, this might been the chance she ever need to escape from this overcommitted r/s. it strucked me, she might be okay after a few days. it strucked me that she could live without me. it strucked me, she needs what i could never give her. i was angry, i am angry because she could seem so well, in a fit i deleted her from my msn since we are never going to speak again.

i should stop doing things rashly because i'd regret shortly after. i felt the pinch, i felt it. my denial, my pretenses has failed me terribly. i am almost coming to terms with her leaving for good, and might never return.

it hurts so badly right now, that conversation woke me up. no i can no longer pretend she's back in SF. i can no longer pretend she is somewhere away from me the fact that she is somewhere near me but we can only be strangers.

and i was just talking about us being strangers just a few days before we got discovered. i am holding on so tightly to these memories, it hurts so badly it really does. what am i going to do right now? i hate waiting, she hates waiting how is she going to wait for this whole entire episode to be over? she cant wait. she couldnt stand to wait..

when will i see her texts ever again? when will i hear her voice ever again? when will i see her again?

"and i try, oh i try to think of all the things
that i could do to let you know that i love you"

"oh i try, i try so very hard
and i cry, i cry so very much
for i love you like you'll never let yourself feel again"

"but i'll always think of all the things you did
to let me know that you love me"

i hope she knows that she should charge her ipod very often and listen to the music because only in that way, i will be right there with her. i miss her so much, it breaks my heart so finely. i am really lost, what am i without her?

it really hurts so bloody much i think i am about to vomit out my lunch. i cant stop crying, i cant stop at all..

"that i would be good
even if i lost sanity
that i would be good
whether with or without you"

come back soon, i love you baby.