i think i am so hurt.

i love my girlfriend like crazy!
someone or something just fast forward these 3 weeks?
or just allow me to see her more please and give me strength please.

love!

a.d.d

my girlfriend (k) has A.D.D (attention deficit disorder).
example of action:

on the phone,

honey, hold on ok?
okayyyy

*shufflings behind the phone

ten minutes later.

OMG HONEY YOU ARE ON THE PHONE!
...................



damn it, i need her to pay attention to me man!

i need to stop catergorizing all emotions as hurt/pain/ache, i need to feel the angst, the disappointment, the annoyance, the irritance, the sympathy whatever. i feel sorry for myself all the time that i have to be hurt so badly all the time. maybe if i would ever get to do a heart surgery, it must be really scarred and really really badly looking. of course metaphorically.

i dont understand why must we do all sorts of things to just spite ourselves and in the process of it, we get shit and we just felt as though we are like shit.

i think i expressed too much, i think i talked too much, i think i kept dwelling on the pain itself. i should just learn to shut up, just learn to let go, just learn to keep it low or maybe even just being quiet and i am about giving in.

this will mark the first r/s i ever ever voice this much and that out so badly, i think this relationship is by far the most active relationship ever. i gave in way too much and i got shit, now i tried to fight a little for myself i get shit.

i should just give in all the way while i get shit but she gets to be happier a little? it is a lose-win situation better than a lose-lose situation right? at least somebody is happy.

i am happy too but just a little bit little than you are.
sometimes i wish that love is tangible, and you would know how much i love you.

i cant believe i am watching The Lion King, tears welling up still!
simba is bloody adorable, i love i love! i want to get the vcd.


i think i just like lions. they are sooooo fucking cute!

marry me rachael!

argh! i dreamt that k and i got a $3 tickets for rachael yamagata's concert! we were so happy and skipping around! argh!

i was studying for my exams..

the last time i had a mask on was, for .... gotham's party! eews so fat!

the world nearly died.

but now, SO CUTE!!!!!!
*humbly in my opinion of course!

well, would you date yourself if you weren't yourself? i kinda would! but i hate to handle my own insecurities issues, i am messy ( look at the pile behind my pictures!), i am annoying (according to k), i fart alot, i burp alot, i have no money, and .. probably many more that k wants to fill in.

but i know i'll love myself to death and shower myself with tons of love! and we can make out...

god i hate myself now

a letter, ondeh ondeh and popiah candy does the fireworks.

love you until the whole heart bends.

those eyes that i want to look into,
those eyes that kept me mesmerized.
i dont think i could ever leave you,
even how insanely you could drive me to,
even after countless of bitch fits you have.

even so,
id buy the condo for you.
(when i have earn big good bucks)
(to suffer more)

i feel sorry for myself, i have been doing unexpected things.
---

there's something 'bout the way you looked at me
made me think for a moment
that maybe we were meant to be
living our lives separately
and it's strange that things change
but not me wanting you so desperately


ohh, why can't i ignore it, yeah
i keep giving in but i should know better
cause there was something bout the way you looked at me
and it's strange that things change
but not me wanting you
so desperately


you looked my way and said "you frustrate me"
like you're thinking of lines and times when you and i were you and me
we took our chance out on the street
and i missed my chance
and chances are it won't be coming back to me


why can't I ignore it, yeah
i keep giving in but i should know better
cause there's something about the way you looked at me
and it's strange that things change
but not me wanting you
so desperately
so desperately, oh

ohh, why can't i ignore it, yeah
i keep giving in but i should know better
cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me
and it's strange that things change
but not me wanting you
so desperately
i want you so desperately

i keep giving in but i should know better
i keep giving in but i should know better
so desperately
i want you so desperately
--

sometimes i get so numb i thought it would just last forever and i feel great being numb. because it means i have the strength to walk away for that moment but i know when my numbness fades, my regrets cant stop piling up.

i dont understand why must we exchange hurtful words to shred ourselves apart?


this is her surprise for me! no one really did such stuffs for me ever, and i really feel weird being pampered like this. not as though i hate being pampered, but the feeling is so new and i dont think i have ever felt it before. i said sth stupid enough to have her storming out of my way and i know i never meant to say it at all.

if she could ever read this,

baby thank you for turning around. i know i can never seem appreciative enough but you have to believe me, i am. i am really surprised by your little actions, i am sorry for being such a bitch. i never meant to.

sigh now she refuses to talk to me, i feel like a big ass jerk. it is very funny how we never really seemed to catch each other when we're at the top of our affections.

i dont think i could be without her.
i dont think we could ever be without each other.

i finished the entire endocrine system! ( it is amazing to know that calcitonin, parathormones and calcitriol does the same thing and they are realllly good for blood calcium level!)

and i memorized pathophysiology of DM!
GOD, GOOD BUCKS ON THE WAY!

i am going to meet the love of my life for my surprise!

ok she says she has a surprise for me at 5pm in town!
i cant wait i cant wait i am still at glucocorticords i have calcitonin, parathormones and calcitriol.
i can do it!

and then i have the whole bloody immune system to go.
honestly, why do i even bother trying?

because,

LOVE.

