Wrench, please.

This late morning was met with despair. I drew the curtains a little to see if there is a procedure going on but I saw a mother hugging her 21 year old daughter so tightly and both of them sobbing in such devastation that they never realized I saw them. I bit my lips so hard because that scene was so heart wrenching and so wrenching, it was really heartbreaking.. News broke to them that her daughter has confirmed of carcinoma of the ovaries. Only 21, with a life so long infront of her, knowing that she could never have children in this lifetime and having risk of carcinoma spreading to the rest of the parts of the body. I could see the devastation in that red beady eyes of her mommy, sobbing tremendously while her daughter is in the showers. I think this would mark the first time of such feelings in the hospital because I never had such overwhelming feelings before. Maybe I could relate the despair as a woman and as a woman of such age. I dont know why but carcinoma are really somehow common nowadays but... it was just that scene that broke my heart and the fact that she is only a year older than me. It really dawned on me that life is really short and full of surprises. Maybe life is just another transient happiness that we can never get a good grasp of it and it might just slip by us before we know it.

I know one day this blog will include of all my testimonials, wills, caretaking and arrangements. I dont know what I can expect from this lifetime but I will make it and take it anyway. We cant run away from what has destined from us, some might be destined but some might be in our own control. I guess it takes time to learn what is in our control and what is not.

In fact I will not control having fun!



My tickets to the land of the rising sun, Japan are confirmed. I am taking JAL which rumours has it that the air stewardesses are the hottest, and I was fantasizing bringing home a japanese girlfriend! Like long black silky hair, with bangs, porcelain face with big eyes and seductive smile, body like Angelina Jolie, legs like Karen Mok..

... Ok i am snapped out.

buses and trains

i thought i was going to die of hiv/hepatitis or whatever blood borne transmitting diseases because i took myself for granted thinking that blood wouldnt spilled at all while removing the drip and i didnt even have blue sheet or gauzes with me, only the stoppers for both plug and drip. how naive and complacent, blood spilled all over my hands and i was really stunned because i saw fresh blood staining my hands and i felt my stupidity all over again. after settling all the trauma, i quickly washed my hands more than 5 times with so much antibacterial soap that my hands are coarse. i was so scared that the patient might have some hiv/hepatitis virus and i quickly flipped the notes and realized she is just a patient waiting for abortion. not to be skeptical, but my senior had blood on her hands and few days later the blood on her was a hiv positive and she had it because of some micro cuts that you could never see but luckily there was a vaccine i think. i was really scared that i stuffed like 3 pairs of gloves in my pocket and i think it has severely reminded me well.

not as if cruelty of life hasnt remind me of anything, i am not a girl not yet a woman who has an undergoing education, who has no driving license and not to mention wont have a car (failed basic theory twice, shut up already), who has no money (okay maybe a little), who has a very ambigious future, who has dreams of being a nomad and a wandering spirit, a-girl-not-yet-a-woman who perpetually sticks her ipod into her ears even when she is with her friends and i dont know, very eccentric. and i do understand why girls would never look into my way because i cannot provide security, luxury or security or security or i just cannot provide anything and i am too tiring to be with, just like you try catching wind and before you 吃风(jiat hong, eat air), you 放屁了(fart already).

but i really like walking so much because that is one thing i am damn good at after running (i hate running) i am really good at brisk walking, because i have been trained to lead big groups in brisk walking like really quick thats why my friends hate it when i walk endlessly like bringing them through chinatowns, or i would want to walk from cineleisure to hard rock cafe and walking is really therapeutic and it is free better than your car (with erps, parking seasons, car insurance, petrol, cash card, car installments?! i dont know, is there more?) seriously i rather spend it on 花车 (hearse) kidding, i rather spent it on a cab i get to be the boss ..

