Hatsumomo!

Roaming at Singapore River

I never thought that the most rational person on earth with such perfectionism could be defeated by love and provocation. My friend, she was seethed with such evil thoughts and was momentarily going berserk. I have never seen her like this in our 4th year of friendship and today she was breaking, yelling, cursing, and she breathes literally anger. Her mind was twisted, her heart was broken, her lungs yelling justice, her eyes shown provocation, her body lunging and her being.... shattered. I was shocked and in disbelief. It was so scary to a point that I didnt know how to deal with it. It was so scary she wants to hit, she wants to hit somebody and I did offered myself because it is better to hit me than to someone else that is unworth. I cant really say that I do understand what she was going through, but that injustice could never be justified, that struggling pain that wipes you down all the time, that inner frustration pushes you to the end, that hidden silence drives you to a corner, the constant questionings, the answers that never came, that brawling anger that makes tears boiling and you know that something needs to be done to let it out. I had all these feelings, it was depressing, it was disheartening, it was heart wrenching it was everything. I could never let her hit anyone else because what will be done could never be undone. By circumstances, it would be so hard to control your emotions and furthermore actions. Momentarily you can never control your emotions and be rationale but it doesnt mean you have to act on it. You can yell, you can hit some thing else, you can curse but your hands must never be encouraged to act on it.

I never really had friends to stop me for being depressingly crazy and my berserk moments are the ones that I could never handle it well and to say that I am spiteful, it would be true. But just once and I think I have regretted enough. Just a year ago, I was in the downhills when M left me and everything was in a whirlpool and I was sucked into this endless vortex that broke me so badly. I have to admit it everything I did back then was for myself, and only myself. I hurled abuses at M and her current gf, I insulted her, I threw accusations at her, I begged her, I cried endlessly for her, I spited her, I did everything to just get her attention back and also to hurt her for the way she has hurt me. I was stupid to throw things away in such awful manner. I never had anything else to vent except a computer and my broken mind to go on typing on my blog hurling and hurling. I was crazy I was out of my mind I was everything but sane and calm. It was the craziest moment for me to lose someone that I had envisioned my future with, with someone I have loved with all my heart and that I have given my soul to.

When she left, I felt robbed of everything I have owned. My emotions were forgivable but my actions arent. I never thought of how she would feel, how she might have been upset, how she might understand what I was going through. But there are certain things that shouldnt be mentioned because it was the reason why it caused so much pain and anger but still I am unforgivable. Apologies were made from both of us but it could never go deeper than the surface of it because it was too much of it to take. I actually thought if I was rational and calm enough, I would have have her back.. I have done so much to this point that we are not talking anymore and everything ended in an awful manner. And I wish it didnt because I really want to talk to her as badly because somehow I dont know, we grew together in transition of our lives and it was so much to be given away. Not that I still harbour of any thoughts, but I genuinely want her back as a friend even though I know at that point of time I could never give her my friendship because it was too much to let go of.

I know what I have done, and my avengeful spirit has done. This avengeful spirit has long gone.. I have recovered from that bad mariah heartbreak and I know my friend will recover from it as well because moments are just moments. I love you friend, you know who you are (i dont think you would read till this point but, i made my point anyway)! Breathe, and dont think about karma for now. Young hearts run free!

I have gotten a 4GB CF and CF card reader for under 100bucks!

Pouts

Saw this again.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

my dear friend, onxy shouting mate, school song singing partner, tohtuck connection, julian, is leaving mi. ( upset ) which means sports day will not be so fun anymore, no one else to sing school song with. ( pouts )

so this, to dedicate to julian xie xiuyi ( i mean yishua, wait no, yixiu )

for all those times you stood by me ( when i'm ronely in tohtuck canteen )
for all the truth that you made me see ( the cracks on the stairways of tohtuck blocks )
for all the joy you brought to my life ( double chin twist ! )
for every wrong that you made right ( sure, watching naughty video when we skip school )
for every dream you made come true ( you always appear in my dreams, but only guest appearance )
for all the love i found in you ( the love for you-know-what )
i'll be forever thankful babe ( babe, as in that pig babe )
you're the one that held me up ( remember when i was crying VERY badly months ago )
never let me fall ( you only touched my breasts )
you're the one who saw me through, through it all ( okay la, this one quite true )

you were my strength when i was weak ( you brought free food for me so i wouldnt starve )
you were my voice when i couldnt speak ( msn audio conversation when i still dont have the mircophone )
you were my eyes when i couldnt see ( tohtuck tour guide )
you saw the best there was in me ( future ceo of the biggest investment company in singapore )
lifted me up when i couldnt reach ( to change a lightbulb if i had no ladder )
you gave me faith cause you believed ( 'sometimes believing is all we need' )
i'm everything i am beause you loved me ( not really, really )

you gave me wing and made me fly ( with free pina colada )
you touched my hand, i could touch the sky ( i can touch the sky, but you did not touch me )
i lost my faith, you gave it back to me ( when i'm so faithless )
you said no star was out of reach ( when i'm so faithless )
you stood by me and i stood tall ( thats you, and thats my hair - tall )
i had your love, i had it all ( must fight with maine )
i'm grateful for each day you gave me ( you are going to be a nurse but you are not god )
maybe i dont know that much ( about sex )
but i know this much is true ( sex guru )
i was blessed because i was loved by you ( dont let maine read this )

you were always there for me ( bejeweled ! )
the tender wind that carried me ( the only tender thing is your big ass )
a light in the dark shinning your love into my life ( your colourful braces while clubbing in a very dark environment )
you've been my inspiration ( now no more, no more year 3 in new campus )
through the lies you were the truth ( brace yourself for the next bracket )
my world is a better place because of you ( 'because of youuuuu' )

WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME.

