verve@zouk

the stage was hers,
she was mine.

the violins were playing our strings like a symphony.

wake me up

i stole a picture of you i hope you dont mind because that's all i have of you, a still you. it was a great picture because you were smiling, as if to me and its still. i hesitated if i should put you up on my ceiling and every morning you would be there smiling at me after being drowsy night after night, then i realized you might want the space of your own and i would still remain you in my juice magazine i dont want to distort any single part of you. there's very little truth in between the words we've spoken. your eyes, i loved looking into them they are like a vortex that sucks me into your soul and we speak. now, i found myself staring into the dark abyss that i know i am losing my way and there isnt anyway to reach out, its too cold. you couldnt even reach my eyes to greet me before you turned and walked away, you couldnt even hear me saying that i was the proudest person in the room before you turned and walked away and, you couldnt even take my hands to send you away with my best wishes.

maybe your eyes were full of pain but i wouldnt know if you couldnt even look at me. i thank you for your cold, heartless action because in that way i know, you still cared and maybe loved me a little. until you could look at me and speak to me like two normal people do, you are always going to be this cold and heartless.

i found myself caressing your cheeks and running my fingers across your lips, i know i could never have you ever again. and this picture, is all i am left with. i think i am so naive to think that you might just find your way to me again, but these 2months i know you are never going to try anymore because right now, you are losing me only and nothing more.

and i am just a nobody, that you could replace me with your ADD so easily that maybe i wont even exist in your world, or even at the back of your mind.

think of me when you are back in your bed, thick spectacles clad in garfield gown and after flossing your teeth about 10 times.

think of me when you are lonely inspite of your warming flow of friends because you know, i love you still.

you were scared, because i felt like home.

i just wrote a letter, a bitter and heartless letter. i dont know if i could do better because right now i am so drowsy i think i would have to fall asleep with abby. (if anyone remembered abby) you know, i am so bitter i think i am tasting my own heart in alkaline. but you wouldnt know how disappointment can do to you when your loved ones turn your back on you and just leave as quick as quicksand can bring you down and drown you with millions of grains. i am starting to anticipate tomorrow's coming because i am going to be stronger than i could be. i promise i will, but if i dont, please dont give up on me, because i am only human. even superman has the right to bleed or dream, why not me huh?

when it happens to you, you dont know what has hit you. rachael yamagata has hit the spot right now. she strums on spot.

great yo, emo is my middle name now.
take my pieces and you will find cracks again.

i to the r o n y.

i know, i kinda like hate my template and i think i would rather go with something super bland till someone offers their absolute talent to fix this faggotry blog but until then, this is what you are going to see! and i totally promise i am going to blog like how i used to, i mean with less emo entries or maybe not because i think when i am emo, i write better. if i party, i'd start to write like how fergie tried to spell tasty as t-a-s-t-e-y. i think i am losing in touch with the inner me, i am filtering as much of emotions as because i think i am starting to hate to feel. i try my best to fit in this pseudo tranquility that i've created and to think that i am in control. (this is the part when everyone sings omarion's 'ice-box' ooh i am so cold i am so cold - it is a total disgust) and once seen, that i should be able to dictate how my life should run.

no i am still friendly, loving, funny, caring and snotty but to talk of the affairs of the heart, i am ending the conversation, simply because i think i am a stupid fool like the one in the seven habits where this man who walked down the street with a manhole, and who fell into the manhole everyday when he walked down the street because this stupid man was not pro active and would just walked into the manhole everyday despite knowing the fact that he'd fall into it.

i, am not going to be that stupid man for i will not give in to l.o.v.e that easily without putting my charm, resistance, temptations, desires to a test. i think rachael yamagata could easily put me into that 'flight' mode anytime in the day to remind me that luRveE reAlli hUrTxXx.

i am starting to love life and i think my life should be run this way.
and i miss kimsie.

here i go again lor.

love jill like mad lor.

i think i am kinda motivated to go to school everyday because i get seduced quite easily with intriguing eyes.

terrible looking i know, but its first day of school! and i am glad i went back to school because i am totally joining adventure club (haha sarah you cant run away!) and volleyball. i know, i have training every day! my god i love how busy life can get for myself.

tough nurses but we sure know how to kick our uh shoes back and enjoy a drink with vicious gossips. who says nurses aint cool? you are not cool lor.

nurse rocks.

anyway figure my sexuality like now?
"i am a girl who's like a boy whos gay but totally lesbian."