1) uncle, aircon 开大大 (turn up the aircon)
2) uncle, 我要听987fm (listen to 987fm)
3) uncle, 不要讲话，我要听railio (dont talk, i want to listen to radio)
4) uncle....

i can pay the cab drivers and i often tip them with the changes and i picked jill up from home to a party with a limo, i mean how cool is that? cabs are like cheapo but they are a good deal and i am not saying i would splurge on cabs because i still prefer buses and trains and cabs are of last resorts when i am late or i am feeling so lazy but it would always be because i am lazy hence i am late :) anyhow my analogy is of a cab to a car, not monetary challenge more like a par on. but i know having a car is an important gauge for luxury and authority and it is a confirmed shoo-in for girls and this part i lose already but it doesnt mean i dont like car rides from friends ok. (love you all) 我爱我的朋友们!

i have always asked my friends if they would date themselves and most of them would go like, nooooo i am disgusting .. but i would always be confident enough to say yes i would date myself because i know i would want to date myself and i dont want to list out a bunch of vocabularies to describe myself and i might just start a flaming session on my tagboard hee 你知我知就好了!( you know i know can already) actually if only there is someone out there who behaves, think or act like i do who is completely dramatic and just hopelessly annoying but annoying in a cute way :)

i have to admit, appearance do come first but hand in hand with a certain factor that draws me to them i cannot explain this factor because it really goes with a gut, i like anything that is beautiful (to me at least, who cares about your opinion!) but if you are just a face without anything else like especially wit, sorry, audition's over. i know i sound a little conceited and i know i am not that peculiarly cute (but still cute i think) and i know i have more so much more inside and my friends are always,

handsome and beautiful people never had personalities but God is fair, God gave you personality man!!!!!

so annoying, really. 不用绕一圈来shoot我嘛! (no need to beat around the bush)

anyway i am a gemini rabbit.

Nurses day

Happy nurses day! Although it isnt really a wonderful nurses' day for me but all in all, I wish all the nurses in the world the best in their work and service to our clients. I cannot begin to tell you how bad work was today, maybe not that bad but it really did pull me down by heaps. Well, nurses gone wild part 2 :

Nurses Gone Wild Part 2

Hogs Breath @ Vivo City

They made me tried on these wedges in Topshop. I prefer socks with holes though.

Julyn's birthday treat!

Since its Julyn's birthday and we felt pretty adventurous that night, all of us gave our virgins (except XY) in the name of Julyn.

Gmax - Reverse Bungee Jump

In the highest heaven!

Nurses working in Clinic

In Ministry of Sound

My senses are so numb. I have so much to think about right now. So stay happy on my behalf, till this day is over.

Pelangi = Rainbow

Just as slow as the weekend came, the weekend is about to quickly end. I figured working hardly gives me life to live, because all I do is to try to keep myself awake by staying at home in the afternoon (if I am working in the morning) and then I will do useless surfing.. anything but to take an afternoon nap because I know I wont be able to sleep in the night knowing my shift's in the morning the following day... and likewise for working in the afternoon, I would just bathe, do useless surfing for awhile and sleep! So loser right but I cant help it because I rather not lose sleep and fail to concentrate on work (having medication error!)

Met up with couple of friends and started on our logic conversations, discussions on how gay marriages should/should not be legalized (or just as yet) and surprisingly our dreams. We took turns trying to visualize each other's future (NC would be a big boss) and they thought I would be a nurse in South Africa sending postcards to my friends, exclaiming my big face with the tiger on the loose in background or taking pictures with scrawny HIV positive kids. They thought I would be alone because I would be travelling around without a partner unless.... well they couldnt think of anyone who would share the same exact vision as I have, and it is tiring to be with me. This is quite a despair! In fact I would be travelling (I hope because I refuse to work) and doing odd jobs unless I have decided to settle down in a country for a year and maybe I would nurse for a year and skip towns!

