horsin' around.

if no one knew, yes i have taken my handful locks away but people are still complaining, so hard to please leh all of you! anyhow, sorry for the lack of updates! been catching up with mediacorp shows (lol, huang jin lu!), procreating in my sims, watching ally mcbeal and of course, projects! i think i am evolving again, i am not sure this time but of course i am quite contented with life right now. with plans to guam and vietnam in respectively february and march! (of course exams in between, grr!) no, i have never celebrated chinese new year in Singapore! i have a weird family but i love my extended family which means smelly fish (chloe - in chinese, chou yu) and yuhuizai especially popo (chinese for grandmother!) please reserve the biggest ang pow for me omg, i get to receive ang pows from xw too! ok all my cousins who are reading, please get married soon!

life is good oh i have a new tag line for year 2008.

it used to be, "single, available, ready to mingle!"

now, it is, "cant lose freedom, dont do obligations."

people you need theme song in your life! it brings your shoulders moving to the beat of it and it should be a rather cheery and uplifting song! it will bring you out of whatever depression or darkness you are facing anytime.

omg its 2am and i seriously need to sleep!

Life life life.

I am so sorry for that long unannounced hiatus. Been really busy these few weeks with endless projects (with really loser teammates) and whatever assessments i had! This whole new year 3 is rather fulfilling and busy and I really like it a lot despite my frequent rants but its great!

Yeah 1724's out, I am not sure how many caught it but it is great! I think we have a shot at winning first prize which is 10k. Ok I sound too confident but even if we dont win, its fine because I think we did a great job for the pre-publicity and the bed scene-stomps prints peripheral! I have always wanted to participate/be involved in AIDS campaign! Totally self-actualizing already.






For the rest of the photos, please visit stompAIDSnyp!

Right after 1724, I had a whole weekend getaway to Malacca with my friends to just release whatever I need to. Everything was breathing down my neck and seriously, I needed that getaway although it was short but it was really relaxing. Nothing fanciful but.











This year .. is about to end so quickly. Unknowingly its December and 2008 is coming, and so many things happened in 2007 which held close to my heart for the heart aches, lessons and also small bits of happiness here and there! Consensus to short lived happiness?

Maybe I should spend sometime recollecting my thoughts for 2007. Give me sometime, because i think I have turned into hokkienvulgarityclubpresident07@hotmail.com and hokkienvulgarityclubvicepresident07@hotmail.com ahahahahaha.

So Christmas's around the corner and I have no idea how to spend it and I dont think I want to spend it in Sg, no choice but to i think but luckily momsie gets to go Philippines and chill for Xmas! I have been really good but recently I have been pulled back but rest assured I am alright.

So chill out and await for a long time no emo post! I am just so fidgety right now! and really exclamationy! !!!!!!!!

shut up ju.

Destress trick 1.

We need a break. I really need one.

Priorities

Obviously I cannot get my priorities right.

This is a very very crucial point of time for me because i have less than 30 hours to mug for my bio practical on friday, consisting of GIT/Nutrition/Nerve&Muscles/CNS etc. (actually i don't know whats more for me to study because looking at the contents scares me very badly) Less than 30 hours and what am i doing? Editing blog skins & now blogging about my not-very-prioritized priorities.

honestly i am taking myself for granted because i kinda scrapped through my life all the time and i hate being mediocre but sometime i just cant pumped myself up to it & i lack of motivation quite often albeit brimming with enthusiasm all the time but i guess id just die down & i would start to surf the bloody net & read random journals or like read xiaxue's archives 100 times all over again.

and to add on to my misery, infact i have less than 20 hours to study for research method papers on thursday. i AM so fantabulous, if there should be any award for the laziest lesbian in the world, i think i am going to win it.

really i need to snap out of this lazy daisy mood and i need to snap snap snap naps pans span. i find myself drifting so far away the moment i sit down & attempt to do something e.g. listening to lectures. i know in next 15 minutes i am as good as gone unless you are super interesting & witty i think you are losing me anyway. shit, its 1230am and i am still at page 2. (page 1 is content page)

come on come on come on juju! i am sure you can do better than this!
okay i think i am going to draw a headband that says "加油!"

see how i could never get my wrongdoings right despite knowing my stupid problems i am so annoyed at myself and i am going to just .. sleep.

morning momsie! & giselle!

