morning momsie! & giselle!

(we almost went in to the room because we didnt have STDS then we realized, its STUDENTS.)

ho ho ho, happy momsie's day! i have no special plans because momsie isnt in singapore & not like anyone knows that she's a married woman & a mom of a 20 y/o. i know she would kill me if i had sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card that screams, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" to her office, she would ruin my life like how i have ruined hers but i know she loves me so much because she has already accepted me and i think it came a long way with alot of screamings, cryings, threats to suicide, and denial. i think my momsie emerged out better than i thought she would be, well she's the only hope i have left to deal with dad. back then, it was so hard communicating with momsie because she refused to accept me and she kept crying and begging why wouldnt i try to open up to her, and why would i just keep things to myself, and i felt so bad because it wasnt because i didnt want to, but because she wouldnt accept it and she would probably never understand what i was going through (no, not teenage angst) and sometimes, people just refuse to listen. often, i relied on my friends and myself alot to get through things and i think my mom felt left out in my life and i used to blame it on her for leaving me alone for all 13 years of my life and never really took care of me and she was never really there for me, and i never felt like i had a mother who would bring me to the swimming pool or even to the playground to horse around. it was really bad, struggling just to scrap through days like that.. it was as though you had a mother but who never really acts like your mother. BUT BUT BUT right now, everything's so cool, everyone wished that they had my MOM, how cool is that? we are like friends, we are like really close, i would sometimes skip to her room, and tell her which girl & which girl i went out with and how i thought about them, although mom roll her eyes very often, but she still listens and ask about them! just how exactly only a few days ago , she knows that something was wrong, and she came into my room in the middle of the night while i was sleeping, (she likes to call out when i am sleeping to check if i am sleeping) and immediately i burst into tears, i burst into so much tears she was so terrified and i was like, " i saw xxx and xxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx" and i cried so badly that she was furiously running through her mind to search for things to tell me, like " xxxxxxxx isnt worth it stop crying, i didnt know she was like this, ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"

pause.

i love my momsie because SHE IS THE COOLEST WOMAN ON EARTH, MARRIED OR NOT, FALLOPIAN TIED OR NOT, she is indeed the coolest woman on the earth,
check that sentence out,

" .. ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"

i really love my momsie very much and i am glad we came through for each other and i know i never felt this strongly towards my mother before and i know we are going to be okay. and i know she will never read this blog, i will freak out if she does, but i want the world to know that i love my mother and she is the other woman that who's always waiting for me at home.

sorry no pictures of my 37 y/o (she likes to think so, but she's like 43 only!) hot mom because there are enough men going after her & i dont need lesbians to go after MY MOM, i will kill any lesbians going after my mom! ( yucks, i cant even imagine my mom going lesbo, totally YEEKS!)
well, love you momsie! :)

(god, this is a total mother's day entry, which is the first in my 20 years.)

ok next. SO.. "giselle" & i, we had our 3rd date in school again!


we had tea! i know i know, i love tea! (sue, stop looking at me) it was really good, and i really really love talking to her, and it was never enough and she's rather funny in her own subtle way! she has this boundary, as though it is waiting for me to intrude but like the usual me, i dont know if i should move in or if i should just wait for her first move, i have no idea! shit, i am so good reading at people's signs but i couldnt read mine, and it sucks. i really want to know her so much more, and i think she wants to know more about me too! we sat together in our last lecture together, and it was comfortable and i realized i could focus better! and i totally told her,

" i think you should sit with me everyday because i focus better without having my conscience wanting to turn around & smile at you, wondering if you'd text me, thinking if you are okay. and right now you are sitting beside me, i feel so relieved."

ok corny but it works ok, although she didnt reply me (we were writing notes to each other in her notepad, just like next to each other - you cant talk in lecture halls) i know she smiled to it. i dont know, if i scored but at least i am truthful & sincere (monica says i have to be myself & be sweet & sincere!) it was a great 3 hours that made up the rest of the 4 days that i didnt see her at all, and my attendance at school is fantabulous! my classmates were so wowed at my determination to stay even if all of them left school earlier, i hate to say this but it was for "giselle" and a little of school and i really focused!


ok ju, slow down, move back a little. i dont know what's going to hurt me again, and i dont want to risk anything.

i had a little oracle card reading yesterday night with a couple of chong's friends. so i did ask questions, and it was pretty accurate & it was quite uh freaky.

1) will an ex-girlfriend come back to me?
might/or not because you two are not communicating or miscommunicating right now, and both of you need to talk and LISTEN to each other and whatever it might lead, it might be a friendship or more, we dont know, but the cards can only tell for the present, not the future, so try to talk & listen first, take the cards later again.

(i'd want to, but she doesnt want to)

2) has someone appeared in my life that i can settle down with?
yes, he/she has appeared, the signs are not obvious yet and obviously you have yet to let go of something thats holding you back, and maybe it will soon be obvious.

(see freakish?)

3) why did almost all of my relationships fail?
basically you are someone who's very romantic & fun loving but you are hot tempered and your jealousy tends to control your partner and it drives your partner crazy to exasperation but other than that, you are a good lover.

(okay totally true except for being hot tempered?! am i? i think i am rather spiteful & revengeful thats all.... )

i have more questions but these are more relevant to my subject chats today. i think it is super freaky to see how almost accurate it is and i actually know my problem is, and i am going to work it out within myself, and i am going to make the next relationship that i am going to ever have, the longest & the best. i know, i am tired of running around, trying to fall in love, trying to keep the balance, trying to be sane.

all i just want to have, is to be in love, and insanely in love with my partner and all i want to do is to go home to someone at the end of the day, someone that i could talk with, someone that i could make dinner for, someone who just loves me to lie in her arms, someone who would love me almost forever and takes care of me like her baby, someone who would slow dance with me almost every evening (we can have alternate days choosing music). and someone, who wouldnt love someone else.

to always have the fact that your partner might be in love with someone else, kills me & my complete mood and inspiration to have a relationship. this isnt about trust, or faith, but if you truly love someone, you wouldnt even give signs & hints or any slight evidence of the fact that you are straying and there is infact someone else, and your heart is completely mine.
i like seclusions, and i know i am going into seclusion & retreating from this scene, if i am going to be in relationship & of course i am never going to be stupid enough to be in a relationship with someone who obviously loves the scene.

i dont know. i'd just have a dog & a cat 2 room hdb with chong.

on very lighter note, sue gave me spencer! it is super adorable! thanks sue! you're such a sweetheart! :)


some pictures of the week!








and some people that i have been missing very badly.. (that should take a hint)







aiya, i cannot find the rest of your pictures without me looking decent in it and i promise to search for them more! chong, dont be a bitch and say that i dont miss you or anything, because i am meeting you almost everyday god hahahahhaha love!

and i really miss my long hair. i am sorry for this long entry, and i promise i would stop thinking so much about good stuffs that might happen to me, because i dont know if i deserve it. i think it is just another trap another attempt to ambush me and put me back into the cycle that i have always been. i am never going to let it happen to me ever again.

dont look back.