(fuck lah i fucking hate the way i type now, i feel like a 17 year old, like "NURSE ROCKS" but pardon me for the lack of sentimental/forever lover entries)

ugh. ( now i sound like per)

( i miss my hair)

mambo on 11th april!

dont worry she kissed almost everyone else at the table hahahaa. and look at my hands, i am totally wrist limping once again, my god i cant stand the faggotry in me. so, a month passed and i am back to a brand new term in school tmr and i can hardly wait because i am going to top my classes in this semester so watch out jasmine! hahah i am SO kidding. then again, i have no reasons not to do so : no girls to waste time on. i think my friends in school are quite sick of the amount of girls i've dated (which is not many) and most of them actually voted who's better or who's not (behind my back) which is pretty bad.

anyway, i am out to my mother like totally out.

me: you very open minded meh?
mom: not open minded meh? you lesbian i also accept leh i also never say anything lor.
me: oh..

i think she just kinda like acknowledged the unspoken "coming out". in fact i am kinda glad and she already kinda knew so today she officialized it or something. i mean she knows about like M, K or even eu. she knows that i misses k more than anything and in fact i think she misses k too. i am so glad that mom took that step in better last 5 years ago she was threatening suicide and all. so i say, she's the modern fashionista of the house yo!

i mean i buy pants/clothes at a greater ease but she would still say, "so man!". i have no choice but to 'gay' my way out with really gay clothes which explains my faggotry but i love gays! because they are like the fashion. ( they are damn cute la)

so right now i am a out lesbian.

shit i forgot about dad.

ROMEO

If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.

JULIET

Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

ROMEO

Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?

JULIET

Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

ROMEO

O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

JULIET

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

ROMEO

Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.
Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.

JULIET

Then have my lips the sin that they have took.

ROMEO

Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.

JULIET

You kiss by the book.

MY GOD MY GOD MY GOD THIS IS FREAKING SENSUAL AND REALLY SEXY. i mean this is like the third time i found it fucking sexy, the last time i read was, someone read it to me. BUT now i found myself reading it every 5 minutes. i freaking love this scene, and i wish someone would be as romantic as this. i am so going to memorize it!

you gave me or us the death penalty.

on the 5th april , i was invited back to school as an ex-member of student council for the 10th student council investiture. i remembered our days of 3rd, 4th, 5th exco (executive committe) and also 7 years of non stop commitment to the SJAB. and my khakis back in secondary school..

the Guest of Honor was Mr Andrew Chew. he was the second principal of our school and i really freaking love him because he's like the best principal anyone could get. i missed those times when my friends and i would snigger at the thought of him pulling up pants or we would groan at his 7 habits talks. honestly, without Mr Chew supporting the council for years, we wouldnt even be here.

i managed to catch alot of my old friends ever since i last stepped out of GV. i almost teared during the investiture because it was so reminiscing and it makes me freaking guilty because i stopped commiting to SJAB or even council. but my friends have to understand, although you might want to stay in that circle, you could. but i couldnt because i need to move out of environment i had to let go and pursue new ones. sounds super selfish? i know. i know love all these training and all back then and i still wanna do it now, but.. i cant commit.

because of what i had back then, this is who i am today. but friends forever and never change!








you know i found out the other day when i was at my gramp's, i found out my 3rd uncle really hates me, well it kinda explained why he's rather hostile and very unfriendly to me since i was born. the reason was, because i was freaking young, i was jumping on their matrimony bed and i was a virgin girl. well correction should be, i should be a virgin boy jumping on their matrimony bed so that they can conceive boys for life for the glory of the Seah family. but guesss what? I jumped and they 'popped' out 4 daughters.

so its my fault they had girls.

hello i would like to confirm with biological facts that IT WASNT MY FAULT, but it is the father's chromosomes that determines the baby's gender, and honestly our family has alot of girls for our generation. and it shows that my first uncle has the ability to help conceive a male because it is the first genes from my grandfather and after that the sperm quality kinda dropped..

l
click to enlarge

scientifically, i am not at fault, but maybe spiritually, ok fine. but how would i know such stuffs when i was like 4 or 5 years! got bed jump lor! boing boing! so now i am currently 'paying my debt' now i am fucking lesbian which i am totally masculine. is this what i have to make up for? zomg, my relatives told someone and someone that i should be a guy and that would be great! i was like............................... my god. i know i am cute as guy or whatever, but you know i prefer being girly and you know ok fine, gay.

late photos for 20th, 21th, 22th of march working as emcee for NTU Hall 10's 10th annual charity event for the Singapore Chesire Society, for every $2 or $5 donation, you can have a lucky dip which contains prizes like....

sorry i can still remember my line, and i am sure cheryl would too.



actually there are more photos but some people are just holding on to them HOR! doing all these, makes me feel fucking great because i had nothing to do at home. and that in the above picture is Ms Teen ok.

i am always webcaming with Smelly Mellie and she dislikes my hair because she hates butchy butchy girls and i am not appealing to her anymore.



why is it very ugly?! i mean its just different, when i had longer hair, YOU GUYS KEEP WANTING ME TO CUT, NOW I CUT ALR U ALL SAY UGLY.

but i like, its really nice.