(we almost went in to the room because we didnt have STDS then we realized, its STUDENTS.)

ho ho ho, happy momsie's day! i have no special plans because momsie isnt in singapore & not like anyone knows that she's a married woman & a mom of a 20 y/o. i know she would kill me if i had sent her a bouquet of flowers with a card that screams, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!" to her office, she would ruin my life like how i have ruined hers but i know she loves me so much because she has already accepted me and i think it came a long way with alot of screamings, cryings, threats to suicide, and denial. i think my momsie emerged out better than i thought she would be, well she's the only hope i have left to deal with dad. back then, it was so hard communicating with momsie because she refused to accept me and she kept crying and begging why wouldnt i try to open up to her, and why would i just keep things to myself, and i felt so bad because it wasnt because i didnt want to, but because she wouldnt accept it and she would probably never understand what i was going through (no, not teenage angst) and sometimes, people just refuse to listen. often, i relied on my friends and myself alot to get through things and i think my mom felt left out in my life and i used to blame it on her for leaving me alone for all 13 years of my life and never really took care of me and she was never really there for me, and i never felt like i had a mother who would bring me to the swimming pool or even to the playground to horse around. it was really bad, struggling just to scrap through days like that.. it was as though you had a mother but who never really acts like your mother. BUT BUT BUT right now, everything's so cool, everyone wished that they had my MOM, how cool is that? we are like friends, we are like really close, i would sometimes skip to her room, and tell her which girl & which girl i went out with and how i thought about them, although mom roll her eyes very often, but she still listens and ask about them! just how exactly only a few days ago , she knows that something was wrong, and she came into my room in the middle of the night while i was sleeping, (she likes to call out when i am sleeping to check if i am sleeping) and immediately i burst into tears, i burst into so much tears she was so terrified and i was like, " i saw xxx and xxx xxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxx" and i cried so badly that she was furiously running through her mind to search for things to tell me, like " xxxxxxxx isnt worth it stop crying, i didnt know she was like this, ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"

pause.

i love my momsie because SHE IS THE COOLEST WOMAN ON EARTH, MARRIED OR NOT, FALLOPIAN TIED OR NOT, she is indeed the coolest woman on the earth,
check that sentence out,

" .. ok dont cry already, there are other girls out there ok, better girls out there!"

i really love my momsie very much and i am glad we came through for each other and i know i never felt this strongly towards my mother before and i know we are going to be okay. and i know she will never read this blog, i will freak out if she does, but i want the world to know that i love my mother and she is the other woman that who's always waiting for me at home.

sorry no pictures of my 37 y/o (she likes to think so, but she's like 43 only!) hot mom because there are enough men going after her & i dont need lesbians to go after MY MOM, i will kill any lesbians going after my mom! ( yucks, i cant even imagine my mom going lesbo, totally YEEKS!)
well, love you momsie! :)

(god, this is a total mother's day entry, which is the first in my 20 years.)

ok next. SO.. "giselle" & i, we had our 3rd date in school again!


we had tea! i know i know, i love tea! (sue, stop looking at me) it was really good, and i really really love talking to her, and it was never enough and she's rather funny in her own subtle way! she has this boundary, as though it is waiting for me to intrude but like the usual me, i dont know if i should move in or if i should just wait for her first move, i have no idea! shit, i am so good reading at people's signs but i couldnt read mine, and it sucks. i really want to know her so much more, and i think she wants to know more about me too! we sat together in our last lecture together, and it was comfortable and i realized i could focus better! and i totally told her,

" i think you should sit with me everyday because i focus better without having my conscience wanting to turn around & smile at you, wondering if you'd text me, thinking if you are okay. and right now you are sitting beside me, i feel so relieved."

ok corny but it works ok, although she didnt reply me (we were writing notes to each other in her notepad, just like next to each other - you cant talk in lecture halls) i know she smiled to it. i dont know, if i scored but at least i am truthful & sincere (monica says i have to be myself & be sweet & sincere!) it was a great 3 hours that made up the rest of the 4 days that i didnt see her at all, and my attendance at school is fantabulous! my classmates were so wowed at my determination to stay even if all of them left school earlier, i hate to say this but it was for "giselle" and a little of school and i really focused!


ok ju, slow down, move back a little. i dont know what's going to hurt me again, and i dont want to risk anything.

i had a little oracle card reading yesterday night with a couple of chong's friends. so i did ask questions, and it was pretty accurate & it was quite uh freaky.

