detest

T caught me smoking, sitting outside the train station and pointed to my cigarette, "Your dinner?". I nodded and took a long drag, waved good bye. Whenever I am upset for a period of time, I'd lose weight like mad because I dont eat my meals, rarely feeling hungry and have a total loss of appetite. It happened drastically once, I dropped whopping 12kg in within 3 months when I was so fucking fat I think I could nearly shadow a cow. Recently I just dropped about 3 kg that I have put on since..

Every now and then I still bear a little hope in me for everything, just a little hope. Well thats the first start to a positive perspective isnt it? I make attempts to correct my thoughts and I try to psycho my head into thinking this/that/whats not. That is really exhausting plus I have been resisting every single thing about her that comes to my mind and I thought I was going to have an epilepsy anytime. I fell into many long daze today, and I spaced out so often I dont really know where was I and I cant really helped if I dazed because in the first place when I spaced out, I spaced out. I dont even know that I spaced out until Xinyi rubbed my back and ruffled my hair. I drifted back to good old days, happy memories. It felt just like a old movie playing on my timeline. I felt like crap and how I would just scream silently in my head to tell myself to stop and its deafening..

I hate it when night comes, it is the hardest to go through and it hurts so badly i just want to crawl underneath my comforter, just shut my eyes so tightly and mutter a quick prayer, 'make it go away please.'. To think that we have spent so many nights together and if maybe I wasnt so stupid, we would be still.

I really gave it to my mom. She really annoyed me and she really couldnt see those pain and lies in my eyes. Every day without fail, she would ask those questions that would hit the spot and it really saddens me and I just refused to answer her and I tried to shoo her away but she swings by my room and asked me if i was sorry and upset.

I had it. I burst into tears.