=) (OMG SO XIAXUE AGAIN!)

but its okay i have people think i am cutesy.. hehe or even hot.




you know i am so hot, kero (that colin&kero) viewed my profile. HAHAHAHHAHAA dont roll ur eyes ok. dont deny!


hehe, so its mambo tmr night. its been a long time ive been a mambo slut! oh god reminds me of my slutty days..

and you know the family just right below my unit, they had dengue fever. now i am so freaking afraid i am getting it, ive been getting fever/chills and everything! shit this is not good. fuck orchids, told you. they are out to kill me.

"fall in love like you've never been hurt."
"love anyway."

for those who voted, i appreciated all your votes. and i have cut those shaggy locks of mine, and right now i look like a butch (DONT SAY).

i feel gay.




i mean its like crazy man! i've just updated my passport and here i am with short hair! this is crazy this is crazy..

and i am freaking strongly recommending,

kenaris salon
wheelock place
#04-03

prepare about 60 dollars for a fabulous hair cut and service.
try saying things like, "different and queer look"

i see friends/annoymous-es have been polling! and i am going to cut these shaggy locks and i dont know, i might just resemble some hardcore lesbian butch. oh gee, i am going soft! come on, you know, soft butch. lol ( and honestly i hate being called a butch. yucks, butches are like for secondary school, or BUNG is like the maximum anyone can go, coughslosercoughs)

so today's 8th april, which is momsie's birthday! things havent been smooth for my parents and i have decided to be a good girl this year, ordered female magazine subscription and had stayed by her side on her birthday. in fact i was thinking maybe we should go zoo! but guess where did i go?

we drove all the way to choa chu kang to look at some orchid farm, which has like millions of orchid and she could start naming them off her fingers, like 'this is ms joaquim (SPELL?)' blah blah blah under the sweltering sun. i thought she went to 'Orchid University'. i was trying my best to tolerate because its her special day! she could spend like 7 hours there if you dont pull her away in about 2 hours.


she's horrible, she wants to visit farms like this, but she wants to carry an umbrella and apply sunscreen. and i reallly regretted not wearing my cap it was like freaking humid and hot. and she loves orchid so much, she started chatting up with this lady about orchids which really pushes me to the limit.


( i know dont say, my mom looked like my elder sister which i never had)


and i was just sighing from far and she heard it, she was like, 'honey, go to the aircon room there first okay be good!' i trudged my heavy feets to the air con room, and i went in.

?!@!$@#?$%??&??*(??@#$?@#$?@$

it was hotter than outside, it was blooody humid and i dont think the air con was even switched on. i know that face looks really ugly and its time for a haircut, ok you guys got it. i got it.
BUT CAN YOU UNDERSTAND HOW BLEDDY HOT IT WAS?

but i really love my mom alot and i would rather be scorched to death than to see her unhappy. if orchid makes her happy, i guess id like buy her unique orchids for her every year! even though, i hate plants and plants hate me, they just die at the sight of me and how they crowded my balcony, i'd still buy plants for my momsie because my momsie talks to them first before me.

*waiting for mom to be back home*
*door's open*

me: MOMMMMMSIE!
mom: wait wait, i water plants first. HELLO HOW ARE YOU HOW'S THE SUN TODAY? HOT OR NOT? AIYO I BET PUT MORE WATER.
mom: hi honey *hugs*
me: ....

honestly i cannot think of any more dysfunctional family anyone would have.
my family's practically queer. in any form.

so that's today.
this week has been .. i dont know, kinda heart wrenching, mind boggling.

i am not sure if i am really to just talk because no one's really keen on listening and people keep leaving and you just dont know how to carry on your stories and you have no idea where to pick it up. i live no expectations but i refuse to give in.

i will talk again.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

so who's the forever lover?