( sorry jp and nic, next time then i type a very sentimental entry for you guys, if you guys ever like join nursing or something )

it was really funny and sad at the same time but she dont write things like this anymore, maybe i should try to leave again like somewhere then maybe she will have the inspiration to write again. except i dont think she would be able find any name to fit into Maine's. my best friend has been taken away from me by stupid csi, dumb xfiles, or worse annoying mmorphg (whatever!) game, seriously not forgetting her stupid beauty sleep which doesnt make her any more beautiful than she is to me ( okay dont hair stand but) and she is really funny and i love her.

ok bye.

buses and trains

i thought i was going to die of hiv/hepatitis or whatever blood borne transmitting diseases because i took myself for granted thinking that blood wouldnt spilled at all while removing the drip and i didnt even have blue sheet or gauzes with me, only the stoppers for both plug and drip. how naive and complacent, blood spilled all over my hands and i was really stunned because i saw fresh blood staining my hands and i felt my stupidity all over again. after settling all the trauma, i quickly washed my hands more than 5 times with so much antibacterial soap that my hands are coarse. i was so scared that the patient might have some hiv/hepatitis virus and i quickly flipped the notes and realized she is just a patient waiting for abortion. not to be skeptical, but my senior had blood on her hands and few days later the blood on her was a hiv positive and she had it because of some micro cuts that you could never see but luckily there was a vaccine i think. i was really scared that i stuffed like 3 pairs of gloves in my pocket and i think it has severely reminded me well.

not as if cruelty of life hasnt remind me of anything, i am not a girl not yet a woman who has an undergoing education, who has no driving license and not to mention wont have a car (failed basic theory twice, shut up already), who has no money (okay maybe a little), who has a very ambigious future, who has dreams of being a nomad and a wandering spirit, a-girl-not-yet-a-woman who perpetually sticks her ipod into her ears even when she is with her friends and i dont know, very eccentric. and i do understand why girls would never look into my way because i cannot provide security, luxury or security or security or i just cannot provide anything and i am too tiring to be with, just like you try catching wind and before you 吃风(jiat hong, eat air), you 放屁了(fart already).

but i really like walking so much because that is one thing i am damn good at after running (i hate running) i am really good at brisk walking, because i have been trained to lead big groups in brisk walking like really quick thats why my friends hate it when i walk endlessly like bringing them through chinatowns, or i would want to walk from cineleisure to hard rock cafe and walking is really therapeutic and it is free better than your car (with erps, parking seasons, car insurance, petrol, cash card, car installments?! i dont know, is there more?) seriously i rather spend it on 花车 (hearse) kidding, i rather spent it on a cab i get to be the boss ..

1) uncle, aircon 开大大 (turn up the aircon)
2) uncle, 我要听987fm (listen to 987fm)
3) uncle, 不要讲话，我要听railio (dont talk, i want to listen to radio)
4) uncle....

i can pay the cab drivers and i often tip them with the changes and i picked jill up from home to a party with a limo, i mean how cool is that? cabs are like cheapo but they are a good deal and i am not saying i would splurge on cabs because i still prefer buses and trains and cabs are of last resorts when i am late or i am feeling so lazy but it would always be because i am lazy hence i am late :) anyhow my analogy is of a cab to a car, not monetary challenge more like a par on. but i know having a car is an important gauge for luxury and authority and it is a confirmed shoo-in for girls and this part i lose already but it doesnt mean i dont like car rides from friends ok. (love you all) 我爱我的朋友们!

i have always asked my friends if they would date themselves and most of them would go like, nooooo i am disgusting .. but i would always be confident enough to say yes i would date myself because i know i would want to date myself and i dont want to list out a bunch of vocabularies to describe myself and i might just start a flaming session on my tagboard hee 你知我知就好了!( you know i know can already) actually if only there is someone out there who behaves, think or act like i do who is completely dramatic and just hopelessly annoying but annoying in a cute way :)

i have to admit, appearance do come first but hand in hand with a certain factor that draws me to them i cannot explain this factor because it really goes with a gut, i like anything that is beautiful (to me at least, who cares about your opinion!) but if you are just a face without anything else like especially wit, sorry, audition's over. i know i sound a little conceited and i know i am not that peculiarly cute (but still cute i think) and i know i have more so much more inside and my friends are always,

handsome and beautiful people never had personalities but God is fair, God gave you personality man!!!!!

so annoying, really. 不用绕一圈来shoot我嘛! (no need to beat around the bush)

anyway i am a gemini rabbit.