I am so ambitious. In fact I do see myself being alone but enjoying the best for myself. Afterall I am a Gemini! I have a partner wherever I go (ala Twins!) and talking about astrology, we had a very fierce fight about it on.. how cunning & scheming Geminis are, how flirtatious Geminis are, how Geminis are so not okay to settle down with but but Geminis are fun loving, interesting, witty & really cool to be with! I used to check Friendster's horoscope at sharp twelve midnight but it is getting boring and really inaccurate........ (Like, Gemini Today you will meet someone interesting and might spark off some romance... Then you would be like, nabei I didnt go out today!)

Finally I have visited The Pelangi Pride Centre Library and we met inspired Eileena Lee who founded RedQuEEn! Set up as platform for Queer women in Singapore with workshops, forums and support groups. I think it would be a good platform for PLU women to meet new group of friends and share exciting life stories (such as coming out), so I applied to be a volunteer at The Pelangi Pride Centre a month ago, gladly giving it back to the community! The Pelangi Pride Centre is on the 4th floor above Mox Bar & Cafe, Bianco actually. Crudely we put, it is full of lesbian books and in fact more gay books than lesbian books! It was really cool (ok albeit nerdy) and it was a good afternoon to spend at, preferably with earl grey, cigarettes and good company to go along with it...it would be perfecto! (yes you are a good company)

Which later on, carrie claimed that she was too old to walk and enjoy the scenic view of tanjong pagar. (and I was carrying her bag!) So we waltzed into town back, no kidding we took the mertz (mrt, i am trying to be old skool) and decided to be boring sitting down at our favourite coffee club. Met up with her friend(s)+++ (means alot) and discussed about our signs again! All Gemini flaws are endless and really good to pick on!

Caught The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros. I saw the review on the Newpaper and decided to catch it but obviously no one wants to catch it with me because by their standards it is an artsy-fartsy-boring-no-actions-no-babes-no-hunks-and-worse-its-a-gay-show. Surprisingly when I saw the title on the booking screen, Karen and I shouted OMG LETS WATCH THE BLOSSOMING OF MAXIMO OLIVEROS. -scurries to buy tickets ignoring the rest. It comforted me to know that I am not alone in this planet wanting to watch such shows.

It wasnt exactly 5 popcorns kinda show, the movie was kinda like a budget creation but with thought through angles. It really tickled us, but with flowing incessant warmth. Felt like I belonged there (so lame but yeah it really does). Really inspirational and touching. If a 12 year old could walk away from the man that he loves and cares for , why cant I? The scene of Maxi walking away from Vicktor standing at the curb .. wow it really gave it to me. That is strength.

How come no show like these portraying lesbians? (I havent watched Spider Lilies though) I should pick up directing instead.

*drum rolls*

MC: The best director goes to........Julianne Seah!
Me: YES YES! YES! YES! YES *jumping up and down in gown! throwing fists in the air*

and all the queer women raves after me...

okay quit dreaming, the only people will rave after are your patients....okay i am back to mahjong (online) i dont understand why they refused to throw out 3 wan!

SO ANNOYING.

Back to service.

Back to internship again in an all-male ward which was the same ward that my late grandpop rested, and it felt like I was there all over again holding his hand after he took his last breath. I couldnt help but to stare at bed 5 every single time I walked past and there lay an uncle and I was hesitating if I should just go up to him and sigh heavily, "You know my grandfather died on this bed?" *cue glistening tears and run away dramatically with sobbings. I know, I am such a bad kid but I didnt do it! Can you imagine the amount of paperwork I have to do if he asked for a transfer of bed..

So first day of work and we need to be orientated by our preceptor(s) for 789324732487423th times and I even know where they kept the disposable shavers (I have my eyes on them for quite sometime). I thought I would never see today but I was quite surprised at the identity of my preceptor! She is a senior clinical instructor (CI) and I knew her back then 5 years ago! SQ was still a quite fresh graduate staff nurse back then. I was 15 - young, innocent, sweet, lesbian of course and quite ugly but adorable and I had a crush on SQ. I was still just a St John's girl and interning at the same hospital as well and like a puppy I followed her and she taught me alot and I was crazily infatuated with her! I used to dream about us being together.. okay you know the gist of it. So my internship back then had to end and she gave me her namecard and till date I still have it!