(POLL ON THE RIGHT! MUST POLL OK!)


today was a lousy day, not because mommy was 'doing her thing' again (which is banging the doors and swearing really loudly at my dad) but i guess i was just generally lousy with no plans, and no kicks. so i have been bugged by Smelly Mellie to update my passport photo since the last time i almost couldnt get through the customs without pouting.



i know dont even start, i was really tanned and really butchy back days which is horrible and i still thought i looked good back then MY GOD I WONDER HOW ABOUT ME NOW WHAT WILL I THINK OF MYSELF IN MY LATER STAGE OF MY LIFE.

it had to be written on my passport "CHANGE PHOTO".

i know i dont even look good and i think i need a hair cut ok i am going to poll for a haircut. my mother thinks my hair is like shit hahahahhaha that means i think i should cut since my mom is the fashionista of the house


yay at least i have a new passport photo and i dont have to pout my way through! Smelly Mellie and I are going to JB this Good friday with .. my parents. i know it sounds totally wrong but i think we are going to eat free tze char hahahahahha

i know i havent been blogging substantially because i dont know. but anyway, found this on jill's blog, then tiffy's and little did i know cheryl chong did it too.


hahahahahahhahahahahah we are meant to be ! lets get married cheryl! i am just kidding.


and actually sometimes my hair's fine really and i think i look quite cute. okay dont roll eyes yourself, because if you roll eyes or even snigger or you're breathing or going OMG or you dont care about it, it means you think i am cute. first reaction counts so dont pretend.

i was smoking outside the ICA building and was really in the lousiest mood guess who called out my name? okay, call him Ferris (OH DONT WE ALL LOVE THIS NAME?). Ferris came over and talked you know stuffs..

i guess at the lowest point Ferris came and he was like the knight in the shiniest armour. i knew him back when i was in secondary 1 and we were mates in St John's. the whole world knew i was lesbian ( i mean i still am..) and so we went along and treated each other like "brothers". we knew each other for 7 years! there was a certain period of time we were fighting, squabbling and was really hating each other. for one, we cant stand each other's attitude. two, i cant stand his arrogance. three, i know he's bloody good looking but he dont have to show off. four, i just couldnt stand him. it went on for at least 2 years of me depising him and getting pissed from the moment he opens his mouth.

there was this huge fight left me crying and running home. i remembered it was because my newly brought phone was stolen on a saturday in the St John's room and i blamed him for bringing nonsense people into the room and resulted in the loss of my phones, and we both had our own prerogative and we fought really badly. it hurt so badly!

although we were in the same class and we were actually sitting beside each other, i ignored him for several weeks still pissed, but a few weeks later he apologized and tried to tease me. he was sweet, but i just was too proud to say anything i just ignored him. we were still colleagues back in St John's.

but everything was alright already, but his arrogance still pisses me off and his outlandish behaviour made me just wants to strangle him. we were sort of 'on' and 'off', you know. and it wasnt long ago about 2 years ago, he changed for the better, he really did changed and he really amazed me and put my fingers to my lips for once. i was leaving St John's and i had to pass the reins to a successor, and i never thought i would choose him because he really changed and amazed me because he's so sensitive and so different and i know under his leadership, and a little boost to his title, it should help him. and now he's standing stronger than ever! i sure did not choose the wrong person!

in fact, he is the best guy friend i ever had. we shared so much, we had so much sufferings, we went through everything almost together, we were a team. and since secondary 1, i've always thought that i was going to end up marrying him because almost everyone said so back then in classes, and in less than 2 hours i just told my mom that i think that i am going to marry Ferris, and my mother was in awe because she heard about Ferris before (actually all the time, because he comes my house once in a while) and she was giving me this look, "i thought you are lesbian?" but she was like, noooooo you cant get married!

and i was like, later you & papa die already how, i alone ah?
she was like, ya hor..

roll eyes big time.


so my point is i think i might just end up marrying him, MAYBE. maybe he doesnt want to marry me because i asked him today if he wants me if no one wants, he was like WHY YOU LIKE THAT!

=( (MY GOD I CANT STAND MYSELF I THINK READ TOO MUCH XIAXUE)

but i know he will want me one okay because he say if i turn girly he will go for me!

p/s: i know this is supposed to be a lesbian blog but i have my straight calling days sometimes but it doesnt mean i am straight now!
pp/s: in fact i think i am going back to my very secluded days which i am seriously confused about, i need more time to think about.

sometimes i just wish people meant what they say, and they wouldnt just give things up easily and thats why i say i have no reason to stay.