1) will an ex-girlfriend come back to me?
might/or not because you two are not communicating or miscommunicating right now, and both of you need to talk and LISTEN to each other and whatever it might lead, it might be a friendship or more, we dont know, but the cards can only tell for the present, not the future, so try to talk & listen first, take the cards later again.

(i'd want to, but she doesnt want to)

2) has someone appeared in my life that i can settle down with?
yes, he/she has appeared, the signs are not obvious yet and obviously you have yet to let go of something thats holding you back, and maybe it will soon be obvious.

(see freakish?)

3) why did almost all of my relationships fail?
basically you are someone who's very romantic & fun loving but you are hot tempered and your jealousy tends to control your partner and it drives your partner crazy to exasperation but other than that, you are a good lover.

(okay totally true except for being hot tempered?! am i? i think i am rather spiteful & revengeful thats all.... )

i have more questions but these are more relevant to my subject chats today. i think it is super freaky to see how almost accurate it is and i actually know my problem is, and i am going to work it out within myself, and i am going to make the next relationship that i am going to ever have, the longest & the best. i know, i am tired of running around, trying to fall in love, trying to keep the balance, trying to be sane.

all i just want to have, is to be in love, and insanely in love with my partner and all i want to do is to go home to someone at the end of the day, someone that i could talk with, someone that i could make dinner for, someone who just loves me to lie in her arms, someone who would love me almost forever and takes care of me like her baby, someone who would slow dance with me almost every evening (we can have alternate days choosing music). and someone, who wouldnt love someone else.

to always have the fact that your partner might be in love with someone else, kills me & my complete mood and inspiration to have a relationship. this isnt about trust, or faith, but if you truly love someone, you wouldnt even give signs & hints or any slight evidence of the fact that you are straying and there is infact someone else, and your heart is completely mine.
i like seclusions, and i know i am going into seclusion & retreating from this scene, if i am going to be in relationship & of course i am never going to be stupid enough to be in a relationship with someone who obviously loves the scene.

i dont know. i'd just have a dog & a cat 2 room hdb with chong.

on very lighter note, sue gave me spencer! it is super adorable! thanks sue! you're such a sweetheart! :)


some pictures of the week!








and some people that i have been missing very badly.. (that should take a hint)







aiya, i cannot find the rest of your pictures without me looking decent in it and i promise to search for them more! chong, dont be a bitch and say that i dont miss you or anything, because i am meeting you almost everyday god hahahahhaha love!

and i really miss my long hair. i am sorry for this long entry, and i promise i would stop thinking so much about good stuffs that might happen to me, because i dont know if i deserve it. i think it is just another trap another attempt to ambush me and put me back into the cycle that i have always been. i am never going to let it happen to me ever again.

dont look back.

well, i'd try.

... i couldnt find the words that i want to speak and maybe i am hardly allowed to speak because there are people are who are scrutinizing me then again, in fact i dont give a fuck about it, if they have to read about it, then let it be. i mean it'd be good if they'd start from CARING & LOVING for that one person that they are trying to read about than starting on me and maybe they will start to be better parents.. people. and oh, people do do away with biasness for boys.

ok i have so much to say ok, i had a second date with "giselle"on monday. ( the one in white duh!)


sigh she really has the most amazing eyes ever and i'd just want to look into them forever! it was a great date i think i'd just leave the details to myself before anyone spasms (looks at cheryl) but i am sure alot of people would want to hear this little juicy gossip.
"giselle".. i'd put it in this way, she kinda rejected me because she has someone in mind and she was so frank and truthful in her words, and i really thank her for that. at least she's truthful and she sticks to what she wants, she's so much more than anyone could ever want.

i think i might just found her. the kind of girl that stays almost forever, the kind of girl that loves you and goes right back home to you at the end of the day, the kind of girl thinks that seclusion amongst lovers is okay, the kind of girl who wont even mind staying at home for the whole day catching dvds. she's so real, so real that her eyes tell you that life's so bitter. i think i have so much more to learn. she works & fends for herself, she has a house of her own, she has a car, she has 5 dogs & 3 cats, she has a job & she is studying. till this point, are you impressed already?
wait till you talk to her. no she's no rich beauty, she's a hard working cinderella! i feel ashamed already. ya like, who are you to even try to go after her! (and you'd definitely know what house you need to have to have so many animals in your house!)