So I saw her today I couldnt recognized her because 1) I grew alot more taller. 2) She stopped wearing spectacles 3) She looked so much better now 4)I didnt think of SQ in the first place. So some colleague just went, "Hey S!" I turned my head immediately and it just dawned on me that.. she is SQ... I spent 25minutes staring at her and whispering to my friends, "Omg I cant believe it." Then I shifted to this stunningly beautiful doctor at SQ's background. And I spent another 20 minutes gorging my eyes out at the doctor and whispering to my frends, "OMG SO GORGEOUS." In that 45 minutes, SQ was doing the orientation and my heart was everywhere else in the ward except listening to the orientation.

(Funny I should be talking about work but I cant stop being a lesbian and talk about women. )

Ok so I am assigned to my team and I am stucked with like two Chinese nationals... which is horrible because I had to explain to them what was NSTEMI (Non-ST-Segment Elevation Myocardial Infarction) in Chinese. And I have 3 more weeks to go.. So I have a couple of interesting patients.

(P- Patient, Ju - Me, N - Nurse on duty)

Patient 1 (Schizophrenic)

Scenario 1

P: I live in IMH (Institute of Mental Health), I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH (continues chanting for another 5 minutes)

Ju: Ho lah wa zai lah. (Yes I know)

P: Hmmmm

P: I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH (continues chanting)

N: *Stares. I know okay, now keep quiet.

P: Hmm..

Ju & N continues serving medication.

P: I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH, I live in IMH....

Scenario 2

Ju: Okay okay bathe ok.

P: Okay okay.

P takes off clothes and Ju encountered the penis of the day with Junior by the side watching.

Ju: Okay hot water ok.

P: Okay okay.

Showers him and passes him the 2-in-one shower/shampoo gel and directed him to wash his ..

Ju: Okay wash off ok?

P: Okay okay.

P fervently rubbed his hair and body with water splashing all over me.

I came out so wet that my shoes squeaked! www.wetalready.com (I think I am going to register this domain)

He is one funny chap and I think I am going to talk to him more tomorrow and hopefully he doesnt chant his favourites again. Saw an old patient of mine and he recognized me and started chatting about his legs again.... My friend and I had this pact that if we see our old patients more than 3 times we have to marry them. In fact I saw one of my old patients, Johnny twice for the last few internships and both of us were getting scared. His name isnt really Johnny but he looks really Johnny to me so hehehehehe... Another patient admitted for RTA (Road Traffice Accident), only 19 and total 2nd encounter of penis when they had to cut up his underwear. Seriously I get freaked out alot, but sometimes I would be curious as well since.....

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So SQ & I had a chat and she remembered me. She remembered my name and she was thinking if it was me when she saw my name on the list. Its either I freaked her out back then or she has like lesbian tendencies as well... Oh well I have 3 weeks to confirm all my doubts. Trust me I am good at picking signs but hahaha not good at trusting my own signs! (But she looks at me when she's talking to a group of us all the time!)

Well, I am into surprises nowadays and I hope something happens within these 3 weeks.
So last weekend I have been into KTV-ing into the wee morning and mahjong-ing! It has been quite sometime since I have last touched those tiles.






I love mahjong! Dakota should try to learn how to play mahjong.

You know, (close friends do know) that in nature I am not forgiving at all but I am good at pretending/feigning ignorance/forgetting. If I couldnt forgive myself, what say you? You know after seeing through the people that you once loved, and you could never understand how and why they could do things to hurt you and claiming that they love you. Then strangely, their traits developed in you and you slowly get the clearer picture of the reasons why they did all these.

And the cycle never ends..

Working at Changi tomorrow onwards, drop me a text if anyone wanna starbucks at Simei. Should be bringing you weird and horny male ward stories.