Hatsumomo!

Roaming at Singapore River

I never thought that the most rational person on earth with such perfectionism could be defeated by love and provocation. My friend, she was seethed with such evil thoughts and was momentarily going berserk. I have never seen her like this in our 4th year of friendship and today she was breaking, yelling, cursing, and she breathes literally anger. Her mind was twisted, her heart was broken, her lungs yelling justice, her eyes shown provocation, her body lunging and her being.... shattered. I was shocked and in disbelief. It was so scary to a point that I didnt know how to deal with it. It was so scary she wants to hit, she wants to hit somebody and I did offered myself because it is better to hit me than to someone else that is unworth. I cant really say that I do understand what she was going through, but that injustice could never be justified, that struggling pain that wipes you down all the time, that inner frustration pushes you to the end, that hidden silence drives you to a corner, the constant questionings, the answers that never came, that brawling anger that makes tears boiling and you know that something needs to be done to let it out. I had all these feelings, it was depressing, it was disheartening, it was heart wrenching it was everything. I could never let her hit anyone else because what will be done could never be undone. By circumstances, it would be so hard to control your emotions and furthermore actions. Momentarily you can never control your emotions and be rationale but it doesnt mean you have to act on it. You can yell, you can hit some thing else, you can curse but your hands must never be encouraged to act on it.

I never really had friends to stop me for being depressingly crazy and my berserk moments are the ones that I could never handle it well and to say that I am spiteful, it would be true. But just once and I think I have regretted enough. Just a year ago, I was in the downhills when M left me and everything was in a whirlpool and I was sucked into this endless vortex that broke me so badly. I have to admit it everything I did back then was for myself, and only myself. I hurled abuses at M and her current gf, I insulted her, I threw accusations at her, I begged her, I cried endlessly for her, I spited her, I did everything to just get her attention back and also to hurt her for the way she has hurt me. I was stupid to throw things away in such awful manner. I never had anything else to vent except a computer and my broken mind to go on typing on my blog hurling and hurling. I was crazy I was out of my mind I was everything but sane and calm. It was the craziest moment for me to lose someone that I had envisioned my future with, with someone I have loved with all my heart and that I have given my soul to.

When she left, I felt robbed of everything I have owned. My emotions were forgivable but my actions arent. I never thought of how she would feel, how she might have been upset, how she might understand what I was going through. But there are certain things that shouldnt be mentioned because it was the reason why it caused so much pain and anger but still I am unforgivable. Apologies were made from both of us but it could never go deeper than the surface of it because it was too much of it to take. I actually thought if I was rational and calm enough, I would have have her back.. I have done so much to this point that we are not talking anymore and everything ended in an awful manner. And I wish it didnt because I really want to talk to her as badly because somehow I dont know, we grew together in transition of our lives and it was so much to be given away. Not that I still harbour of any thoughts, but I genuinely want her back as a friend even though I know at that point of time I could never give her my friendship because it was too much to let go of.

I know what I have done, and my avengeful spirit has done. This avengeful spirit has long gone.. I have recovered from that bad mariah heartbreak and I know my friend will recover from it as well because moments are just moments. I love you friend, you know who you are (i dont think you would read till this point but, i made my point anyway)! Breathe, and dont think about karma for now. Young hearts run free!

I have gotten a 4GB CF and CF card reader for under 100bucks!