(but i think i am still going to stick around) she intrigued me so badly, i just want to bring her home to mama. i hate to say this, but i want her so badly! she is like a rare specimen that i want to own. then again, i am not ready for it, because firstly she's much older than i am and besides after dating carrie whos only 23 is not enough. (and "giselle" is much older than carrie) and i dont know what to do with older women and they intrigue me & intimidate me as well.

argh, i am going to end this subject, i am getting frustrated as i type in i realize i havent seen alot. it makes me younger than i feel that i am already.

so "a midsummer night's dream" was still on last sunday with carrie! it was a not-bad thing for me although i have yet to read the text but it was quite funny! i dont want to be an idiot and try to discuss things like how they play was interpreted. so we had a really long talk and i really love talking to carrie.

talk talk talk talk, i love talking gosh, and i was talking to jasmine & huilee about goals in our lives and how his brother is so impressive and to tell you the truth i was fucking impressed and i think i need to have a better life than what i have now. everything just fell into place talking to them because i just needed a push i guess..

they are true about how one should plan their life ahead and even doing family planning! how one couple should plan in the first head and work towards their goals for whatever they want. sigh i always had goals & objectives, but someone would come along and smash them and now i remain goal-less floating away like a driftwood.

but two thing still remains,
1) i am still going to be a nurse
2) at 30, backpacking in asia

i am going to look for a job & look forward now.

and i am about to be a child sponsor of a child in mexico or costa rica.

Good day!

i am sorry i just have to post a photo of me having really bad eye bags and looking so fat and ugly and just so unappropriate. but IAME is at the back of my head.

NO, NOT THE BLUE ONE, that is jasmine! (one of my spies) literally, at the back of my head.

:)

i whined (albeit horribly & too much) about IAME (once again, its Intriguing And Mesmerizing Eyes) for the last few days, it is a good whine. because you always end up waiting for good things to happen.

IAME and I had a tea date today! I know, i know, so much for "she's not interested in me anymore!" but i dont know if she is .. but it was a great tea date in school after punching myself so many times. I dont even know how to write this down because it was so wonderful i found myself drifting in classes dreaming of talking to her again and i really just want to talk to her again and look into her deep brown eyes and i am willingly to be lost in them. i found myself caring little more than anything towards her and it feels so darn good.

and i am going to see her tomorrow again and i know it is not going to stop here.. yet. you know what they say about never to expect and you'd never fall? and i think my problem is that i expect way too much all the time and i end up with nothing so maybe this time i'd just play that nonchalant annoymous and pray a little for something more and i'd be satisfied.

darn those eyes, kept lighting up.

dont talk about eyes anymore.

eunice says that i look good only when my nose & mouth isnt in sight. she is the best friend ever! (ya it is totally drown in sarcasm)

ANYWAY!

juju had her another first - NEW FLASH! juju went up to a girl and asked for her number! THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. Nope, she wasnt on beer/drugs/balls/galls and in perfect sane situation with a boost from her friends, she finally went up to this girl who she thinks have a pair of fucking mesmerizing eyes!

And this isnt the best part.

IAME (Intriguing and Mesmerizing Eyes) gave her number to ju!

i know i know i know, i am such a brave heart (insert roll eyes) and che was like MOVE MOVE TEXT HER NOW but i am an absolute shy creature

and we were just texting for awhile.
and she isnt interested in me because she stopped texting me.

i am not good at this i really am not good, maybe i am right i should stop trying because i am destined to be alone this lifetime and i have accepted it.

not as if i want anything.
(but its not so bad to hope right?)


feist is back with a new album! reviews say that she would be able to put me back into love. i'd like to see how though.

i think i am kinda motivated to go to school everyday because i get seduced quite easily with intriguing eyes.

terrible looking i know, but its first day of school! and i am glad i went back to school because i am totally joining adventure club (haha sarah you cant run away!) and volleyball. i know, i have training every day! my god i love how busy life can get for myself.

tough nurses but we sure know how to kick our uh shoes back and enjoy a drink with vicious gossips. who says nurses aint cool? you are not cool lor.

nurse rocks.

anyway figure my sexuality like now?
"i am a girl who's like a boy whos gay but totally lesbian."

(fuck lah i fucking hate the way i type now, i feel like a 17 year old, like "NURSE ROCKS" but pardon me for the lack of sentimental/forever lover entries)

ugh. ( now i sound like per)

( i miss my hair)