Back to service.

Back to internship again in an all-male ward which was the same ward that my late grandpop rested, and it felt like I was there all over again holding his hand after he took his last breath. I couldnt help but to stare at bed 5 every single time I walked past and there lay an uncle and I was hesitating if I should just go up to him and sigh heavily, "You know my grandfather died on this bed?" *cue glistening tears and run away dramatically with sobbings. I know, I am such a bad kid but I didnt do it! Can you imagine the amount of paperwork I have to do if he asked for a transfer of bed..

So first day of work and we need to be orientated by our preceptor(s) for 789324732487423th times and I even know where they kept the disposable shavers (I have my eyes on them for quite sometime). I thought I would never see today but I was quite surprised at the identity of my preceptor! She is a senior clinical instructor (CI) and I knew her back then 5 years ago! SQ was still a quite fresh graduate staff nurse back then. I was 15 - young, innocent, sweet, lesbian of course and quite ugly but adorable and I had a crush on SQ. I was still just a St John's girl and interning at the same hospital as well and like a puppy I followed her and she taught me alot and I was crazily infatuated with her! I used to dream about us being together.. okay you know the gist of it. So my internship back then had to end and she gave me her namecard and till date I still have it!

So I saw her today I couldnt recognized her because 1) I grew alot more taller. 2) She stopped wearing spectacles 3) She looked so much better now 4)I didnt think of SQ in the first place. So some colleague just went, "Hey S!" I turned my head immediately and it just dawned on me that.. she is SQ... I spent 25minutes staring at her and whispering to my friends, "Omg I cant believe it." Then I shifted to this stunningly beautiful doctor at SQ's background. And I spent another 20 minutes gorging my eyes out at the doctor and whispering to my frends, "OMG SO GORGEOUS." In that 45 minutes, SQ was doing the orientation and my heart was everywhere else in the ward except listening to the orientation.

(Funny I should be talking about work but I cant stop being a lesbian and talk about women. )

Ok so I am assigned to my team and I am stucked with like two Chinese nationals... which is horrible because I had to explain to them what was NSTEMI (Non-ST-Segment Elevation Myocardial Infarction) in Chinese. And I have 3 more weeks to go.. So I have a couple of interesting patients.

(P- Patient, Ju - Me, N - Nurse on duty)

Patient 1 (Schizophrenic)

Scenario 1

P: I live in IMH (Institute of Mental Health), I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH (continues chanting for another 5 minutes)

Ju: Ho lah wa zai lah. (Yes I know)

P: Hmmmm

P: I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH (continues chanting)

N: *Stares. I know okay, now keep quiet.

P: Hmm..

Ju & N continues serving medication.

P: I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH....

Scenario 2

Ju: Okay okay bathe ok.

P: Okay okay.

P takes off clothes and Ju encountered the penis of the day with Junior by the side watching.

Ju: Okay hot water ok.

P: Okay okay.

Showers him and passes him the 2-in-one shower/shampoo gel and directed him to wash his ..

Ju: Okay wash off ok?

P: Okay okay.

P fervently rubbed his hair and body with water splashing all over me.

I came out so wet that my shoes squeaked! www.wetalready.com (I think I am going to register this domain)

He is one funny chap and I think I am going to talk to him more tomorrow and hopefully he doesnt chant his favourites again. Saw an old patient of mine and he recognized me and started chatting about his legs again.... My friend and I had this pact that if we see our old patients more than 3 times we have to marry them. In fact I saw one of my old patients, Johnny twice for the last few internships and both of us were getting scared. His name isnt really Johnny but he looks really Johnny to me so hehehehehe... Another patient admitted for RTA (Road Traffice Accident), only 19 and total 2nd encounter of penis when they had to cut up his underwear. Seriously I get freaked out alot, but sometimes I would be curious as well since.....

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So SQ & I had a chat and she remembered me. She remembered my name and she was thinking if it was me when she saw my name on the list. Its either I freaked her out back then or she has like lesbian tendencies as well... Oh well I have 3 weeks to confirm all my doubts. Trust me I am good at picking signs but hahaha not good at trusting my own signs! (But she looks at me when she's talking to a group of us all the time!)

Well, I am into surprises nowadays and I hope something happens within these 3 weeks.
So last weekend I have been into KTV-ing into the wee morning and mahjong-ing! It has been quite sometime since I have last touched those tiles.






I love mahjong! Dakota should try to learn how to play mahjong.

You know, (close friends do know) that in nature I am not forgiving at all but I am good at pretending/feigning ignorance/forgetting. If I couldnt forgive myself, what say you? You know after seeing through the people that you once loved, and you could never understand how and why they could do things to hurt you and claiming that they love you. Then strangely, their traits developed in you and you slowly get the clearer picture of the reasons why they did all these.

And the cycle never ends..