bittersweet

I dont know if I would truly appreciate the joys of being in a weekend especially sundays. For me, saturdays are usually spent looking forward to sunday and sunday are usually spent looking forward to monday and the cycle never stops. I appreciate weekends better because I get space and moments for myself to do whatever I want to do even if it is to just stare at the wall or read xiaxue's archives over 100 million times. In fact I dont really spend time with my parents, except for sunday mornings we would sit around the tv, have brunch and just bask in each other's presence e.g. dad using the laptop, mom watering(talking to) the plants and me slurping the beehoon as quick as possible and maybe some channel surfing which will induce my dad's glaring hence my quick slurping of beehoon. I would return back to my room and lean over the grills and watch the clouds float by.

I cannot figure what is going through my head most of the times because I am filled with so many unanswered questions, with so many convictions that I cannot keep track, with so many scenes in my head and so many what ifs..

Today I spent my afternoon mooning over split milk again and I started playing The Sims 2. And how I wished I could control my life the way I controlled my Sims and nothing would have went wrong, I mean somehow it would go wrong but all you have to do is to save it periodically and if lets say you woohooed (fuck) another girl and your girlfriend found out and breaks up with you, all you could do is to not save it and load the previously saved game and voila! your girlfriend is still madly in love with you but hey.. reality check! Dont we wish that all of this happens? Lesser emotional baggaged in this make-believe world and how I wish I could live in that world.. So I tried to live my life in the Veronaville and I created a new profile, "Julianne Tatum" and I married this guy Edward but he died in the fire because I was cooking and something exploded. But no worries, reload it again! Hey my hubby's back and we tried for a baby and a baby's on the way... (Got quite sick of the game)

So now I am back on my bed, reality check and nursing whatever's hurting right now. I think I might be mild schizopherenic. I perceive very negatively and I think most of you are trying to conspire some things against me. I asked for stability but I think I am slowly realizing I am not stable in the first place at all. Just like how I would travel all the way for you to bring you breakfast and in the midst of it, I would think of situations of "What if I opened the door and I see someone else sleeping beside her?" "What if she isnt happy about it?"

I cant stand myself being so washed out. I am meeting Trina tomorrow and I need help before self-destruction.