religiously

So today I have decided to not lie on the bed and I am sitting at the lower deck of my bed just right under the aircon on the blue swivel chair in the dark. The only lights are the lights from my laptop and the street/corridors lights. Just simulating my life, like how I only receive certain light from certain areas of my life.

I met Trina today and she was late for 15 minutes. Not as if I am really anticipating her arrival because I didnt really figured what I wanted to start with and I was quite nervous because I was pretty hoping for condusive session today. So T and I sat down and she went, "So what is it now after 5 months you have decided to see me again about? Spill." I did and I think I vomitted all over her. Like a child, with a drawing that I painted the skies brown and the trees blue, I didnt think I made any sense in my speech but T was kind and understanding since I have started seeing her since last year.

I cannot stop proclaiming my negativities and my cannots and she mentally recounted the number of times that I used "cant/cannot/cannot help it" and it alarmed me. She lightly accounted to me that I was affected by my parents unknowingly and that my loyalty and morals are in conflict and that everything that has happened was because of trust issues - not being able to trust myself at all. I couldnt trust myself to see that I could be happy and that I could be better than this. I couldnt trust my own judgement and everything I do I would double doubt it with alot of consequences sequel in my head. I am always thinking of things that did not happened and bad things that have happened before. I never thought of the good things that has happened or are happening in my life right now. By thinking about the things that have not happened and perceiving it that It will happen will only reinforce the behaviour and aiding in its happening.

How apt is applicable to my situation? Very apt. I tried to drive her away wanting her to prove that she could stay and also wanting to prove my theory that she wont stay and by reinforcing the behaviour I've got what I want to see in my head, seeing her leaving me. I am actually allowing it to happen and AIDING IT TO HAPPEN. I mean how come I never thought of seeing this way and how analytical and how critical am I suppose to be, diversing my perpectives in all direction?! Past have been repeated and I am going to learn from it and negativity will have to take a rain check from now on.

I must stop using cannot-s, I must notice the things that are happening now, I must stop worrying about others and start looking after myself. T said that I am always focusing on someone else showering with so much care & love for because I refused to focus on myself and I am driving myself apart. I do understand my paranoia and worries are uncalled for but probably it is because I never did placed myself at first and it was always others first.

Selfless I thought I learned that last year and I thought it was good for me.. and Chloe said I need to find a balance in my life. And I need to stop watching the clouds float by.

The rests of the conversation shall remain in my head. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself for being this way. I could see it in Chloe's eyes that how sorry she felt to see her favourite cousin being so damaged and so fucked up.

But hey, I could always go to the garage and fix myself up.

(first positive outlook of the day!)

I feel peace, yo.

p/s: I am currently reading 'Happiness Sold Separately'.