(ok that coming out from me is pretty corny and argh! from a cynical lesbian lover!)

i should have done my analytical/critical thinking all the time because..

dial k's number.
"hi, you've reached .." nabei divert calls again. ( she always divert her calls when she is angry!)

dial k's number again.
click. "hi you've reached.." nabei! cancel my call.

picks up cell phone and text furiously and received a call.

"OK LAH OK LAH I WILL GO TOWN LAH I MEET YOU IN TOWN"
"no lah no lah, i am going to your house but i am coming later, i am going to meet S now."
"dont annoy me now ok."
"oh. ok.. ok. bye."

i was about to ask her to buy back vanilla latte from starbucks but "dont annoy me now ok."
honestly i think i am a loser, i have an exam tmr but yes i wanted to go town.
however 'life sucks, love hurts', you're still at it. sometimes i feel as though it is a waste of breath saying those lines because we are never going to do anything about it, especially 'love hurts'.

but now i am going to study to do something about 'life sucks'.
darn, how much can i do to 'life sucks'.

studying already sucked.
your whole life is tio sucked.

nooooo just when i was about start studying as i awaited for her highness's arrival, my phone rang.

"hi baby!"
"baby can we meet in town please please i am too tired to travel!"
"but baby i cant study in town! you know i have an exam tmr!"
"but why cant you study in town!"
"how could anyone study in town!"
"pleaseee .."
"nooo! you said you wanted to come over and you know i wont study in town!"
"fine i'll go home then."
"bayyyyy..."

click.
redial.

"STOP CALLING ME! I AM TRYING TO CALL SOMEONE!"
click.

then i furiously texted her with all my frustrations and her claims of coming over.
message sent.

waiting.

no replies.

OMG?! i dont know HONESTLY i have no idea because

1. am i being mean to her for not giving in and meeting her in town?
2. is she being mean for not giving in to me and waste a little of time travelling?
3. can i really study in town?
4. can i really study at home?
5. where to study in town!
   

i am telling you i am freaking confused now. and it is supposed to be happy 4th!

i know i am supposed to study right now but heck i am really lazy! i just realized i cant afford to be lazy. and i am about to get motivated as i type this out.

because,

1. i need to graduate with a better cert than what i am having now
2. i need a higher pay and i must ensure my ability to promote every year
3. i cant apply for flat, hence i need to get an private condo ( only singles 35yrs & abv and married couples can apply for flats. lesbians like me need not apply and i dont wish to wait till i am 35 years to get a flat)
4. a condo in the heart of singapore (in case i need the nearest spinelli I DONT CARE I WANT TOWN)
5. i have great travelling plans like france, paris, new york. (i dont think my neighbouring countries make it to the cut)
6. i have to have business class tickets because i have more leg space and bigger lcd screen.
7. i want to have a fat fat saving account
8. i want a maltese and husky running in my condo
9. i can buy a cutesy car for my girlfriend (whoever it might be, but i think it is k)
10. maybe i can do liposuction (OUCH PAIN IS THE OPERATIVE WORD)

now i have every reason to start studying right now unless someone is going to give me the easiest way out.

yeah i am a snob.

would you please meet me by the water, baby
we'll have a really good time
would you please meet me by the water, baby
'cause i can't get you off of my mind

i've been thinking everyday about you
don't fit anywhere into my life, but that's okay
'cause i think i might be right for you
and because of that, i'm not scared at all
and everyone says i'm crazy
and everyone says i'm a fool
would you meet me by the water tonight
'cause i'm ready to break all the rules

please don't leave me standing
with my heart in my hand
i can't last here
i'm breaking down,
and no on understands why i got here
but i knew from the very first moment
that i met you
you'd be the one

would you meet me by the water tonight
would you please fall asleep
holding my hand
'cause i've got everything in store for you, baby
if you'll be my man

--



as much as i want to be a cynical lesbian lover, i have good days as well.
i feel like singing feist's inside and out! really out and loud but i am ashamed to say that i would even love when i am hurt.

god that is so loser.

if only someone would give me the strength to walk away from her, i would go immediately.
i dont know what is the reason that you want me to stay.

i've been driving for an hour
just talking to the rain
you say i've been driving you crazy
and its keeping you away
so just give me one good reason
tell me why i should stay
'cause i dont wanna waste another moment
in saying things we never meant to say

and i take it just a little bit
i, hold my breath and count to ten
i, i've been waiting for a chance to let you in

if i just breathe
let it fill the space between
i'll know everything is alright
breathe
every little piece of me
you'll see
everything is alright
if i just breathe

well it's all so overrated
in not saying how you feel
so you end up watching chances fade
and wondering what's real

and i give you just a little time
i, wonder if you realize
i've been waiting till i see it in your eyes

if i just breathe
let it fill the space between
i'll know everything is alright
breathe,
every little piece of me
you'll see
everything is alright
if i just breathe
breathe

so i whisper in the dark,
hoping you hear me
do you hear me?

if i just breathe
let it fill the space between
i'll know everything is alright
breathe,
every little piece of me
you'll see
everything is alright
everything is alright if i just breathe... breathe

i've been driving for an hour
just talking to the rain
---

if you have been faithful to stay by this blog, well i think i am going to be back.
and one thing everyone should learn, is to love yourself more than anyone else.

because you come first.
only stupid people like me who puts people above her.

so guard yourself.